To think that moving to London will "fix me"

[Usedphone]

Dear MN I've posted about this before, but after 16 years in the UK, I've come to the conclusion that I genuinely don't feel at home, and I don't think I ever will.

I miss the nicer weather, but above it all I think the lack of feeling of belonging is what's dragging me down.

So the idea is that once we move to London, life should be "easier". I'll be able.to work in an office environment and get to see my fellow nationals. I'll also be able to do more activities that I actually enjoy.

My DH thinks it's because I'm looking for people that are 100% like me, and that I'll never find them. I don't think I'm that odd!

I'm just a very career driven (not mummsy at all) lady that really likes performance sports, likes to get into fandoms, would like to celebrate her dog's birthday, go on 5 star holidays, while listening to chill wave!

Because I work remotely, I don't get to see any one and my social skills are completely gone. I'm not outdoorsy and we live on the coast.

My idea of fun would be to join a wine appreciation club (or cheese!). I've tried running clubs but unfortunately I'm swamped with work more often than not, so have zero continuity.

I've also tried with local groups and sometimes there's some interest but when it comes to actually meeting, nobody shows up!

So my last hope is to move to London when we can and see if I can integrate, if not I think I'd rather move back to my birth country, where at least I've got 2 friends.

Bluntly your issue is a lack of social circle. London won’t fix that, London won’t automatically give you more friends. In fact it can be easier to be lonely in London than somewhere smaller.

If you can afford London then you should definitely try that. It sounds like you already have more of a social life there the few times a year you go compared to where you live now.

I was also an immigrant living in England and felt much more at home and integrated when I lived in London compared to when I lived in the north. Up north there was nobody else that I knew of that I shared a nationality with but in London there were lots of social groups and events from my home country. There was even food shops and bakeries with food from home. It was a million times easier to live in London. I couldn't move back home due to marriage and kids, but London was the next best thing for sure.

It would give me more opportunities though (or so I think)

*Expat community
*Religious congregation (which I do attend the local one sometimes attend but the average age is 85). There are a lot of more groups depending of interests that I could attend.
*The work related social life
*Networking events

I find it hard to empathise (neuro divergent) so I do need the common ground to be able to "bond"..

She does already have friends in London though. And it can be easier for most of us to make friends with people you have something in common with.

Some gifted and likeable people can make friends with absolutely anyone from any background, and some people are terrible at making friends full stop, but most of us are somewhere in the middle and find it easier to get on with people we have a lot on common with. The OP is far more likely to find these people in a big multicultural city, working face to face with people with a similar skillset.

I think, given your circumstances, you should do it. Being able to work in an office and interact with diverse, interesting people will make a massive difference even if it takes a while to develop a social circle (and it almost certainly will). Are you going to find people who are just like you? No probably not, but you'll find different people who share different aspects of your personality and interests.

Btw what are 'performance sports'?

OP is part of a WhatsApp group that she has “met a few times” it’s a bit full on to view these as proper friends and it may lead to disappointment on her behalf.

I’ve several WhatsApp groups for various things, hobbies, baby stuff, school stuff etc. Sometimes we meet up but people have their own core friends.

Go for it. You won't know until you try and if doesn't work out it sounds like you're young enough to manage the change.

Is it just you though? Are there other people in this mix who do not feel the same way or would be affected by moving in a negative way?

Wimbledon is actually quite a long way out but very nice especially if you are in the village. Clapham has a lot of rich bankers and lawyers depending where you are and some parts are very family focused.

We are in West London (Zone 3) on the Lizzy line so can be in the West End in 15 mins. I work in the City and my commute is around 30 mins.

Even with a decent household income rent for a nice area will be high. Going out is expensive but on the plus side there are great options and public transport is great.

I love London and it would take a lot for me to move away (I have been here over 30 years). I think you should give it a try but be realistic about the costs and that a significant uplift in salary doesn’t necessarily translate into a significant uplift in lifestyle.

Yes, that's why I'm hopeful! I have very little in common with the people around me.

Normally you get the people who were born and bred here and love it, and the ones that moved here and love it. I don't love it. I find it boring and isolating.

I have one friend who feels the same and she's desperate to move back to London, but she doesn't know if she can afford it.

Endurance mainly, but I focus a lot on my performance metrics (pace, wattage, etc...)

Yes our preference is Clapham. There's a few houses that we could currently afford (buying).

We're lucky in the sense that our mortgage is absolutely tiny and the house is worth something, so even though we'll need a mortgage to buy in Clapham, our mortgage would be around £1200 (maybe less) so it's ok

Welcome to London

I can only offer my own perspective, it fixed me. 20 years of living somewhere shit for my kids and I was persistently low level depressed and bored. I HATED the small town mentality and there was nothing to do.

The second the last went to uni we moved here (8 years now!) and I have never had one day of low mood. All I can say is that I wish I hadn't lost those 20 years.

Some people are just big city people. I have done 4 'things' in the last week and I reckon I went weeks without leaving the house in the last place.

For some people it isn't 'them', instead it's environmental. For most people reframing and changing perspective helps. Not for me, I just needed to fucking move.

Do you have kids? Not clear from your OP. I think that makes a big difference to how you'll experience London. I have different thoughts depending on what life stage you're at

Oxford?

I love posts like these that remind me never to leave when I have a little wobble

OMG that's me!!! (And our circumstances!) This gives me so much hope!

Give it a go - rent here for a year and try to build the life you want. But give location a LOT of thought. A lot of the activities will be highly localised.

I moved to London when I was 18 and never looked back. I am not white but I’m never conscious of my skin colour here. I love nearly everything about being here, despite the bad press London can receive.

It has been a fabulous place to raise kids. I have made friends from work but also from school, despite working full-time. I do tend to be quite good at small-talk and engaging people though.

I find it’s an exciting life here still even though I’m now in my 50s. It is expensive, but then a lot of places are these days. When are you go into central London, the restaurants and bars are still heaving, as are the West End Theatres. I feel very ‘alive’ in London.

People do seem to be more accepting of difference and don’t blink an eyelid at anybody walking past in whatever outfit etc they choose. My young adult kids are uni students elsewhere but they are adamant they will return to London when they start working.

I even love the Tube! I am very biased but it sounds like London life would suit you. Come and join us all!

I left a job that was predominately remote working. I felt isolated. I didn't realise how much I needed the social side of work. I moved to a job that was predominately office based. Covid rocked the boat a bit but now mostly back in the office and that suits me. Don't get me wrong I could do without the commute etc and periodically I still enjoy a working at home day but I know for me I need people around me to be my best. Good luck with what you decide.

I moved out of London two years ago and seriously, seriously regret it. If you're the type of person that like the international, cosmopilatan city, then London is life in UK. I would go back in a flash if I were you. You can afford it, the office is fun half the week and you will meet people from your expat community.

apart from anything else, we've come to the conclusion that living in the sticks is seriously prematurely ageing 😂. life is too short to yearn to be somewhere else, do it. Good luck!

So by the time we move three would either be in uni or graduated and one would go to secondary school.

The "faith school" has a good rating but it's all the way in Finchley. There's a language based one on Portobello road. I've heard Wimbledon has decent state options too.

I don’t mean to be dismissive of your experience (and I totally agree the winter months in the UK are depressing and don’t help) but in the interests of giving an alternative point of view, I have found it MUCH easier to make friends in London than in other places I’ve lived in the UK, including where I grew up. My personal experience has been that there’s such a diverse load of people moving into London from pretty much everywhere globally, that the communities are far less homogenous than those you might find in small towns. I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had in London and really found my people. Having a dog also helped as you get talking to other dog walkers and many have become actual friends. I also live in a cheaper “grittier” part of London where people are generally down to earth (not that down to earth people can’t live in Clapham or Chelsea for instance but there’s no competitive displays of wealth or status. Just nice people meeting in the pub with our dogs).

I don't know what industry you work in but I've found the post work drink culture there was in my twenties has disappeared post covid (I'm still best mates with the people I started my job with twenty years ago and we did a lot of after work bonding in the pub but they've all moved on now.) Although maybe it's just because I'm old and boring and don't get invited to drinks anymore. People still go out but it's more organised team dos than impromptu drinks I find (I was in Weds last week and the bars in Canary Wharf were empty.) I'm just saying maybe don't bank on it, lots of people have moved further out in Covid and have longer commutes, only in office once or twice a week, etc.

If you need any N London tips, let me know!

Ok move to London but then invite me to your dog's birthday and we'll listen to chill wave together, and talk about our careers.

Joke aside, I'm an expat too, I've been living in London for 8 years, and I absolutely love it. I have a lot of friends now (took some time), we're similar but not identical, we share similar interest.
AND WE HAVE DOGS. I'm quite outdoorsy, but also like a rave, and London allows me to do just both very easily.