To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

You've missed my point. He is controlling the OP.

At no point anywhere in this thread has it been said that the cleaner was asked to do anything for the OP instead of the things she was asked to do by The Controller. It's entirely possible that she was asked to maybe iron an additional shirt inside of the agreed time for which she was being paid.

But you make my point for me. No, I never work for other people in my working hours because that would be utterly insane. How ludicrous that a cleaner has been employed to clean a household, but only the areas inhabited by the man of the house. Utterly insane.

Can you imagine a scenario where both partners worked and the man decided to hire a cleaner under strict instructions to only clean his area of the house, instead of treating it as a shared home. I imagine you'd think he was a bit of a sh1t, wouldn't you, and you'd probably question the relationship?

The difference here is that by agreement presumably the OP is a SAHM. She looks after the kids when they're at home, does the cooking and most of the cleaning. If he's expecting her to do more, he's treating her as an employee with no contract and no employment rights. He's complaining that she's not doing enough work for him. He's controlling her.

Yes, presumably he does and presumably it was an arrangement they came to when they agreed to move in together, so he should stop treating her like an employee with payment in kind.

@Pupinskipops how is he controlling her or treating her like a child?

I'm simply responding to people who tag me. Stop tagging me and I'll be less vociferous.

But I would argue that it's you distorting things to fit your argument. Nowhere does the OP say she doesn't want to clean his office, or even that she doesn't want to do his ironing specifically. That was his complaint. And the fact that he puts his clothes into the washing machine just demonstrates what a petulant child he is. Why not put all the family's clothes in the washing machine?

No, I'm not the OP. I'm just someone who things that if you enter a life partnership with someone and choose to share a home with them, you should regard yourself as a team. If you play silly point-scoring games - mine not yours - the relationship is probably doomed to fail. I'm also somebody who believes that shared living doesn't mean the woman skivvying for the man.

No, he is behaving like a child, not treating her like a child. She already does most of the housework and cooking and cares for her parents. He appears to believe that because he's in paid employment he can demand that she do more for him, and because she thinks that's too much he stamps his feet and gets someone to do some of his stuff within the home, and instructs them not to do hers. Like a petulant, controlling child.

And this people think is OK because he's in paid employment. As if their shared lives are a financial transaction. If he shares this view he may be sailing close to the wind legally. If, as the breadwinner, he is using finances to support the household and denying her access to that it could be construed as economic abuse. That is now legally a form of domestic abuse.

@Pupinskipops but he's not controlling her. He asked her to do his ironing, she said no, so he's paying someone else to. He didn't say he'd stop supporting her unless she did it or anything like that, he accepted that she didn't want to and found an alternative solution to get his problem solved. Or should he just have wrinkled shirts so as not to upset OP?

Well, 2 things...

1). It's not just his ironing, it's the areas of the house he and his children most inhabit, creating a very clear divide.

2). He appears to have instructed the cleaner explicitly not to do anything related to household matters which pertain to his partner, the OP.

This is not simply finding a practical solution, it's controlling/denying her access to help around the house which he brings in for his own benefit only.

He is paying for everything- not just his ironing and cleaning. Her children are not his.

Because she didn't want to take care of the areas that he and his children inhabit. Even though he's supporting her 100% and supporting her children at least partially. She said she didn't want to do those things so he made it so she didn't have to. 🤷‍♀️

He is helping her around the house by alleviating some of the responsibilities that she had. She's home 6 hours a day by herself. And as had been pointed out multiple times, he has taken away her responsibility for everyone except her own children which she would have whether he was there or not.

I think on the first page of this thread I said that if it were me and I moved a man into my home with his children and he wanted to be a stay-at-home parent I would expect him to do all of the household chores. If he had come to me and said he didn't want to do them anymore my response would be then get a job and we'll hire a cleaner.

Just thinking this through.

You have one man supporting your children.

Another man supporting you, and housing you all.

You don't go out and bring in any money.

But you don't do what a SAHM might usually do for your husband, and his children while they're staying with you and he's supporting you.

He's paying for a cleaner to do the things you declined to do for the man who supports you so you can stay home and look after your own children (not him or his).

You now want the cleaner to take on your house work; extra tasks on top of what she's engaged and paid to do within the time.

Yes, YABU.

Re your parents: time for some tough talking with the rest of your family to get their fingers out and pull their weight helping your parents.

And all the best with your child's assessment. Is their father stepping up to be there for this?

Your problem isn't the cleaner.

Sooo many misquotes and assumptions here!

She hasn't said anywhere at all that she didn't want to take care of the areas that he and his children inhabit. If you believe that to be wrong, please point to the specific quote where she has said that. What she actually said was that she does most of the housework and cooking and was happy to do so but was annoyed at the sheer amount of housework she had to do. She hasn't divided up areas at all. She hasn't complained about ironing his shorts. It was him who complained that his shirts weren't ironed. She likely hasn't done any ironing at all, but still does most of the housework. For a household of 7, I imagine it's not a small house.

Whether or not she should be supported by him 100% is an entirely different discussion, and one which they've probably had and agreed to when they decided to join their households. The fact is that's what their arrangement is. He provides the income. If you're arguing that that gives him a right to deny her access to the funds to support her with their shared household tasks which he allows for himself then, under the terms of their household finances that is financial abuse which is an offence, legally.

If you're further arguing that in order to have access to funds which support the household there is a reciprical arrangement that she must do all of the household chores then that would be tantamount to an employment arrangement without a contract and with payment in kind. Not legal.

What makes you think it was her decision for her to be a SAHM and not a joint decision, or even his decision? You have no way of knowing that. Also, what makes you think she's alone at home for 6 hours a day? You have a very 50s view of womanhood! This is the 2025. Women are allowed to have a life outside the home now, and they don't even have to have their husband's permission! You seem to think that because their household arrangement is that she will be a SAHM that means she must be at home all day with a pinny on and a feather duster in her hand, making sure dinner's on the table for her hard-working man when he gets home, the house is sparkling and there's a neat fold in the toilet paper!

Yabu

The cleaner has been employed for a certain number of hours and to do set tasks. This is not uncommon- some cleaners will do “whatever needs doing” within the time they are contracted for. Others are contacted to certain tasks within the time frame they are paid for. I think your cleaner is probably the latter.

In any case, given the limited hours she is employed for, I doubt she has time to add your tasks to those already allocated. So, yes YABU to expect the cleaner to pick up extra work that she does not have time for, nor is paid to do. I doubt she has specific instruction to ignore your requests OP. I think she is just very aware that she has x time to to do tasks A, B and C (the specific things your DH has employed he to do) and does not have time to do extra tasks d, e and f that you would like her to do in addition. The only way she could do the things you would like her to do would be to not do the things she IS paid to do (likely to annoy the person she is employed by). Therefore, she declines your request in order to ensure she completes the tasks she is actually paid to do. She is not your dogsbody or personal assistant, there to pick up whatever you can’t be bothered/don’t want to do/don’t have time for on any given day.

I also think you have a bit of a brass neck complaining about it- you resented being asked to do your DH’s ironing/clean or tidy up after his children (even though they are not there full time, whereas your children are, and you don’t work). So, he arranged for someone to cover the chores you had an issue with doing, thus relieving you of the tasks you found onerous- yet you still aren’t happy?

You don’t work, your husband essentially financially supports you and your children (some contribution from their father but sounds like the bulk of it comes from your husband) and yet you seem very reluctant to do anything for him or your step-children. As your children are school age, you literally have hours in the day to do chores/cook/life admin. I see you care for your parents- is that full time, every day? If it is, he is still supporting you to allow you to do that. If it isn’t, then you should have time at the very least to clean up after your own children, do yours and their laundry and tasks related to your children. Either way, if you can’t find time to do anything for his children, I’m not sure why he should make time to look after yours. You should be grateful that he outsourced things you were unhappy with- so, it is clear that he listened to your issues and took it on board, and addressed them. You’ve not much to complain about.

You have a very 50s view of womanhood! This is the 2025. Women are allowed to have a life outside the home now, and they don't even have to have their husband's permission! You seem to think that because their household arrangement is that she will be a SAHM that means she must be at home all day with a pinny on and a feather duster in her hand, making sure dinner's on the table for her hard-working man when he gets home, the house is sparkling and there's a neat fold in the toilet paper!

Oh come off it! There is no way that taking care of her house takes her 6 hours a day. She has plenty of free time! I don't think that she needs to be tied to the house but there is no reason for her to be tied to the house because all of the work that she has to do can be done in a small amount of time.

And I have a 1950s If you have womanhood?! I work in the legal field and have a six-figure salary. I support my family 100%. In addition to doing all of the things that the OP feels like she doesn't have the bandwidth to do.

The mental gymnastics that you're going through to try to make this the husband's fault is really impressive. Simone Biles would be jealous.

I can’t see how the DH is being unreasonable. He goes to work and funds the op staying at home with the children she has with someone else. So he funds the OP, the children who are not his, those children are in school all day so op has lots of free time in the day but OP does not want to do any house work that benefits him and his own children so he hires someone to do it. What else does he need to do. What are you bringing to this partnership besides making him pay out more. He asked her to iron his clothes, she said no so he paid someone to do it, simple.
He is paying all the bills
Paying someone to do his chores.
Paying all the OP’s bills
Paying for the children who are not his own.
OP stays at home all week with lots of free time during the school day but wants him to pay out more for the cleaner so she can do her chores for her kids. What does she do all day at home then. Come on. The guy is clearly a mug because you don’t treat him and his children like family, not sure why he’s carrying all your responsibilities.
I would have ended this relationship a long time ago and save myself all these headache and money too

So you a SAHM fully supported by this man.

What is the reason you do his washing and keep the house clean?

What she actually said was that she does most of the housework and cooking and was happy to do so but was annoyed at the sheer amount of housework she had to do.

Exactly. And her DH has therefore paid for a cleaner to do some of the housework. So the "sheer amount" has dropped. And because OP said she felt like a maid, he has also asked the cleaner to iron his clothes and his DC's clothes so she doesn't have to do that.

It sounds like he thought he was providing a solution. In fact he's done what is often suggested on MN - that if one person doesn't want to do their share of the housework (assuming for argument's sake that this is "DH's share"), they should outsource it.

If OP tells her DH that she actually quite likes ironing and perhaps she could do that and the cleaner can clean the kitchen instead , we have no idea how DH might react. That doesn't seem to be what OP is asking though - more likely that she wants the cleaner to clean the kitchen and leave the ironing undone so DH has to do it. OP always has the option to do what DH has done and pay for a cleaner to do some of her share.

I’m not sure here so I haven’t voted. He seems like a bastard for being so petty with his cleaner, but if I was a SAHM I would expect to do the housework (all of it tbh unless I had small babies / toddlers that required more constant care)

You have a very 50s view of womanhood! This is 2025. Women are allowed to have a job outside the home now, and they don't even have to have their husband's permission! You seem to think that because their household arrangement is that she will be a SAHM that means she must be at home all day with a pinny on and a feather duster in her hand, making sure dinner's on the table for her hard-working man when he gets home, the house is sparkling and there's a neat fold in the toilet paper! But these days she can work and contribute to the household finances and they can use some of the collective income to outsource the domestic stuff that they don't like doing!

There, fixed that.

Petty? She complained about having to do certain things. He then sorted it by paying someone else to do those things.

He supports her, her school age kids, pays to have chores specific to him and his own kids done. And you think he should provide more? He should pay the cleaner for more hours to also to the OP’s chores and her kid’s? So… what exactly is it she is going to do then? She doesn’t work. She doesn’t have to tidy up after him or his kids anymore. She just has to do clean up after herself and her own kids and look after communal areas.

This guy isn’t petty. OP is just bone lazy.

I'm going to go against the grain.

He's working full time to support you to stay at home and look after your own kids. His are older so don't need that level of 'looking after' plus they're barely (there in comparison to yours).

You voiced you're not happy with cleaning up after his kids and ironing his shirts. Personally I think that's a bit shit on your part while he presumably funds the majority of your ability to be a SAHM.
However, that's your call. And in response he's said "fine, ill pay someone else to do those parts"

I think he's being very fair.

Do you also expect him to pay for a cleaner AND support you to be a SAHM to kids that aren't his?

I disagree OP has time to go round helping her parents which is admirable but perhaps she can make arrangements to provide help for her parents which will leave her with more free time for herself.
Or get a job and pay for a cleaner.

Yes you’re right. I hadn’t read all the OPs comments when I replied. I did say if I was a SAHM I would expect to do all housework. Including the husband stuff. I hadn’t realised he also fully financially supports her also. As a parent who also works full time and certainly does not have a cleaner, I find it all bonkers tbh

How are you going against the grain when you're sating what most people have said?

YABU OP.

When working women come on here complaining about their partners who also work but don't do chores, they're told to leave the partners share of laundry to do himself.

I don't agree with a devide but having the cleaner do the duties she's doing frees you up from those jobs.

Easy to understand really.

I really don’t understand the result of the voting on this thread

I think many (most?) people read the title of a thread, skim the Opening post, and then vote. It seems a lot don't realise you can change your vote.

Plus, there are some people who post on here who will automatically criticise any man, simply because he is a man, rather than look at the facts of the individual thread.

But you are right, in terms of the vote not matching the comments.