I've been a fool. I'm stuck and I need advice :-(

[Desperatelystuck]

NC for this.

Please be gentle I'm extremely fragile over this situation atm and understand I look foolish to anyone reading. I'll try and keep it as short as I can.

Been with P for 7 years, have DC - toddler.

I am in an abusive relationship and I only faced facts the year my toddler was born, that it was emotional, coercive and financial abuse (told me he would leave if I gave him money, I did, and he didnt leave). I can't go into detail or this would go on forever. I have very low self esteem and thought we had a relatively happy relationship prior to DC because I was so blinded by the good, when it was good. I quickly buried my head about the bad and accepted that I had made him act the way he did etc.

I used to own my home before DC, P lived with a friend and was a first time buyer and was able to find a "do-er upper" with a garden etc, and was accepted to buy with a low deposit. I gave them half of the deposit and lawyers fees to do this.
I then sold my flat (tenement was owned by social housing and they refused to contribute to repairs badly needed on the building) I felt I had no choice but to sell asap before it got worse. The proceeds of my sale went to Ps house renovations and I also pay for all bills, apart from mortgage & council tax. The promise was that my name would also go on the house. That hasn't happened. He dangles this over my head.

He earns £52k + and I earn £42k. He said the fairest way to split bills was that I pay 40% and he pays 60% - I genuinely don't know if this is OK as I struggle with numbers massively.

The problem is he is a relentless bully, I can't take the absolute lies and verbal abuse he gives me. He is narcistic and never takes the blame for anything and will down right lie his way out of anything he is challeneged about. The worst is, people on the outside would be shocked if they even scratched the surface as he appears this really likable guy to everyone else. I tried to leave him before and was successful but the situation wasn't ideal, I was living in my mums with a small child and barely a thing of my own, and was an absolute nervous wreck due to his intimidating behaviour and constant verbal abuse about everything I done, I didn't react to any of this and kept as calm and composed as possible at all times. He eventually calmed down and started (which I now know as) "love bombing" me. I genuinely thought he'd changed. And I genuinely thought this could work and would be best for DC to have us all live together and a new start.

Clearly I'm posting here because a leopard never changes its spots.

Any time there's an argument he tells me to "fuck off out" "it's his house" "I pay for nothing" (the bills mentioned above equate to £1400 and I pay for all DC expenses as well as household products etc) he has such a sense of entitlement and takes everything I do for granted (I work FT and do every bit of housework and DIY). He is a hands on dad and I tried to settle with this to justify to myself that this is all ok and as long as he's a good dad I can put up with the rest for my DC.

I don't have much in the way of savings as the house has had constant renovations, and I know for a fact he'd do everything in his power to not pay me a penny in CMS.

FWIW I could genuinely spew looking at what I am about to post, I can't believe this is my life and I desperately need some help/advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation or has any advice as to what I could do from here. I am already beating myself up as I feel I have failed my DC from being in this situation and I know how financially stupid I have been. I feel like I can't tell my parents due to the shame and embarrassment of this and I wouldn't know where to begin in telling a friend.

Posted in AIBU for traffic.

Yes, this is when he hits out with "that will be right, what have ubpaid for? NOTHING! u pay for f*ck all"

Now CLEARLY this is untrue. He knows this and I know this, my bank can prove this. But this is the absolute crap I have to listen to. It must be some kind of abuse I don't know what you'd call it?

Go to your mums. Cancel any further payments to him or towards the house. Set up one new email address for him to contact you on and any contact should be only about your child.

You’ve put money into a house which doesn’t have your name on it. You might stand a chance of getting something back as the kitchen contract is in your name, but tbh he sounds the type to drag it out through the courts and ultimately it’ll cost you more in the long run. If it were me I’d write the money off as a very expensive mistake and learn from it.

You earn a decent salary and will have £1400 a month spare once you’re at your parents which will allow you to save very quickly for a rental deposit.

In 6 months time your life, and that of your DC, could look amazing compared to how it is now.

You need to get advice from a family law solicitor who specialises in TOLATA claims to see whether you can make a claim to part ownership of the house. 💐

OP there was a recent thread where a woman not married to her partner was being kicked out of the house owned by him because he'd fallen for a romance scam.

People there kept mentioning something called 'proprietary estoppel', which apparently means that even if you haven't helped buy a house, you may be able to establish a claim on it if you have contributed to repairs and maintenance. If that is the case, then your 25,000 GBP surely must mean something?

I don't want to give you false hope, and the most important thing is that you walk away from this shitbag, with your child. The money is secondary. But I do hope you find a lawyer who helps you fight him to get it back. What an absolute arsewipe.

Sit down quietly, just you, and make some lists

A list explaining ALL the abusive and coercive things he's done to you. This will be useful when you go to the police

A list detailing all the money you have spent on the house with receipts or equivalent entries on your bank statement/account. If you don't have proof , add the spend to the list anyway. This will be useful when you see the solicitor

Get proof, if you can, of what your partner earns and of his savings and investments

Take the proof with you when you leave the house, plus all your and your child's important documents

Speak to your boss and tell them what's happening

Speak to your Mum and friends and tell them

Ring Women's Aid and ask for their help

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Leave your horrible partner and never see him again without another adult present

You can do this. You really can

Thank u, I agree and this is a plan.

I think I feel mostly let down at my own stupid actions and accepting something I knew was wrong. I was a homeowner since my early 20s, at least I always had that. The uncertainty of rentals n stuff is all new to me and makes me feel sick I case I have nothing for my child to inherit.
I suppose I'm used to hard work and I am very independent, I could try really hard to get back on the property ladder one day, but of course this isn't the main issue.

Thank u so much this is really useful.

I genuinely didn't expect so much kindness x

How much do you owe on the kitchen still??
I know it's not ideal but before you get too bogged down in money owed ask yourself if £25k is worth this amount of stress and pain in your life.
Personally I would move out - rent or back into your mums - you pay £1400 towards household expenses but that seems excessive for 3 people unless he is including a mortgage in those expenses.
Rent in a 1 or 2 bed flat in most places apart from big cities is probably £800-1000pcm. You may be entitled to some universal credit towards childcare.... basically work out if you can live without your 25k and any child maintenance... Work on bate minimum and anything else is a bonus.
Re the kitchen if you paid for it or are paying for it bloody take the doors off their hinges and take them with you, take the white goods if they are part of the package. Even if you have to take a few days off work and arrange one big move out with help while he is at work.

This. It’s a bad situation but won’t get any better. Leave and don’t look back. Go to Citizens Advice Bureau for financial advice. I would rather be safe with my children and have nothing than put up with this loser who has zero love and respect for you.

Really appreciate this feedback, u are correct in everything u say. There must still be a couple of thousand left on the kitchen, I am yet to sit down and get this all down on paper, my heads been a mess.

Yeah it does seem excessive but that's also including an expensive car (he won't drive just anything) and some extras that come with a reno like paying off some larger furniture etc, they all come from my account.

I sadly feel that it will more or less be a £25k lesson learned for me tbh.

I know I can do this I feel a lot better just by the responses on here. Thank u x

Agree.
You just need to get away in this scenario.
Contact Women's Aid, back up any evidence of his abuse.
Get your financial docs - and his copied.
Be very glad you aren't married and earn a decent amount.
Hope you're OK. You can do this. X

Don't give up on your money so easily! When you talk to a solicitor get a letter drawn up to him demanding repayment of what you have invested in the house- deposit, kitchen, furniture, etc and state that if the monies are not repaid then court proceedings will issue, as will a complaint of fraud and theft to the police.
At least try to get it back. It is key for your kids. Plus having a claim/dispute on the house could impact its future sale so remind him of that.

Thank u so much. I was really scared to post on here because I feared a backlash of doing all of this but not being married, in your opinion do u think it's better that I'm not married?

OP please don’t blame yourself. That’s exactly where your abuser wants you to be.

You do need support to leave him and I would start with women’s aid or your local domestic abuse charity.

You also need legal advice and to confide in your parents.

Please don’t feel like you can’t start again away from him because you can. I’ve done it and thousands of others have. Your toddler needs you to be a fully functional parent and you will never be that in a relationship with this man.

This is a great idea I would be keen to see how he would react to this. Thank u x

I think it’s gone past trying to put wrongs right. There’s no point arguing who pays or paid for what and angry men can become violent quickly.
All previous advice here is spot on.
Good luck. Stay safe.

Definitely from a hassle point of view.

It's called gaslighting. I have been through a very similar situation. Yes you can sort this out legally through a solicitor. Go through women's aid. They will provide you with legal advice from professionals with plenty of experience in this area, as well as emotional support and advice on safe next steps for yourself and toddler. I wasn't married either, nor on deeds or mortgage. You will need to provide all your bank statements, especially those that provide evidence of transfer of 25k for down payment. For now carry on as normal until you speak to Women's Aid. Do not let him know your plans going forward.

Yes 25k is a lot of money but you can earn more, you've got a good salary.

The important thing is for and your DD to leave and be safe.

Some good advice above.

In the end the money doesn't really matter, not how people matter. Your DP is a miserable abusive piece of shit bullying his partner out of her life savings. No normal person could act like that. Be grateful you're not him, stuck in his head with his horrible greedy thoughts, working out how to take advantage of the one person who has supported him the most.

You're a good person, a good mum and you can rebuild your life.

You are entitled to a share of this house as you have put money into it - regardless of ownership. As someone mentioned previously, get some Legal Advice on a TOLATA claim. If you have evidence of putting the money into the house, even if it is just a bank transfer, you will get something back.

Also, please move out of the property with your child while you do this and as soon as he realises what you are doing, the abuse (and it is abuse, financial and verbal as a minimum) will get worse.

Look after yourself but do get as much legal help as you can.

Do you have a dad, brothers, male friends @Desperatelystuck ?

@Desperatelystuck - get your mail redirected to your mum’s house via the Royal Mail - there is a charge for this btw - especially important to do so if you’ve asked your bank for copies of backdated statements, any letters which may arrive from the Council, official legal or tax correspondence etc. and you dont want your soon to be ex getting hold of your personal mail.

I can’t post the exact link but do look at www.royalmail.com and search for ‘Redirection of Mail’.

Also it would be to your advantage to do the free online course “The Freedom Programme” for victims of domestic abuse:

www.thefreedomprogramme.co.uk (scroll down the page for information).

Sending you and your little one best wishes x
PS> You mentioned ‘tenement’ in your first post on this thread - are you in Scotland? I think the laws may be a little different there if so?

Don't just cancel the direct debits. If the car and kitchen are in your name you are liable for the debt and your credit rating will be affected.