To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I mean would you forgive yourself if anything happened to them, and all because you couldn’t give up your glass of wine once every other month? when I was 18 I didn’t go out far enough away and had options to get home, but I wouldn’t hesitate to call my mum at 3AM if I got into a sticky situation. I will ensure my daughter feels the same when she’s old enough.

I do think a prepaid taxi is a good compromise though.

I get a taxi daily.
I'd find it ridiculous if my husband hated me getting a taxi, I'm a grown adult.
He'd get an eye roll and told not to be so bloody daft.

I agree. I'd either fetch them once every 4 times (which isn't that often) or I'd pay for a hotel or taxi for them if affordable. The other parents then either need to step up or the girls go out less/factor a hotel taxi cost into their budget. To me that seems totally fair.

For Heaven's sake, are they not allowed some downtime? Youmust be scintillating company at parties (if you go to any...).

well i m a dads taxi and have been for a long time , i still take my girls out when they plan something , and bring them home including mates , i don t think its a safe any more for females to go trekking my girls get home safe and i don t leave any of them until they are safely inside there own places , the current situations on the street are nt to be ignored any more , its damn dangerous out there , i m glad i do what i do its not for everyone but i love my siblings and they love me right back , its a no brainer !!

I’d have been mortified had my mum made a group chat to discuss lifts at that age. That being said my mum always made it clear to me if I was in any trouble or couldn’t get home to call her whatever the time as I don’t think she was able to get to sleep anyway when I first started going “out out”. If the other parents agreed to take turns i’d probably just do it as it would end up not being that often however if you absolutely don’t want to then i’d suggest to DD that her & friends needs to factor the cost of a taxi into their night out to give her friends mum a break.

Oh Op, you shouldn’t have mentioned wine, you know how some people on here are about alcohol! They probs think you’re a borderline alcoholic who prioritises booze over your child (who didn’t ask to be born)

If I counted all the times I've picked up at 3.am and after for both.mine and others' young people I would definitely be well into double figures. Petrol money never came into it but their enjoyment and safety always came into it. As long as it's there to do you do it.... willingly. In my opinion I know.

I'd either fetch them once every 4 times (which isn't that often) or I'd pay for a hotel or taxi for them if affordable.

Why can't they pay for their own hotels and taxis? Why are so many people on this thread so determined that these young women should never be asked to take any responsibility for themselves?

I was once sexually assaulted at work - should my parents have ensured that I never had to work because of the risks involved?
I was followed by creepy men a couple of times during broad daylight, should my parents have escorted me everywhere during the day too?

Women are probably most at risk from someone they are, or have been, in a relationship with. So they should never have allowed you to have a boyfriend.

I absolutely despair of parents like you, so rude and lazy. I had to stop doing lifts for one of DD’s friends since her CF parents refused to ever reciprocate - it wasn’t as if she lived close by, they live rurally 30 mins away from us! They’d simply drop her off at our house/in the city for a night out expecting her to be able to magically get home. They simply assumed that I’d take her and would be confused anytime I was tired and refused

In the 1970s and I went clubbing with a group of friends we used to book a hotel room (4 teenagers = 2 rooms) that was a 2 minute walk from the club. The room was about £10 each - taxi fares about £20 -so we had somewhere to crash with breakfast if we fancied it. I used to phone home when we got back to the hotel so my mum knew we were safe.

Mental that there even is a mothers group chat for adult kids

It's not the cost that's ridiculous but the getting a taxi ang being dropped off is. Couldn't live with myself if I could do something about it and didn't.

Good on you! How did the parents react when you stopped?

I just can't even imagine having a parents chat group for my adult kids, that kind of stuff was more the stuff you'd do at primary school!

When I was that age my friends and I took responsibility and got ourselves home. Nobody I knew got picked up by their parents. We got the late night bus or a taxi. I'm not convinced it's any more dangerous now than it was then. Children are no longer taught to be self-reliant.

I have walked home (alone sometimes) via so me rough parts of my town as it wasnt a thing to call my Mum.

Ive shit myself in dark areas.

As a group (well 2 of us) we have got in too many strange mens cars for a lift. Due to saving money or we had no money… only something we’d do under the influence of alcohol and being ‘invincible’ after a drink.

The lift home is probably what keeps the girls together. As they grow their wings, they will start to separate.

Thats a long taxi ride if they loose one or each other, also alot of money if they lost one of them.

And leaving the last one in a taxi home 😫

Even at once a month, it’s not much of a hardship.

Did they ask you to drive everyone home though or did you just take it upon yourself?
As they're adults they probably just presumed that they'd be making their own way back via taxi /staying over at a friends - ie making their own arrangements!

Yanbu
Absolutely ridiculous. These are adults. They can pre book a cab.
Frankly idve been embarrassed at 18 getting my parents to come collect me from a club unless it was an emergency, and I had no other option.
No way would I regularly do that for my kids unless their plans had fallen thru and they were genuinely stranded, or some other type of emergency. They certainly won't be calling on me for a lift at 3am simply because they can't be arsed sorting out transport themselves.

I think if they are old enough to go clubbing, they are old enough to sort and pay for a taxi!

I left home at 18, they have to sort themselves out. What would they do if they where away at uni?

If they are old enough to go clubbing they are old enough to work out how to get home.

I've been sexually assaulted in the past it's not ridiculous it happens more than you think.

When I was 18 and used to go clubbing me and my friends would save money by going to Mr Egg after the club shut (all night cafe) until we could get the first bus home at about 5:30am! Mr Eggs slogan was ‘eat like a king for £1’ so for £1.50 you could have egg and chips and a can of cola!

We were not alone…. It was a popular strategy for saving money! None of our parents would have come to pick us up…and as we were at college full time and part time evening weekends workers to earn extra cash it was a great strategy!

If there is a 24 hour cafe or McDonalds perhaps they could wait it out for a bus home there!

Yes when my daughter is 18 I will worry, but I am far more concerned about spiked drinks and drugs and the consumption of too much alcohol…. I guess because we planned to keep going until the first bus home we never got drunk, took drugs, accepted a drink from anyone….

I think this is a DD and friends problem. I live in a similar situation to you where we are 12 miles away from the nearest bar, no public transport after 11 and a taxi costs a fortune. We don't go out because of this reason. My siblings go occasionally and they all chip in taxi fair with their friends making it much cheaper for a taxi. They usually pre book it from a driver in our area. I think the girls need to start going out and coming home earlier or not go out as often if a taxi is an issue. It shouldn't be down to the parents to sort out lifts now. Once in a blue moon perhaps but not every fortnight.

By a taxi driver?

I am sorry you've been sexually assaulted, it's awful. So have I. But it was by people I knew, not taxi drivers going about their business. I'm not saying no taxi drivers ever sexually assault women while working, but the chances are really very slim in 2025.