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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with weight comments made to my 10yr old

113 replies

harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 16:55

DD is 10, in year 6 (which if u know u know is a bloody awful year for girls falling out etc) DD fell out with two girls as 3 was a crowd she felt left out all the time so has now made friends with some other lovely girls and everything was fine. Until today. One of the girls in the group she used to be with came up to her and said such girl said my DD was 'thin as a stick' and to eat more. I'm absolutely livid, being a RMN I have young girls with eating disorders and quite a few of these patients of mine have had weight comments made to them at a young age, thus creating a life long battle with food. I know my daughter wasn't called fat but to me it's potentially just as harmful and I'm so angry. I went straight to the deputy head or insists she will deal with it and speak to these girls tomorrow to get to the bottom of it but I'm so angry I want to txt the girls mum's and tell them what their nasty little sods have said but I don't know if it'll make things better or worse? Any advice has anyone been in this type of situation and how can I do my best to prevent this happening again?

OP posts:
Original poster
harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 16:57

Just to clarify my daughter is of slim build, certainly not underweight nor overweight she's perfectly proportioned. The girls that said this are girls of a higher BMI so I don't understand how they can say mean things like this?

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 22/01/2025 16:58

It’s an unkind thing to say but honestly you will do yourself no favours if you contact the girl’s mum directly. Let school deal with it and just continue to model healthy eating behaviour with your daughter which I am sure you already do.

Ilovecakey · 22/01/2025 17:00

harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 16:57

Just to clarify my daughter is of slim build, certainly not underweight nor overweight she's perfectly proportioned. The girls that said this are girls of a higher BMI so I don't understand how they can say mean things like this?

Most likely jealous if they are overweight

TheGirlattheBack · 22/01/2025 17:04

Was your daughter upset by the comment?

As a parent I would talk to my daughter about what a healthy weight and diet looks like. TBF that sounds like a comment made out of jealousy and I would also discuss that with my daughter.

I think you might be spiralling slightly down the eating disorder rabbit hole. Don’t make a big deal of it at this stage.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/01/2025 17:05

You are going to look like an idiot if you go turning one random comment into a big school incident, let alone texting people's mothers.

You are massively overreacting, and I wonder whether it is because you have some sensitivity about weight? Or because you are angry with your daughter's friends about the previous break in their social group?

Snowfall11 · 22/01/2025 17:06

Perhaps the girls were genuinely concerned for your DD’s wellbeing as they are ignorant of what a healthy weight looks like. If they are overweight, perhaps their families are as well and they think that’s normal and healthy. YABU, you are overreacting to a single comment from 10 year old girls.

pictoosh · 22/01/2025 17:07

I understand that you have knowledge in this area and feel passionately about it.

This is not the last time she will encounter other people commenting on her body or looks. Everyone gets it from someone, be it a schoolmate or our tactless granny. Sometimes it comes from complete strangers.

Even if your approach had the desired effect (it won't but let's imagine) how are you going to stop the next person from piping up? You can't.

All you can do is educate and equip your daughter to fend off the comments of others.

Original poster
harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 17:11

Maybe I am overreacting I just know first hand how devastating body shaming comments can have on girls especially at this age and it scares me.

They weren't being kind or worried they said it in quite a vicious way apparently.

OP posts:
PizzaPunk · 22/01/2025 17:12

You've spoken to the school so just keep an eye on how they deal with it.

I had that sort of thing all my life but I was pretty resilient about it (and still am).

Try not to let your DD know how furious you are though, otherwise you might make her think there's some truth in it.

My mum would roll her eyes and I think that's why I learned to.

But the most important thing was, if it ever got to me I know my mum would've been on my side and straight down the school.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/01/2025 17:12

Girls at that age will find anything they can to pick at if they want to be mean. Flat chest, or boobs, freckles, hair colour.

I had similar with my DD. I taught her some useful put downs [but that she shouldn't respond in kind about others appearances] and told her that often when people are miserable and feeling bad about their own appearance, they have a go at others to try to make themselves feel better. In the words of Michelle Obama - go high when others go low.

Your opinion is noted. When I want it I'll ask for it.
Eyebrow raise - bad day?
I'd rather be skinny than rude.
It's great - I can fit through tight spaces
I'm going for the human noodle look
Let me look in my bothered bag..... no, it's empty ! [there are ruder versions for older children]
Are you body shaming me? [in a loud voice]

SallyWD · 22/01/2025 17:13

It's awful and I think we all worry about our daughters developing eating disorders. However, you're overreacting. Kids are mean. I had all sorts of mean things said to me when I was growing up (by other girls). I was chubby, plump, my breasts were too small, my teeth were too big, my eyes were droopy and dead, I was boring, I was lifeless, I was a slug. You get the picture!!!
However, the last thing I would have wanted was for my mum to message their mums! No way! It would have made everything ten times worse.
Just reassure her that she's healthy and fine.

PizzaPunk · 22/01/2025 17:14

harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 16:57

Just to clarify my daughter is of slim build, certainly not underweight nor overweight she's perfectly proportioned. The girls that said this are girls of a higher BMI so I don't understand how they can say mean things like this?

You don't understand it, really?

Would you understand it if they said she had a big nose, or smelly breath and she didn't?

Surely you'd understand that they're just talking bollocks because they want to throw an insult at her?

That's what they're doing here but if you go OTT about it, you'll make her think there may be some truth in it.

TheGirlattheBack · 22/01/2025 17:18

I think developing an eating disorder is far more complex than a one off comment. Mine comes from my Mum’s attitude to food and her weight - watch your reaction!

cansu · 22/01/2025 17:20

It is unkind. As you yourself say kids if this age fall out and say mean things to each other. You have dealt with it. The school will speak to the other child about why it is an unacceptable comment. Doing anything further would be an overreaction. It will also potentially blow this up into a bigger issue.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 17:20

I don't think it's as harmful as being ridiculed for being fat, sorry, but it is bloody horrible to be singled out by this former friend

But I definitely wouldn't make a thing of it, agree with pp

Tbh I'm sure she'd be fair to call them jealous for not being as thin as her

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 17:43

harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 16:57

Just to clarify my daughter is of slim build, certainly not underweight nor overweight she's perfectly proportioned. The girls that said this are girls of a higher BMI so I don't understand how they can say mean things like this?

The girl is obviously jealous of your daughter and is conscious about her own weight

How did your daughter feel about the comment

PizzaPunk · 22/01/2025 17:44

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 17:20

I don't think it's as harmful as being ridiculed for being fat, sorry, but it is bloody horrible to be singled out by this former friend

But I definitely wouldn't make a thing of it, agree with pp

Tbh I'm sure she'd be fair to call them jealous for not being as thin as her

I don't think it's as harmful as being ridiculed for being fat, sorry,

You can't say that with any certainty because body shaming affects people in different ways.

Tbh I'm sure she'd be fair to call them jealous for not being as thin as her

Hopefully she won't lower herself into body shaming them back.

No good would come from any of it.

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 17:44

harlacem0507 · 22/01/2025 17:11

Maybe I am overreacting I just know first hand how devastating body shaming comments can have on girls especially at this age and it scares me.

They weren't being kind or worried they said it in quite a vicious way apparently.

Can you contact the girls mother, her daughter is a bully

BobbyBiscuits · 22/01/2025 17:47

Kids do need to be able to assert themselves in these situations. Just teach her to say 'its rude to make comments about other people's bodies.' and move the conversation on. I feel escalation to calling the parent is somewhat excessive.

Children do make observations about eachothers looks, sometimes factually, sometimes unkindly. But just teach your daughter not to sink to that level and to correct people who speak that way.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 17:48

PizzaPunk · 22/01/2025 17:44

I don't think it's as harmful as being ridiculed for being fat, sorry,

You can't say that with any certainty because body shaming affects people in different ways.

Tbh I'm sure she'd be fair to call them jealous for not being as thin as her

Hopefully she won't lower herself into body shaming them back.

No good would come from any of it.

Show quote history

Sometimes with bullies you have to fight back

No sorry, bodyshaming is horrible, picking on someone's wonky eyebrow or sticky out ears or calling them too thin is unkind and wrong but fat people face objective discrimination that thin people just don't.

Uol2022 · 22/01/2025 17:48

Talking to your daughter about it will do more to limit any damage than making a fuss with the school. If it becomes a recurring issue then go back to the school. For a one off I’d put it down to 10 year old girls being bitchy and insecure, a small amount of this between peers is normal and something we all have to learn to cope with.

SometimesCalmPerson · 22/01/2025 17:51

I’m shocked at the way the vote has gone so far, 78% think yabu! I’d bet my house it would be different if this girl had called your dd as fat as a pig instead of as thin as a stick.

YANBU OP

fairycakes1234 · 22/01/2025 17:51

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/01/2025 17:05

You are going to look like an idiot if you go turning one random comment into a big school incident, let alone texting people's mothers.

You are massively overreacting, and I wonder whether it is because you have some sensitivity about weight? Or because you are angry with your daughter's friends about the previous break in their social group?

How is she looking like an idiot, and as a menal health nurse as she explained she sees things likes this all the time, what part are you finding hard to understand??

Lostworlds · 22/01/2025 17:57

The girls sound like they were being unkind, you’ve spoken to the school so I think you should leave it there. Do not contact the other parents.

Speak to your dd and ask how it made her feel. Don’t focus on eating disorders just now, I understand you have a lot of experience on the matter but listen to your dd and remind her that it was good that she confided in you, that she can talk to you about anything and you’ll always be her biggest supporter and safe place. Based on how she feels you can then talk about body shaming and how she should try not let those ignorant comments get to her as the girl’s aim was to upset her.

Beryls · 22/01/2025 17:57

Just sounds like an insecure little girl saying the comment. I don't see why your daughter would be traumatised. I was stick thin when I was young, kids AND adults always commented on it, I ate plenty so the response was always just a shrug. Making a massive deal of it seems a bit over the top.