I've been a fool. I'm stuck and I need advice :-(

[Desperatelystuck]

NC for this.

Please be gentle I'm extremely fragile over this situation atm and understand I look foolish to anyone reading. I'll try and keep it as short as I can.

Been with P for 7 years, have DC - toddler.

I am in an abusive relationship and I only faced facts the year my toddler was born, that it was emotional, coercive and financial abuse (told me he would leave if I gave him money, I did, and he didnt leave). I can't go into detail or this would go on forever. I have very low self esteem and thought we had a relatively happy relationship prior to DC because I was so blinded by the good, when it was good. I quickly buried my head about the bad and accepted that I had made him act the way he did etc.

I used to own my home before DC, P lived with a friend and was a first time buyer and was able to find a "do-er upper" with a garden etc, and was accepted to buy with a low deposit. I gave them half of the deposit and lawyers fees to do this.
I then sold my flat (tenement was owned by social housing and they refused to contribute to repairs badly needed on the building) I felt I had no choice but to sell asap before it got worse. The proceeds of my sale went to Ps house renovations and I also pay for all bills, apart from mortgage & council tax. The promise was that my name would also go on the house. That hasn't happened. He dangles this over my head.

He earns £52k + and I earn £42k. He said the fairest way to split bills was that I pay 40% and he pays 60% - I genuinely don't know if this is OK as I struggle with numbers massively.

The problem is he is a relentless bully, I can't take the absolute lies and verbal abuse he gives me. He is narcistic and never takes the blame for anything and will down right lie his way out of anything he is challeneged about. The worst is, people on the outside would be shocked if they even scratched the surface as he appears this really likable guy to everyone else. I tried to leave him before and was successful but the situation wasn't ideal, I was living in my mums with a small child and barely a thing of my own, and was an absolute nervous wreck due to his intimidating behaviour and constant verbal abuse about everything I done, I didn't react to any of this and kept as calm and composed as possible at all times. He eventually calmed down and started (which I now know as) "love bombing" me. I genuinely thought he'd changed. And I genuinely thought this could work and would be best for DC to have us all live together and a new start.

Clearly I'm posting here because a leopard never changes its spots.

Any time there's an argument he tells me to "fuck off out" "it's his house" "I pay for nothing" (the bills mentioned above equate to £1400 and I pay for all DC expenses as well as household products etc) he has such a sense of entitlement and takes everything I do for granted (I work FT and do every bit of housework and DIY). He is a hands on dad and I tried to settle with this to justify to myself that this is all ok and as long as he's a good dad I can put up with the rest for my DC.

I don't have much in the way of savings as the house has had constant renovations, and I know for a fact he'd do everything in his power to not pay me a penny in CMS.

FWIW I could genuinely spew looking at what I am about to post, I can't believe this is my life and I desperately need some help/advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has any advice as to what I could do from here. I am already beating myself up as I feel I have failed my DC from being in this situation and I know how financially stupid I have been. I feel like I can't tell my parents due to the shame and embarrassment of this and I wouldn't know where to begin in telling a friend.

Posted in AIBU for traffic.

Paying bills will not be taken into account by a court, but my understanding is that if you have paid for improvements to the property, that may be enough to give you an interest in the house itself, but you must talk to a solicitor asap and explain everything to them, so they understand how desperate you are.

Good luck OP.

You know exactly what you need to do.. Please don't wait until it starts to get physical.. It Will at some point.. Only you can be the strong one and your child is depending on you to be happy so the child can also happy.. Deep breath and start the process by spending £100 or so for a solicitors 1st appointment.. Do your research (incognito).. Write down all the questions you'd like answering about ie.. finance, police, restraining orders, child. Explain your situation clearly and coherently.. Help is out there.. I wish you and your little one all the very best

He earns £52k + and I earn £42k. He said the fairest way to split bills was that I pay 40% and he pays 60% - I genuinely don't know if this is OK as I struggle with numbers massively.

Your total gross is £94k and he earns (54/94) = 57.4% of the total. So his 60% is even a little bit more than his proportional "fair share".

If you don't have student loans then your net monthly pay might be £2800 and his would be £3500. So £6300 in total, of which he makes (3500/6300) = 55.6%. Again, a bit less than the proportion he is paying.

Obviously there are huge issues in your relationship that PP have covered better than I could, but if it's any small comfort, he isn't abusing you financially with this arrangement. I wish you strength with the rest. 🙏

@samarrange

Your maths might be way off if the DC expenses that the OP pays are on top of everything else she pays.

start playing smart - get things in writing e.g a text saying ‘I’ve been watching a documentary about houses. I gave you x£ deposit from my flat for the house, we were meant to add my name to the deeds and haven’t so let’s do that - who’s making the appt?’

If he doesn’t reply saying no we didn’t, you have some basic evidence. It’s better than nothing.

Start my getting copies of every bit of paperwork you can find.

label your direct debits, any payments to him etc.

I can’t add anything else to the excellent advice you’ve been given, but you are absolutely doing the RIGHT THING.
Hold onto that.

Keep calm. Make a list. Contact WA and see a solicitor.

Ask the solicitor if issuing a Non Molestation Order would be a good idea too. You REALLY don’t want him contacting you after you’ve left.

Good luck. The MN Vipers have your back 😉

Talk to a solicitor about establishing your beneficial interest in the property. If you've paid money in as the deposit and on renovations, you should be able to do that.

Don't be sorry, it was crystal clear from your post - you refer to DP.

True. I was assuming that their arrangement covered all bills, so I just wanted to try and help with the specific paragraph where OP doesn't seem confident about the reported numbers. 🙏

When he bought the house did the solicitors ask for proof of where the funds came from? Normally when a gift is given they’ll make the giver sign something to say that they have no financial interest in the property going forward. Did you sign anything to this effect?

Absolutely bizarre that he doesn't pay any of your child's expenses.

Not uncommon amongst these sorts of blokes, but it just mystifies me how some men apparently think children are entirely the mother's responsibility. 😬

The MN Vipers have your back 😉

We bloody well do!

Stay strong and keep us in the loop xxx

Women have left similar men with absolutely nothing and equally terrified, you have a good job and us in your corner. You can do this.

You are not a fool. It’s taken me a lot longer than you to notice a very similar pattern. Well done.

Hes a hands on dad now but my very strong prediction is that when DC becomes less like a status symbol (look at what a fab dad I am) and the work of being a parent to a child who knows their own mind and parenting is less visible he will withdraw from that role or turn his negative behavioural patterns on them. That has been my experience.

Get some legal advice. ChatGPT is a good starting point and then you could get your free half hour consultation to check it out and that won’t cost anything initially. You could even get chatgpt to do a legal letter. It’s not as good and you’d have to double check it but it could be enough.

Don’t act until you have all your ducks in a row and you’ve got all your information and a clear plan. Women’s Aid are great at this stuff. If he’s tech savvy and has any access to your passwords or tech be very careful he’s not monitoring. If he’s got a whiff of you angling to leave he might be monitoring you.

Good luck. Start listening to Dr Ramani on You Tube. If he’s lovely at times and lovely to others he might have covert, vulnerable or communal narcissistic personality style. I hear you. I get it. Be safe. I’m so glad you’ve spotted this early. I wish I had.

You’d have a claim on the house for sure but becoming embroiled in a legal battle will keep you very emotionally focussed on him and in contact with him when it sounds like you very much deserve a fresh start with no contact.

The post about contacting Women‘s Aid sounds like the best route for sure.

I’m so sorry you are living like this x

Dear "Desperatelystuck", my heart sank reading your message. I read some of the replies and whilst people have given you good advice and with obvious great intentions, I would like to add something because I have a lot of experience with similar situations.
Firstly, if you are safe in the house, no indication that he might intend harming you physically, please slow down.
What you describe as your personal struggles, strike me as markers of someone who carries developmental trauma (I did too and during my healing process I trained in helping people healing this). The reason I am mentioning this is that people who are traumatised are easy victims for abusers, they can sense it from a mile. It is not your fault, you haven't done anything wrong, your survival mechanisms and adaptations you developed over the years prevent you from protecting yourself and sensing dangerous people. The good news is that with some good support you can heal and you can thrive. I am happy to have a conversation with you if you would like that and point you to some resources. Until I can offer more, I wish for you to try practicing self compassion and to trust that you will find your way through this if you are ready to make a change, both for your sake and that of your child.
Now on a more practical level I offer the following for you to consider because years ago I was in very similar situations (I was tempted to ask for your partner's name as it resembles so much my abusive ex):

• As I said above, if you are safe, and check that very carefully, slow down and put your things in order;
• Make sure your phone is secure, if you have joint accounts separate them, use own passwords and keep it safe. Equally if you use the home internet wifi and partner is tech savy, he can see everything you access so as much as possible create your safe systems (outside of the house if possible)
• Get organised - I know it is harder said than done, that is why I suggested getting the support of a therapist first so you can regulate your nervous system and be able to take steps with clear mind
• Gather any paper trail of all your investments in the house
• Record and keep evidence of any abusive and coercive behaviour; keep a diary, dates times. If possible and safe to do so record him when he is being abusive. VERY IMPORTANT do not do that if he can see it, abusers can escalate when confronted.
• If at all possible, and without being very confrontational, perhaps you can find a way to stop paying bills so you can save your money for relocation. If possible have a conversation and explain calmly that as he did not keep his promise to put your name on the deed and you have invested such large sums in his house you have to rebuild your savings. If possible to put this in writing would be perfect in case he confirms.
• Of course seek legal advice but try and do that discreetly to start with
• I hope you find good legal support, in my case we were married and I was supporting him, the courts didn't help and the police made things a lot worse (I can detail more if needed) I left everything behind because I believed I would end up a statistic, killed by a psychopath after which the police would "learn lessons"
• The reasons I am telling you this is that I believe you might not get the right support if you run to police or women aid without supporting evidence. the more you have, the clearer you can present your case the easier it would be.
• Of course, if you feel you are in danger, forget all of the above, get yourself to safety and file a police report. As you said, abusers can be very charming to the exterior world so having evidence is crucial.
• If you are safe try and keep things as amicable as possible until you have a clear plan.

I wish you all the best, I hope you get out of this and rebuild your life and seek the right support so that you can experience a truly joyful life, it is possible. If you wish me to expand on any point or want to have a conversation I am happy for you to make contact; I hope that is possible I am new here and not sure about all the rules. Sending you love, Meg

Stop beating yourself up over mistakenly trusting this man. You are a victim in this situation.

There is good news in that you now clearly see what he is and aren’t going to put up with it any longer. You’re in for a tough year, but just imagine where you could be by Christmas. Well away from him and building a new life for you and your child. Get your plans in order, collect any evidence you can, and get out. I’d have a solicitor letter ready to leave for him when you move out. Don’t tell him you’re going, just move out when he’s not there.

There's been such great advise on here OP. Please remember that you're not alone in this now. We're all routing for you.
You can be away from him & have a happy life with your child. But you have to be brave and make that first step. I think yours will be calling your mum to tell her whats been happening & arrange a safe place for you and your little one. Then you wait untill hes out, get all your stuff/paperwork together and leave.
Please get as much evidence together for your solicitor as you can. All receipts for the kitchen etc.
Good luck to you. I really feel much brighter days will come for you.

OP, I really feel for you. I helped my friend deal with a situation like this, but in her case, she was the one who owned the house solely in her name and her abusive partner attempted to put a restriction on her property when she tried to sell it, claiming that he had a beneficial interest in it. He didn't - he paid not one bean towards it or to any bills - but you genuinely DO have a case.

I don't know if this is useful, but I have copied and pasted below some extracts from our correspondence, just to give you an idea of the legal arguments. This part below is the response my friend's solicitor sent to her partner's solicitor:

"We are instructed to oppose the Application and for the reasons set out below we believe that the Application has no prospect of success.

1. Your client made no direct contributions to the purchase price of the property or towards any mortgage payments. Accordingly your client has no grounds for establishing a beneficial interest in the property. (OP you, on the other hand, DID make direct contributions and can prove it)
2. There was never any intention between our respective clients that your client was to ever enjoy any beneficial interest in the same. The burden of proof rests with your client to establish that there was (Stack v Dowden). We say that your client will be unable to meet that burden for the following reasons:-

a) My client and your client never made any agreement that he would have a beneficial interest in the Property.
b) My client never made any representations to your client that he would have a beneficial interest in the Property (Your partner DID make representations to you. That he would put you on the deeds)

If, which is denied, your client is able to establish some form of agreement, there is no basis upon which a beneficial share in favour of your client will be able to be inferred or imputed because:-

a) your client, as above made no contributions to the purchase price of the Property; (you did)
b) your client made no contributions to the day to day household expenses of the Property (you did)
c) your client did not act to his detriment in residing at the Property with my client, and we understand that your client has retained his tenancy and reversionary interest in possession of his property in [name of town].

OP - re: point c) above, you could argue that you DID act to your detriment. To prove this you would need to demonstrate that you:

• made financial or non-financial contributions to the property (e.g., deposit, mortgage payments, renovations, or significant upkeep).
• relied on a promise or understanding that you would have an interest in the property.
• this reliance caused you to act in a way that led to some form of loss, harm, or disadvantage (detriment), such as giving up alternative accommodation, sacrificing savings, or taking on financial burdens.

From what you've written, I think you could demonstrate all of these.

In my friend's situation she was selling her house, so the process is slightly different. But even if your partner is not selling, you can still use the legal system (via a TOLATA claim as other PPs have mentioned) to establish a beneficial interest, and this would be legally binding for when they did come to sell it, or the court can force a sale, or determine compensation.

It's a tough road, but I really believe you are entitled to a share in that house after everything you've been through, paid for and sacrificed. If you have the stomach for it, it would definitely be worth investigating. Really good luck with it all. You deserve to be happy, never forget that.

How are you doing @Desperatelystuck ?

Thinking of you