To be furious with weight comments made to my 10yr old

[harlacem0507]

DD is 10, in year 6 (which if u know u know is a bloody awful year for girls falling out etc) DD fell out with two girls as 3 was a crowd she felt left out all the time so has now made friends with some other lovely girls and everything was fine. Until today. One of the girls in the group she used to be with came up to her and said such girl said my DD was 'thin as a stick' and to eat more. I'm absolutely livid, being a RMN I have young girls with eating disorders and quite a few of these patients of mine have had weight comments made to them at a young age, thus creating a life long battle with food. I know my daughter wasn't called fat but to me it's potentially just as harmful and I'm so angry. I went straight to the deputy head or insists she will deal with it and speak to these girls tomorrow to get to the bottom of it but I'm so angry I want to txt the girls mum's and tell them what their nasty little sods have said but I don't know if it'll make things better or worse? Any advice has anyone been in this type of situation and how can I do my best to prevent this happening again?

I think don't make a big deal out of it or your DD will see it as a big deal.

Try to build resilience in your daughter as there is a lifetime of thoughtless comments ahead of her. Other people's comments don't define you.

Use it as an opportunity to teach your child about jealously. If she's not thin, and they are bigger girls, they are just jealous. Your DD shouldn't feel any harm from their comments given that she is not what they said she is.

Wow chill out op! Definitely don’t do any of what you suggested people will think you are bonkers!

Yes of course it would be different, and I’m sure you understand why.

I voted YABU OP, not because it wasn’t unkind but because I think you have done enough for now. It seems it was a one off comment (as described), you’ve told the school, you’ve had/you will have a chat with your DD.

It is just as bad.

Get ahead of the narrative - I’m sure you have countered this already because you are right it can be very damaging if it is internalised

Really? A 10 or 11 year old child, who is still learning about what is & isn’t socially acceptable, making one comment makes her a ‘bully’?
I think the OP blowing up the way she is has much more potential for this causing long term damage.
It was a silly, unkind and wrong thing to say. I’m sure she’ll be told that. What more is needed here?

I know my daughter wasn't called fat but to me it's potentially just as harmful and I'm so angry.

To you... What does your daughter feel? I'm guessing she's not angry, does she now feel insecure about her build/weight/appearance?

You might be making a mountain out of a molehill here...

Tell me how? Social and cultural norms around appearance are such that thinness is prized above all else. Thin does not have the same pejorative connotations that fatness does.

I will add that as a rule, I never comment on anyone else’s appearance, and I teach my children the same.

YABU because you clearly know that anorexia would most likely be triggered by being called too fat, not too thin. Fine to be annoyed at the other girls' body shaming comments but let's not kid ourselves that being called too thin is as damaging as being called too fat.

Why is it different? Speaking as someone who was taunted for years over my ‘stick thin’ build.

It is. It may not cause anorexia but it most certainly is damaging and harmful. I should know.

Of course it's just as bad. Telling someone they are thin when are in fact too thin and suffering with anorexia for example, you think that's not as bad as calling someone fat who has struggled to lose weight?

Because you don’t comment on weight either way. It’s just as rude. Doesn’t matter what you think societal norms are. They’re not the same in all cultures anyway.

You need to calm down, OP. This was one comment from a peer, and your daughter (unfortunately like all women) will have enough world media and societal pressure on her body anyway. Is that OK? No. Is it realistic? Yes. Therefore all you can do is instil your daughter with your values and resilience against this.

Have a quick word with the teacher to point out that comments of body negativity should be actively discouraged and focus your energies in bringing up a strong-minded kid.

You do know, you view is clouded my your experiences. In almost the entirety of western civilisation/high income countries, thinness is valued and fatness is abhorred. I don’t have to tell you this, you watch TV, interact with other people, read the news.

It was a silly, unkind and wrong thing to say. I’m sure she’ll be told that.

Told that by whom though, I doubt the school will do it

That’s not the situation I am commenting on here so I won’t derail with my views on this. But if you have any literature or evidence in this area, I’d be interested to read it. Most of my knowledge base is around obesity stigma.

You shouldn't comment on weight agreed but you're very unaware of the world around you if you think it's just as rude to call someone thin as it is to call them fat. Why don't you try it out on a few people as an experiment and see if people's reactions vary.

These girls were being mean, but could have used anything at all to be hurtful towards your DD. So please don’t talk to her about weight or body image, or mention that jealousy may be behind this behaviour- all that does is place an emphasis on weight/shape/size as being important. Instead, help your DD build a robust self esteem that’s based on her talents, attributes and values so that body image is a less important part, and only one part, of how she assesses her worthiness.

No one develops an eating disorder solely because of comments like these, but rather because these comments resonate more deeply with people already struggling with issues like low self esteem, high levels of sensitivity and perfectionism.

Look, I'm not going to get into the ins and outs over which sort of body shaming is more hurtful because as I said, it affects people differently and we all have different insecurities.

Fighting back at this stage (or rather body shaming back) would be wrong because the OP has contacted the school, so she should let them deal with it for now.

It’s not about her weight.

it’s about finding a weakness they can use to upset her.

Which they’ve done, haven’t they? Your dd will see your reaction and learn weight is a sensitive topic, and she should be reacting negatively to the issue. In fact if the bullies get wind of your reaction they may well use your behaviour to bully her.

focus on teaching your dd self esteem and how to deal with this stuff. Tell her the intention is not really her weight, her ears, her name, or anything else, it’s to make themselves feel better by trying to make her feel bad. There’s nothing wrong with her, they don’t like themselves so pick on any differences…

but surely you should know all this as a rmn? That food isn’t always about size and weight, it’s control.

Sorry to say you will hear much worse from high school

The fact that someone is a mental health nurse does not mean they have good judgement or the ability to keep normal unpleasant teenage behaviour in proportion.

The OP is reacting over emotionally (in fairness to her she seems to recognise this) and is liable to turn one passing comment into a big deal for her daughter.

Is this a dig at the bully girls sizes?!