To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

Stand your ground!

When i was 18 my Mum didn't pick me up from nightclubs. She was too busy out enjoying her own Saturday night

The girls get taxis home: if they don't want to pay, they don't go as often

Bloody cheek! They're adults

I used to be the pick up for my son and daughter and their friends, I would pick them up at 3am drive them back to ours where they would all stay the night, I would sit up and read for the rest of the night just outside the bedroom door so even when they were asleep I could check on them. A teenager in our area died from choking on his vomit after drinking so I was terrified, yes it meant I couldn't drink that night but it also meant that all those teenagers were safe and where they should be, it was also fun hearing their antics on the way home ans the chatter when they got back.
Definitely worth giving up a few glasses of wine for

I used to collect my DD and her friends. But the rule was I'd only do it once a month and no later than 1am.

Once every other month?

I would but then I'm a night owl

However, at only £15 each for a taxi, I was paying that 25 years ago so there's no reason they can't fit that into their night out budget

Nothing to do with anything, but can I just shout out to my dad who I called once at about 5am cos we drank all the cab money and he came and got me and my mates from Bagley's and drove us to Walworth Road and he didn't even give me any shit. Love you dad. oxo

But at what age does the niceness and concern for safety stop?

As in - I’m 35 now. If something happens to me on a night out should my mum feel guilty because she hasn’t come to collect her adult daughter so therefore doesn’t care?

There has to be a cut off at some point, we can’t stay wrapped in cotton wool forever. For me, that cut off is 18 (at the latest!)

Also, don't any of them drive?

Plenty of young people who don't live in big towns or cities take it in turns to drive and not drink

I picked my daughter up at the same time when she went clubbing in our nearest two cities (either a 6 or a 30 mile round trip) before she went off to uni. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep for worrying if I hadn’t. It’s just not safe these days and they don’t look after each other like we used to. I would often see girls walking home alone and thank goodness I knew mine was safe. That said I don’t particular like to drink at home so I wasn’t missing out on anything. I just didn’t want the guilt if anything had happened to her.

Woah. I’m sorry about the teenager that died. But you stayed up all night to check on them? Sat outside their bedroom door? You do realise that’s not normal don’t you? And you shouldn’t expect anybody else to behave like that.

Don’t excuse your, quite frankly bizarre behaviour, by accusing others of ‘not wanting to give up a glass of wine’

When did you stop sitting outside their bedroom door? You do realise 18 year olds are adults? It’s quite an invasion of privacy.

Probably crazily in the opinion of MN but if I was your mum I’d still pick u up now if you asked! My children are very loved (and spoiled) but I honestly would do anything for them

I agree that this is batshit. Choking is often silent too so you wouldn’t have gained anything by weirdly listening to them all outside of the door.

id have died of shame if my mum insisted on picking me and my friends up at 18 and then sat herself outside my bedroom door all night

I think the cut off comes when it becomes an expectation rather than a request.

If the mum wants to do it happily and without resentment for her own child then I think that’s fine.

My mum doesn’t drive, I’ve been giving her lifts since the age of 18 as dad passed away when I was 18 as well.

I have never resented this, I’d rather have my mum for many years to go and give her lots of lifts.

It just seems different now in terms of expectations for teenagers. Adult ones I mean.

You're not being unreasonable, they're 18 and old enough to factor a pre-booked taxi into their night. Unfortunately, it's going to cause conflict because the other mum doesn't view it the same way, but you'll just have to weather this- neither one of you is in the wrong, you just have a difference of opinion.

@BoldAmberDuck

but don’t you worry about their independence and not being streetwise? You only learn this stuff by doing it. What if they choose to move away to a different area of the country where they can just call on you to pick them up when they’re out?

No way Jose, kids can get a cab home and if you want to do it for your kid (and anyone she might be with) that's up to you.

I assume if the girls are 18 then they will be off to uni next year? In which case they are going to be out and about without parents about. I think the other mum is being overly protective. I can understand her worries but they need to work out sensible travel arrangements themselves - all you can do is give them guidelines on getting themselves around safely. Paying in advance for taxis seems a good idea

@hadenoughofsnowflakes

woah you are way OTT

Do you send Christmas and Birthday cards from your cats to people, and sleep in tents outside new superstores when somebody like Alison Hammond's doing the Grand Opening?

Did you go on their wild drinking all night holidays too??!!!

Why does the other mum think that they should all be going to a night club eow?

That's what I can't fathom!

She'd done it since October, a boyfriend did it before that.

They've had a good run!

Agree

And what type of activity is the cut off?

I was once sexually assaulted at work - should my parents have ensured that I never had to work because of the risks involved?

I was followed by creepy men a couple of times during broad daylight, should my parents have escorted me everywhere during the day too?

Did they let me down by not providing me with a personal bodyguard?

But then who guards the bodyguards?

I grew up in a rural area and we got taxis at that age. My dad made it clear he wanted me to call if we were ever genuinely stuck, but I would’ve been mortified to have been regularly relying on him to pick me up.

Taxis are part of the cost of a night out.

Take turns, surely you can go without a wine once a month? 18 is still young and you know the world we live in right now is not a very nice place, men barely get any jail time for some of the disgusting things they do to young women. I'm 35 my husband hates me getting a taxi.

Maybe now would be a good time to knuckle down with their A levels, I would 100% be saying that on the mothers group chat!