Overbearing and suffocating boyfriend

[LaaLaaLady]

So my partner and I have been together a year. We both have kids, we don't live together. I knew that he had ADHD from early on... I'm mentioning this for info, not sure if it has any relevance, and I don't want to be offensive to anyone reading, but I'm wondering if autism also.

I find him overwhelming. He has said before he's obsessed with me, I told him that made me uncomfortable as it's not healthy to feel like that. He agrees with everything I do and say, seems to have no opinion. Always talking, texting, wanting very in depth conversations about our relationship, which I'm not always in the mood for after a long day at work and my 2 children to see to. Hyper fixated on me like I'm perfect. I'll tell him I like my alone time and need to chill tonight and I might be on the quiet side for the evening, at which point he'll go completely silent for 24-36 hours. There's no in the middle.

Then, he needs to settle that in his mind... Why I need alone time or quiet time. He always wants to understand how I'm feeling, point out how worried he is about me if I need a quiet night, when I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I can't give him everything, every second he needs attention.

Once I snapped at him one morning. It happens between couples, right? All I said, not shouting, when he was talking and talking at me, was 'can I just drink my coffee and have 5 bloody minutes peace?!'. He went totally quiet, and was quiet for 2 hours. We had to have another chat about how, one again, he was worried about me, how hard it was for him to see me like that as if there is something dreadfully wrong with me.

It's exhausting, like multiple times a week. He stresses that he needs to understand me and the situation again and again, to know what's going on in my mind. Which I in turn find intrusive at points and he doesn't give up wanting to know about how I feel, constantly.

Another thing, if I go out with a friend for a drink, he likes me to check in. When I didn't once about 6m into our relationship, I finally got to his messages about 10pm. He was frantic, he told me he almost reached out to my other friends to try to get hold of me, he even considered calling police. I told him that was unreasonable, that I'm a grown women and he isn't my dad.

I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it more than once, his face just goes blank and he says he doesn't understand. I'm suffocated but I do love him.

Sorry for the essay. Thought, opinions and advise welcome.

You sound to have moved quite quickly if he's there for your family in times of need and great with your kids after only a year together. Compounded by his obsessing over you and everything you do I'm not suprised you feel suffocated.

I'm not sure you're compatible And don't think he can change because it's just so intense and ingrained.

Call it a day? This is still quite a new relationship, it's not working for you so end it.

You can get a real puppy. He sounds like one.

personally, I don't think this is "typical" ADHD behaviour @LaaLaaLady

My concern for you is that he is controlling.

This is an ex boyfriend I think.

@LaaLaaLady but if he realises his behaviour is stifling and overwhelming (and I can only imagine how his kids manage!) then he can learn ways and methods to manage it.

he could do some introspective soul searching and work on being better person and partner. It would only help him in other areas of his life.

Christ, chuck this one back in. It shouldn’t be this hard. Autism or ADHD or whatever, it’s not your job to compensate for his issues. Life is too short. Find someone lovely and chilled out who isn’t so much work.

I would say that he's possibly autistic. My son is like this (AuDHD). It's just he and I and it's exhausting sometimes so I hear you. My ex husband was intense in a different way (also AuDHD), a massive sex pest to add to the mix.

I don't think this relationship is for you. He's not going to change if that's who he is. He can't. I'd throw this one back.

Sounds cloying. I wouldn't like it.

Yes AuDHD was my thought. What I've found online ticks many boxes, but I couldn't find too much info or advise.

My partner is just like this. It's draining. We have spoken about it at length and he's a lot better, but it's taken 6yrs. Occasionally he'll revert back (why didn't you text me to let me know you got home safe) and I have to explain that I'm an adult blah blah blah. It is seriously hard work. But again, he's absolutely wonderful with my DC, and a brilliant generous father to his own. It used to often cross my mind as to whether he was actually ADHD or a controlling narcissist. Thankfully its the former.

To add, the intensity can be unreal with people like this. When my ex-h and I were dating I was a single mum, working in London with a long commute. I wasn't bothered about seeing him in the week because it was too much. He'd get very upset if I didn't want to see him. This would turn into endless phone calls and then five or six bouquets of flowers being delivered to my office the next day. I did marry him though and that's another story altogether 🥴

My guess would be he has experienced a lot of rejection in his life due to being ND and that has made him hypersensitive and overly empathetic. The constant need to understand how you are feeling, and not having his own opinions about things in case it upsets you, is classic behaviour in people scared of rejection.

My honest advice is that you can either live with it or end it. I have no choice with my (very lovely) child but he is endlessly demanding of my time and attention (nearly 14) and largely only wants to do things with me. It's wonderful in many respects but exhausting. Your partner can't help how he is and is unlikely to change. My ex husband turned into something else entirely and I'm so scarred by it all I'd never go near a man again.

Honestly think hard about it all. He will have amazing qualities but the things that irritate you most won't go away.

Life s too short to put up with this.

This fish needs to go back into the sea

He sounds exhausting 😩 I couldn't live with that and at his stage in life, he's unlikely to change. So I guess you either put up with it...or you don't. For me, it would definitely be the latter.

Can't think why you are with him . He sounds absolutely awful.

I wouldn't care if it was something more. He sounds draining. Can you imagine living with that kind of insecurity and intensity for years? Do yourself a favour and dump him.

It made me uncomfortable just reading about it. It does sound like an intense teenage romance, not something I could endure as a busy adult with children that also need my attention.

I'd agree with autistic. DH has just adhd and isn't super agreeing and empathetic nor cares about my feelings as much as id like him too😆in fact he's probably a bit too selfish..
In the earlier days he was very 'obsessed' with me and wanted to know I was safe 24/7 and what's on my mind blah blah but now if I say I need 5 mins break without him hes just like okay whatever. He'd probably prefer to be wrapped around my finger and likes me to be with him all the time but he understands and accepts his needs are different to mine and we have to meet in the middle. He's so sociable and a people person and I'm absolutely not. I love being alone and silence!

If you've tried over and over to explain he's too much and nothings changed then unfortunately id be leaving. I hate feeling smothered and wouldn't be able to cope. If he can't take your needs into account and deal with the fact you need space then I don't think he's the right person for you

My brother has ADHD and autism and is very much like your DP. He doesn't have a girlfriend though so at the ripe age of nearly 30 my poor mums still putting up with his smothering and constant needs😅

Bin him off. Whose got time to be raising a partner as well as kids.

Bin him. I don't think that's ADHD I think it's love bombing. The silent treatment, how very perfect you are, how he's "worried about you" when you behave in an actual normal fashion.

Everyone loves him, such a good dad. He sounds creepy and dangerous- like stalker 101.
A nice guy, with difficulties controlling impulse wouldn't give you the silent treatment. That's manipulation.

Speaking from experience, you think it'll get better, but it won't. You just hope it will and then you end up X amount of time down the line. Listen to your gut. I should have done. I broke up with him but he still 'hovered' around. I told him to back off, then asked his mum to tell him when he didn't listen. In the end the police pulled him to tell him to back off. I appreciate that sounds scary, but I genuinely just think he didn't realise what his actions meant until I had to go down the official route. Since then I've not heard or seen anything of him.