To think that moving to London will "fix me"

[Usedphone]

Dear MN I've posted about this before, but after 16 years in the UK, I've come to the conclusion that I genuinely don't feel at home, and I don't think I ever will.

I miss the nicer weather, but above it all I think the lack of feeling of belonging is what's dragging me down.

So the idea is that once we move to London, life should be "easier". I'll be able.to work in an office environment and get to see my fellow nationals. I'll also be able to do more activities that I actually enjoy.

My DH thinks it's because I'm looking for people that are 100% like me, and that I'll never find them. I don't think I'm that odd!

I'm just a very career driven (not mummsy at all) lady that really likes performance sports, likes to get into fandoms, would like to celebrate her dog's birthday, go on 5 star holidays, while listening to chill wave!

Because I work remotely, I don't get to see any one and my social skills are completely gone. I'm not outdoorsy and we live on the coast.

My idea of fun would be to join a wine appreciation club (or cheese!). I've tried running clubs but unfortunately I'm swamped with work more often than not, so have zero continuity.

I've also tried with local groups and sometimes there's some interest but when it comes to actually meeting, nobody shows up!

So my last hope is to move to London when we can and see if I can integrate, if not I think I'd rather move back to my birth country, where at least I've got 2 friends.

Come to London - it's great x

I live in London, on my street I have friends from France, India, USA (quite a few), Argentina, Italy, as well as lots of brits, and at work I have colleagues who are American, Canadian, Malaysian, Palestinian, etc. as well as lots of brits. London has a mountain of things to do, and really is brilliant in a lot of ways. I often think of the Oscar Wilde quote “tired of London, tired of life” while I go about my day-to-day…

It’s still the UK so the weather is still shit, and it’s v polluted and dirty with a fair amount of crime, it’s v expensive, there are lots of queues and people… but if you can deal with those things then you might just love it.

I’m really curious as to how you ended up living on the coast 3 hours away from the nearest city! And hats off to someone who is not “mumsy” but has managed to raise 4 kids!

I am presuming your DH is not from your country/culture as you don’t talk in terms of the two of you meeting people from your country? So you miss speaking in your native language? Do you think that you’d benefit from having friends from your own country even if you don’t have much else in common with them?

I think you probably would get a new lease of life in London. I would not live anywhere else myself. However, as others said, I think you’ll struggle to find people from the office who spontaneously go for a drink after work. Yes, I agree that the pubs in the City are still thronged but, kindly, they are not thronged with people who want to hang out with people in their 50s who are most likely senior to them at work. It’s mostly young people out drinking while the older ones are either working late or take the opportunity to get back to their families if they do finish early. (And who probably live further out and have a longer commute)

I don't people are any more likely to stay for a post work pint in London . In fact they are probably less likely to because London is so huge and the commuting area also huge. People will travel into London for work from miles away and not want to hang around too long after work.
I think you probably do need to move to a city if you live in a coastal town I can see why you might feel as though you can't find your people but I don't think London is necessarily the answer.

My exH is the dean of the local uni.... He had zero interest in making any friends when we were closer to London. "You need friends, not me" his words.

So we moved over here with the promise that he'd make an effort. I didn't want to, I had a group of friends that I would hang out with. I also was able to go to concerts, the V&A / Tate special exhibitions, etc... but the idea of having a more "fulfilling family life" made do it (as well that he threatened with moving or divorce, and I ended up divorced anyway!)

Ah but now you have a new DH in the mix by the sound of it? Who must have been local to you when you met?

Have PMed you the details!

@Dazedandconfusedma that quote is by Samuel Johnson- but you are right, it's pretty accurate.

OP given all that you've said I really believe London would be right for you. Not necessarily Clapham which is quite yummy mummy but maybe, or maybe somewhere trendier like Brixton, or somewhere villagey like Blackheath for dog walks on Greenwich Park?

Anyway, people on here can often be snooty about London and say it's not all that, but if you're a city person then there's really no comparison, other than perhaps New York, and even New York doesn't have the pavement cafe / drinking culture that we have. The diversity of groups you can find aligning with any and every hobby or niche is second to none, and the opportunities to engage in culture are incredible.

Go for it!

Correct. My exH at the time of divorce was not very nice and said he should keep our DD as obviously I wanted to move back to London. So I had to make the most of being stuck here, and then I met my now husband.

However, meeting him hasn't really affected the timeline, and he's definitely the best thing if moving over here!

Ironically his family is in East Anglia, so he has no real ties either.

@laaandoner - ah! I should have know that - now I do, thank you!

Yes, I'm in Blackheath/Greenwich and imo it's way nicer than Wimbledon. There's more to do Maritime Museum/Observatory/Royal Naval College/Queens house than Wimbledon - it's a bit suburby and is a place for earlier parenting

Also where I am it's just into Zone 3 and about 18 minutes to the theatres

Plus the 256 acre park and along the river for walks. I never walked when I lived outside London, I DROVE to go for walks. In London I've got dogs and a really active lifestyle.

I go to the theatre twice a month, have made so many friends because I've joined things. I don't find it at all unfriendly, people talk to me every day.

If your budgets about 1-1.5 I have at least 3 houses to send you links to as I'm obsessed with the property market

Pffft I've been to New York 4 times, all before moving to London. Wouldn't go again because London is so much better.

It's worth a shot if you can afford it. I'm not from the UK, though I lived there for a long time, ten years of that, very happily, in London -- when I moved to the midlands for a job with DH and a baby, I found the village we moved to a total desert in terms of kindred spirits. And I'm NT, socially confident and have never struggled with friends, nor am I in any way unusual, but I coded as 'highly unusual' for that particular social environment, on things as unexceptionable as 'being a foreigner', 'being a working mother', and 'cycling everywhere'.

I would agree! I've lived in Mexico City, Paris, Sydney, Boston, and London, I'd say London is still my #1 (Paris is very close though!)

Do it! London is the place I feel most alive in the UK. There are plenty of ways to make friends, and certainly in my office in the city, people do go out for a swift drink! I agree that a lot of networking events are also in London, which is another great way to meet people.

Thanks for all the replies ladies!

Since it's like 4.5 years away (still) I'm open to suggestions as to where to move to.

The top of our budget is 1 million and we need a 3 bed, and the kitchen has to have an island, that's non negotiable.