I've been a fool. I'm stuck and I need advice :-(

[Desperatelystuck]

NC for this.

Please be gentle I'm extremely fragile over this situation atm and understand I look foolish to anyone reading. I'll try and keep it as short as I can.

Been with P for 7 years, have DC - toddler.

I am in an abusive relationship and I only faced facts the year my toddler was born, that it was emotional, coercive and financial abuse (told me he would leave if I gave him money, I did, and he didnt leave). I can't go into detail or this would go on forever. I have very low self esteem and thought we had a relatively happy relationship prior to DC because I was so blinded by the good, when it was good. I quickly buried my head about the bad and accepted that I had made him act the way he did etc.

I used to own my home before DC, P lived with a friend and was a first time buyer and was able to find a "do-er upper" with a garden etc, and was accepted to buy with a low deposit. I gave them half of the deposit and lawyers fees to do this.
I then sold my flat (tenement was owned by social housing and they refused to contribute to repairs badly needed on the building) I felt I had no choice but to sell asap before it got worse. The proceeds of my sale went to Ps house renovations and I also pay for all bills, apart from mortgage & council tax. The promise was that my name would also go on the house. That hasn't happened. He dangles this over my head.

He earns £52k + and I earn £42k. He said the fairest way to split bills was that I pay 40% and he pays 60% - I genuinely don't know if this is OK as I struggle with numbers massively.

The problem is he is a relentless bully, I can't take the absolute lies and verbal abuse he gives me. He is narcistic and never takes the blame for anything and will down right lie his way out of anything he is challeneged about. The worst is, people on the outside would be shocked if they even scratched the surface as he appears this really likable guy to everyone else. I tried to leave him before and was successful but the situation wasn't ideal, I was living in my mums with a small child and barely a thing of my own, and was an absolute nervous wreck due to his intimidating behaviour and constant verbal abuse about everything I done, I didn't react to any of this and kept as calm and composed as possible at all times. He eventually calmed down and started (which I now know as) "love bombing" me. I genuinely thought he'd changed. And I genuinely thought this could work and would be best for DC to have us all live together and a new start.

Clearly I'm posting here because a leopard never changes its spots.

Any time there's an argument he tells me to "fuck off out" "it's his house" "I pay for nothing" (the bills mentioned above equate to £1400 and I pay for all DC expenses as well as household products etc) he has such a sense of entitlement and takes everything I do for granted (I work FT and do every bit of housework and DIY). He is a hands on dad and I tried to settle with this to justify to myself that this is all ok and as long as he's a good dad I can put up with the rest for my DC.

I don't have much in the way of savings as the house has had constant renovations, and I know for a fact he'd do everything in his power to not pay me a penny in CMS.

FWIW I could genuinely spew looking at what I am about to post, I can't believe this is my life and I desperately need some help/advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has any advice as to what I could do from here. I am already beating myself up as I feel I have failed my DC from being in this situation and I know how financially stupid I have been. I feel like I can't tell my parents due to the shame and embarrassment of this and I wouldn't know where to begin in telling a friend.

Posted in AIBU for traffic.

Go to a solicitor. Bring all the documentation you have showing your contribution to the house, including the DD contract for the kitchen.

Do not cancel the kitchen contract or DD agreement.

If your name is on any utility bills, you can get your name off those.
If you pay for subscriptions, you can also take your name off those.

You need solid legal advice.

Move out to your mum's. Take with you everything you personally own.
Tell him he's on the hook for the utilities and subscriptions you've taken your name off after you've moved. He can then pay whatever household expenses you've been paying.

I suspect since you pay for the childcare that you're paying a good deal more than the 40% he says you're paying.

Charge him child support when you are safely away.

YYY

You should take the car with you. The kitchen will have to be paid off.

Agree with other PP re money. Just want to add that the "good Dad" thing may not be all it seems. I have a friend who used to describe her ex as a "good Dad". - it was actually all part of the control. As the kids grew up, he completely manipulated them, and with one child in particular, the poor lad will do anything for a morsel of attention from his Dad, and has managed to control all his money (i.e takes it off him and spends it himself). The (now adult) child can't see it, refuses to speak to his mother, still worships his Dad.

I assume you could put in a slim to small claims court to get your deposit back ?

I would suggest speaking to these for advice
Womens Aid
Citizen advice bureau
Non emergency police

Go to your DMums

Do not put any mote money into a property that you do not own

I have heard that you can put a note onto the land registry to sat that you have an interest

However due to not being married & gifting the deposit, you may not have many rights

May be better to leave & start a new life from the beginning again

Also claim child maintenance through official channels

From someone who has experienced domestic abuse, I want to say, sorry that you are in this situation.

Material things don't matter, your sanity/wellbeing does. Leave and stay with your family, make yourself strong again and teach your child the most simple lesson in life. You can be happy.

Yes, talk to a solicitor. If you have bank statements showing your contribution you can try to get something back. I had contributed to my ex's home for 20 years, and got nothing, but I don't care because I'm free from his chains.

Try to think about what matters most to you. And believe in yourself x

I’m sure they would be more than delighted to get involved in this and see it as a challenge to sort out!
Most Dads love resolving issues for their daughters, especially ones as kind as you

You've been given great advice, OP. The only thing I would add is this: stop beating yourself up.
You got this, you'll raise over this situation and you'll arrive at the other side wiser and stronger. Onward and upward 💐

You ve had good advice here but you need to do things in the right order. Which is this -

Play detective. Get as much paperwork together as you can of ALL assets and expenses, what you paid for . Bank statements, credit agreements. Take photos or screen shots . Say NOTHING to your partner, act normal or nicer than normal, keep him sweet.

See a solicitor, listen to their advice on money and your child and act on it. TELL NO ONE .

Look for more paperwork at home, don’t raise your partners suspicions. Be extra nice, encourage him to go out to the pub to give you time to search.

Start to make your plans to move out. Only tell those you trust 100% to tell no one else.

Do as much as you can in Adancve eg bank accounts, lists of who to contact. Move out of season clothes or spare toys to your mums, if you can do this without him noticing . Maybe clear out cupboards “ for the charity shop “.

Find out if you can take the car if your name is on it . If not you ned to cancel the insurance etc

Then when you are completely ready to move out - tell him.

Do all this first . If he gets an inkling of what you are doing he can throw you out of the house without any notice, as he owns it.

Once you are out , you can start negotiating over money and agree his access to your child. Once thats all sorted , you can then decide if you want to go to the police about his controlling behaviour.

The most important thing now is to make your plans to get out and start a new life away from him.

Please talk to a solicitor about whether you have a 'constructive trust' - its a beneficial interest (as in a share) of house because you have contributed to the purchase and maintenance/renovation of it and you thought that you would be getting a share. I think you might have a good case.

OP - you and your DC deserve a million times better than this man. You have some great advice here. Good luck x

Keep a diary of all abusive behaviour and make sure you have copies or photos of all legal/financial paperwork in case any of it disappears. If your child has a passport, put it somewhere safe out of the house.

Don’t take any action without legal advice.

Book an initial appointment with a family law solicitor, they will be able to tell you what rights you have and how to proceed.

Talk to your mum, you're going to need her. Speak with Womens Aid, they are amazing & knowledgeable. If you can gather any paperwork, passports, birth certificates etc and keep them safe at your mums house.

I'd like to thank u all very very much for every bit of info u have given me. It took a lot for me to post this and I was ready for a thorough bashing due to my stupidity. I used to wonder how others ended up in these situations, yet here I am.
I have taken on every bit of advice and have a good idea how to proceed.
Thank thank u all enough for ur kindness, it made me cry numerous times xxx

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. To get to this point, after many years of enduring abuse, your gut feeling is screaming for change.

1. you need a calm, safe and supportive place to be
2. It is lonelier in a bad/abusive relationship than on your own
3. move out and live with you family (if that is an option) or rent a place, journal each day. With time, your life will improve hugely. Living with an angry, unreasonable, unfair, unkind man is not what you deserve. You deserve peace, calm fairness, love… that is already within you.
4. You are strong and need to protect your wellbeing and that of your child. Plan quietly an exit strategy and leave. The lawyer and the rest comes after this. Your wellbeing is paramount. Sending you a hug from someone who was there many years back… who got out and went on to live a happier life.

I dont want to go into too much detail but I have been where you are. The pain, the head fucks, the comeplete gut wrenching despair. The feeling your whole life is over and what is the point?

NOTHING is worth this! Contact Womens Aid, pack a bag and go back to your parents. Start court proceedings and sell the house to get your money out. Do not stay here. DO NOT let him steal more years from you.

I guarantee you are far more capable, wonderful, beautiful then you can imagine.

I had to leave mine too. With nothing. Suicidal. I was the breadwinner and the 'fun and fabulous' one and he was a horrible abusive convict and when i left i thought i would die. Its an addiction. As i came through it it was like a fog had cleared. It was HARD but suddenly 9 months in I could breathe and couldnt believe what i had tolerated. How much I had cried over leaving.

You are a wonderful mother. Get out. Life is waiting for you

Sorry you’re in this position.

It would definitely be worth seeking legal advice before you leave, as long as you’re not in danger, because I suspect you can prove that you have ‘acquired an interest’ in the property by contributing to the deposit, mortgage and home improvements and you may also be able to show that there was a shared intention that you would have a share and you have relied on it to your disadvantage - a solicitor can advise on what proof is needed for this second point.

Not it's not a small positive!!! It's a calculated move by him.

Your child is being permanently damaged each and every day. Is that not reason enough to get out of there by any means necessary?

As others have said get legal advice. As well as any potential claim on the house due to your deposit, if the contract for the kitchen is in your name and you are paying then it is your kitchen not his. You may be entitled to sell it or require him to buy it off you if he wants to keep it.

Do you have it written down anywhere about putting you on the deeds if you gave him money ie text or email?

Ring the dv line ASAP. Explain it to them.
Talk to your mum and surround yourself with those with the best interests of your c and you.
Call police and explain and ask for email of local Bobby who is your patch so to speak. So I've email address of my local Bobby then forward all communication from soon to be ex, now on in. So the police can have a word if it gets worse.
Run for the hills and no contact apart from to sell house and go to solicitor for that.
Explain your worried for c safety to a family lawyer who will advise next steps and say you'd like supervised contact by him untill court as mediation will probably say something like that.
If mum isn't an option go to a refuge.
Please go soon asap or ask police to remove him and change locks but I think at this stage your not strong enough for that from what you wrote.
Or is someone like a brother able to move in with you until he gets the idea.

When in a relationship with someone who chooses to be abusive it drags you down, decisions made are often to keep ourselves safe not in the long run the right decisions but it’s what is best at that moment for us in that situation

please do not punish yourself about past decisions they are done

an abusive parent and NEVER a good parent to their child/children

please get away if you can go to your mums with your dc, give yourself some space to think and get legal advice

and don’t try to reason with him you can’t he is unreasonable and selfish and an abuser he will promise you everything but you know it’s a lie keep telling yourself that

if you gave him money for deposit and legal fees did you sign to say you would have no interest in the house?

Do you claim child benefit @Desperatelystuck if not start that claim immediately, and get it put into a whole new bank account - it’s not a huge amount but it’s something you can keep completely separate!