Overbearing and suffocating boyfriend

[LaaLaaLady]

So my partner and I have been together a year. We both have kids, we don't live together. I knew that he had ADHD from early on... I'm mentioning this for info, not sure if it has any relevance, and I don't want to be offensive to anyone reading, but I'm wondering if autism also.

I find him overwhelming. He has said before he's obsessed with me, I told him that made me uncomfortable as it's not healthy to feel like that. He agrees with everything I do and say, seems to have no opinion. Always talking, texting, wanting very in depth conversations about our relationship, which I'm not always in the mood for after a long day at work and my 2 children to see to. Hyper fixated on me like I'm perfect. I'll tell him I like my alone time and need to chill tonight and I might be on the quiet side for the evening, at which point he'll go completely silent for 24-36 hours. There's no in the middle.

Then, he needs to settle that in his mind... Why I need alone time or quiet time. He always wants to understand how I'm feeling, point out how worried he is about me if I need a quiet night, when I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I can't give him everything, every second he needs attention.

Once I snapped at him one morning. It happens between couples, right? All I said, not shouting, when he was talking and talking at me, was 'can I just drink my coffee and have 5 bloody minutes peace?!'. He went totally quiet, and was quiet for 2 hours. We had to have another chat about how, one again, he was worried about me, how hard it was for him to see me like that as if there is something dreadfully wrong with me.

It's exhausting, like multiple times a week. He stresses that he needs to understand me and the situation again and again, to know what's going on in my mind. Which I in turn find intrusive at points and he doesn't give up wanting to know about how I feel, constantly.

Another thing, if I go out with a friend for a drink, he likes me to check in. When I didn't once about 6m into our relationship, I finally got to his messages about 10pm. He was frantic, he told me he almost reached out to my other friends to try to get hold of me, he even considered calling police. I told him that was unreasonable, that I'm a grown women and he isn't my dad.

I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it more than once, his face just goes blank and he says he doesn't understand. I'm suffocated but I do love him.

Sorry for the essay. Thought, opinions and advise welcome.

Agree with a PP who said this is love bombing. It's exactly that, manipulation.

I was very briefly dating a guy like that too. In the few weeks we dated he did everything he could to insert himself in every part of my life, He texted constantly so that I would never get a break to even reflect on if I liked him or not, he tried to give my DD a job at his company, he gave me paintings he had made so that "my walls would remind me of him", he asked his son to spend time with my son (my son didn't want to), he tried to tie me down to holiday plans months in advance, he wanted to come to a dinner I was having for my friends (all women), he said he would cook for us but when I protested and said we didn't want men there he said he would wear headphone so we wouldn't even know he was there.

There was plenty more, but after about 3-4 weeks of this and me repeatedly telling him to calm the fuck down I just told him that I was exhausted and needed not to see or talk to him again. He continued texting whenever he had been drinking for a few months until he finally met his next victim. He really put me off dating and I will never let someone take over my life like that again.

Aye OP sounds like my ex. Be careful. He was just like that love bombing in the early stages. Portrays himself as such a loving father- hint, he's also a pathological liar. Lies include, has 2 kids instead of 3, has a good job (he's unemployed) etc. Also ADHD (diagnosed) - it's not the ADHD, they are just controlling men with severe self esteem issues needing constant validation as they're so unhappy inside. Throw him back, wish I had done. Also, ask yourself why his ex left and not just be blinded by pity for "poor man who can't". If he's known about his ADHD for longer than 2 minutes he would have got help. He didn't. You're out here researching it for him. He's got no interest in getting help. Why would he if he gets sympathy, empathy and an endless "excuse" for all his controlling behaviour

ADHDers love intensely, that's true. But they also have a responsibility to reflect on their emotions and behaviours and make efforts not to let them impact on their loved ones negatively. His behaviour is really unacceptable whether it comes from love, ADHD or control, the effect on you is the same. I think it's time to stop your introspection about HIS condition/s and hand it over to him to start the work. You don't have to live with this just because he has ADHD.

I agree. I have said to my partner that even though behaviours stem from ADHD, I need him to consider the impact of them on me. And he is open to this and when I point them out he listens and we try and find strategies. It's not easy but that it why we're together and I haven't run away, because he shows his love for me by listening and trying to manage his behaviour.

@LaaLaaLady you’ve been with him ONLY a year.

you hate the way he makes you feel, which WILL be increasing in frequency. you talk to him, he pretends not to get it

silent treatment

this is a fucking disastrous relationship AND YOU KNOW IT.

even abusers can be nice when they need to be. You’re suffocating and you life is shrinking.

get the fuck out now. You’ve tried, it’s never going to get any better only ever worse.

cut your insignificant losses now, or ruin your life, and that of your kids.

step up and make the right decision today.

The problem with designating you as perfect and on a pedestal is that you can never live up to it. As soon as you do anything that doesn't fit in with the fantasy, he will be devastated and probably punish you for it. You have already seen this with the silent treatment and keeping tabs on you to make sure you don't tell friends anything bad when you are out without him so can't be controlled. If things are this hard in the initial stage, imagine what could come later.

Yes that makes sense, putting me on a pedestal then being devastated when I don't fit his fantasy.

Just for anyone whose read my posts, when I say 'go quiet', he doesn't sulk or ignore me, he becomes quiet and withdrawn like a child whose been told off. I can see the cogs turning, he is thinking about what he's done, what I've done, he's grappling with the situation. That's then when we need to have a chat, as he needs to understand how I'm feeling/why I need space/why I snapped etc.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head about being 'on' all the time. Like I can't just switch off and binge watch netflix as every time I start winding down and relaxing my phone pings, then again and then another 5 times before I get an 'are you ok, you're very quiet' message.

@LaaLaaLady The constant ringing on the phone is fucking awful. I really wish I knew then what I know now but love bombing and control were not terms you ever heard at the time. It used to drive me insane, as you say, you can't just get on with doing anything at all because they want your attention 110% of
the time. I honestly would end it.

Me too.

'I find him overwhelming. He has said before he's obsessed with me, I told him that made me uncomfortable as it's not healthy to feel like that. He agrees with everything I do and say, seems to have no opinion. Always talking, texting, wanting very in depth conversations about our relationship'

He doesn't k is how to have a deep and meaningful relationship and is having to fake his feelings and believes this over the top behaviour is how people really behave.

Dump him before he becomes dangerous.

He sounds like a lunatic

and you sound like you hate him

just walk away ffs

Me, too.

His behaviour may be caused by adhd, but that doesn't obligate you to deal with it. You could also think of the adhd as a red herring: you're not compatible because you need different levels of contact.

Dump him
It doesn't matter WHY he is the way he is, maybe he really really loves you or is controlling or both.
Stop trying to understand, you can't fix him

But he will overwhelm you until your every breath is made to be about him and his emotions and needs, until you realise you can't even take a slightly longer shit than normal without him making it a matter for which he needs to be most important in and reassured about - and then stare blankly at you when you plead for peace to wipe unquestioned.

You cannot live like that. It'll have you wishing for death when you are older and aren't even able to stay in hospital without him being there every second and pleading for the staff to keep him out for five minutes.

I’m AuDHD. I do recognise some of the behaviours. Couple of observations - those saying he sounds like a teenager - there is evidence that neurodivergent brain develops into an adult at a slower rate and we aren’t usually fully ‘adult brained’ (not a technical term) until about 35. Also the excessive reaction to rejection - there’s a term called ‘Rejection sensitivity dysphoria’. We feel perceived rejection very strongly. It can feel heartbreaking. But if you have insight and understanding, you can learn and grow. I’m in my 40s now and in a happy relationship, although it’s difficult for me to be vulnerable with him at times.
HOWEVER - I don’t think any more understanding of his ADHD/possible Autism will actually change anything. He is clearly rigid in his thinking. PP have said you don’t seem compatible and he doesn’t seem to be able to understand how it impacts on you or have any capacity to change. This is how he is. The why is kind of irrelevant. I don’t think you can ever be happy together. I’d call it a day.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head about being 'on' all the time. Like I can't just switch off and binge watch netflix as every time I start winding down and relaxing my phone pings, then again and then another 5 times before I get an 'are you ok, you're very quiet' message

I don’t think he is interested or accepting of the whole you. The tired version or the one who wants space. He may seem interested because he’s asking you a lot of questions , but he doesn’t accept your answers because he knows better so it can’t possibly be that. He’s not asking you these things to understand, he’s asking you so he can find a workaround and get the fun version back who gives him a lot of attention.

He has asked, you have told him, he doesn’t accept it. That should cancel him out as a partner.

It’s not going to help.

This.

Seriously asking, why would you put yourself AND your kids into this situation? It reeks of desperation.

Better to be alone than with a suffocating weirdo. Please think about why you would even consider tolerating such behaviour.

He doesn't k is how to have a deep and meaningful relationship and is having to fake his feelings and believes this over the top behaviour is how people really behave

I agree with this. There’s no real intimacy here. How could there be when he dismisses your feelings. I’ll bet he understands perfectly well your feelings about other things, he must do or you wouldn’t date him. He has problems with your feelings about him because he doesn’t agree with it. So it can’t be true and you should just play act the role of doting girlfriend despite being tired or unwell.

The black and white thinking and the refusal to accept your feelings makes me wonder if you are his special interest.

As soon as I started reading your post, I recognised ND signs. I think the constant wanting to understand you, comes from the fact his brain is wired differently to the majority of us, and he simply doesn't understand. He's wants to understand but can't. I wonder if one of the Autistic/ADHD charities might be able to help him try and regulate and understand his own behaviour. Many Autistic people are fixated on things or people, it's quite common. However, it's not a trait that is going to be socially acceptable or tolerated. His behaviour needs managing, and it's down to him to seek that help. You can't manage it for him, only he can do that. His behaviour isn't going to change, because he can't change what he doesn't understand. His behaviour will and is driving you away because you are feeling smothered and overwhelmed. By all means help him find some help, even offer to attend some sessions with him - it may be helpful for a therapist to understand why you are struggling. Ultimately, if he doesn't seek help or you can't face the relationship any longer, then you need to walk away.

He isn’t going to change, and whether he can help it or not, if it’s down to ADHD or not etc, is largely irrelevant. That’s what he’s like.

You can’t stand it - neither would I be able to - so you need to end the relationship. There’s not a lot more to it!

Dump and run.

I would not consider counselling with a boyfriend of a year. This is meant to be the best bit. You’re meant to be having fun, great sex, trips away. Not finding professional support to help him learn how to respect your boundaries.

He must have boundaries with others or he would have ongoing problems with his family and friends. So you know he’s aware of other peoples boundaries and respects them. He just doesn’t respect yours and has dysfunctional ideas about what a romantic partner is and expects to be allowed to tap you for good feels whenever it suits.

Consider counselling for yourself. People with healthy boundaries would not allow this type of bulldozing and weird smothering behaviour.