To think that moving to London will "fix me"

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Dear MN I've posted about this before, but after 16 years in the UK, I've come to the conclusion that I genuinely don't feel at home, and I don't think I ever will.

I miss the nicer weather, but above it all I think the lack of feeling of belonging is what's dragging me down.

So the idea is that once we move to London, life should be "easier". I'll be able.to work in an office environment and get to see my fellow nationals. I'll also be able to do more activities that I actually enjoy.

My DH thinks it's because I'm looking for people that are 100% like me, and that I'll never find them. I don't think I'm that odd!

I'm just a very career driven (not mummsy at all) lady that really likes performance sports, likes to get into fandoms, would like to celebrate her dog's birthday, go on 5 star holidays, while listening to chill wave!

Because I work remotely, I don't get to see any one and my social skills are completely gone. I'm not outdoorsy and we live on the coast.

My idea of fun would be to join a wine appreciation club (or cheese!). I've tried running clubs but unfortunately I'm swamped with work more often than not, so have zero continuity.

I've also tried with local groups and sometimes there's some interest but when it comes to actually meeting, nobody shows up!

So my last hope is to move to London when we can and see if I can integrate, if not I think I'd rather move back to my birth country, where at least I've got 2 friends.

working remotely likely doesn't help? Anywhere will more people will mean more groups, opportunities etc but you may not click with people.

I'm just a very career driven (not mummsy at all) lady that really likes performance sports, likes to get into fandoms, would like to celebrate her dog's birthday, go on 5 star holidays, while listening to chill wave!

None of these things are contingent on your location.

Why do you think you will less “swamped by work” in London such that you will have time to run your wine group? Working in an office means travel time which means less time to spend on your hobbies.

I fear your expectations need trimming

It's certainly the case that London has more to offer in terms of a diverse population and range of activities than anywhere else in the UK. You can find community in activities here more readily than in smaller places.

Whether that will solve all your problems or not it's impossible to say. It's worth a shot though.

I probably will be just as swamped, but hopefully people will stay for a post work pint.

Or in tech normally (the companies I've worked at) there are social teams that organise events within the office. So I'd look at work as my key social life (it's always been that way).

Or the wine group could be on my way back from work (for example).

I’d become massively depressed if I didn’t know many people locally and worked from home full time.

I live in London and it’s no easier to find and make friends tbh. I thought with kids people might but… they’re all busy with work and kids!

London also adds a massive financial strain, so that’s something you should consider too.

It does seem to be ‘the norm’ that you get socially isolated if working full time and have kids. No one has time to invest in hobbies and friendships in any serious way.

Also - January in the UK is incredibly depressing even for the natives, and that probably doesn’t help your mental state either!

Unfortunately post-work drinks has been killed by covid.

And younger people don’t really drink as much.

This is nowhere near as common as five years ago sadly.

I mean you may or may not get on with fellow nationals you meet, people are just people at the end of the day. It’s working remotley alone that’s your main issue.

I think you'll be disappointed on this one, I don't know anyone in London where work is their main social life. The vast majority of people just want to get home to their actual social life.

The vast majority of people just want to get home after work. If you're pinning hopes on post work socialising, I think you might be very disappointed.

I've already got a group of "friends" that I meet whenever I get a chance in London. They all came from a WhatsApp group, and I've met with them a few times, so I think it could be done.

Also agree that most people in London (where I live) don’t go for a post work pint or socialise mainly through work. It’s really dwindled in the last few years.

And I get invited to networking events, but they're always in London (and normally short notice too unfortunately).

Post-work drink culture definitely used to be a big thing in London.

It’s less now.

And of course even less if you have kids anyway, due to the spontaneity of it not really working when you have to do school runs and nursery pick ups.

Tell that to the City of London pubs last night. They were all absolutely rammed: Dry January be damned..

Could you look for an office based role in your nearest town / city first?

The costs of living in London are eye watering...

Where are you from?

The best way to spend lots of time with your fellow nationals is surely to live there, maybe on a trial basis?

Personally I think working from home is socially isolating and London is great so yes, give it a go, but your husband is right about not finding a group of people on exactly the same page as you. I think that ship sails when you emigrate tbh (speaking from experience).

If you can afford it, give it a go! Can't be any worse than your current situation. Before kids I did all my socialising through work friends and associated people and it was fun!

Unfortunately anything "local" pays about half of my salary. I already had a bit of a pay cut for being fully remote.

The biggest city (which is still 3 hours away) would be a similar salary to my current one.

My role in London is close/north to £100k

I was thinking that. I don't drink alcohol, so don't usually go inside pubs, but when I walk past pubs in the city any time after late afternoon/early evening, there are always crowds of people standing outside drinking.

Sorry your post is hard to follow.

What part of the uk has “nicer weather” to miss? It’s all pretty shit!

If you don’t feel at home in the UK after 16 years, why would London be any different? Is it similar to where you lived before?

London has its charm but it certainly won’t fix your problems and comes with its own problems

Well yes, obviously people drink, but it’s not the same work boozing culture as in the past. All my friends have found the same.

People will still probably be meeting their mates for drinks, and yes having drinks with colleagues. And Thursday is now the ‘big night’ given so many WFH on Fridays.

It does seem very busy this January - dry January obviously less popular than in the past.

It will really depend where in London you live and what you do for a living.

London is fantastic and can work well if you have a different nationality. DH is North African and has plenty of friends from his home country, can find local food, speak his mother tongue.

However, it is expensive to live here. If you live further out for cost reasons you may find yourself far from the groups you want to mix with and spending a lot of time commuting

I miss the weather of my birth country.

And at least it would be a city. I was born and raised in a city of 20+ million my "town" has like 10k people.

We can afford to live centrally (well Clapham/Wimbledon) so that's not a real issue.

Why on earth would being in London allow you to 'celebrate your dog's birthday'??? Surely you would do that privately, or are you planning to hire out a private room in a club? 😂

London is reasonably busy Tues-Thurs. People go out after work a lot less than they did, but there is some work-related socialising and young people (pre-marriage and kids) still go out.

London is very multi-cultural, international, etc, so if you want more of that then yes, you'll feel more at home. It sounds to me though that your biggest issue is WFH, which can be isolating and if you're an extrovert who values going out and socialising then an in-person job will almost certainly give you more of what you need and miss.