To think DH should do the cooking?

[Thedownsideisup]

I work full time and earn a comfortable living. DH despite always working hard was in a low paid job which stressed him out and was affecting his health (diabetes and extremely high blood pressure). Once we paid off the mortgage we decided DH would stop working and be a househusband. I will need to work for another ten years until I can retire. We're in our 50s.

This was 6 months ago and things are going pretty well. DH does pretty much all the housework. I do my own laundry and prepare my own food and he does his. He has very easy things that I don't like such as vegetarian sausages on white rolls or frozen pizza. But I think he should cook healthy meals for both of us.

I'm not asking for anything fancy or every night but maybe twice a week. Things like cottage pie or spag bol with lots of veg would be fine. He doesn't want to. At the moment I'm eating mostly junk also because although I could cook myself I would have to work around him while he faffs about preparing his own food in the kitchen and he's always in the way and it's frustrating. I don't think I should have to. AIBU?

Before he stopped work we agreed he would do all housework and cook twice a week (ideally he'd cook more than that but I negotiated twice a week. He has done the former (i.e. the housework) but not the latter.

I mean if it was part of the agreement then yes he should do it. If he's sitting at home all day doing only housework and nothing else, he's not soft is he!

I think it's perfectly fair he does the cooking. When I was an SAHM I did all the cooking and all the laundry. Dinner every night. Of course, if the DC were difficult, I might not but generally I would.

I have noticed that when men stay at home or retire, they do far less than women.

Also, if he's diabetic, he shouldn't be eating frozen pizza!
Yeah, I would not be happy if I worked full time and came home to junk.

Unless I’ve misunderstood he is cooking but just not cooking what you want

A sausage butty or frozen pizza isn't cooking.

Presumably his health has improved a bit since he stopped working

At 50-something he's far too young to be basically retired and IMO should be looking to doing some paid work. At the very least he should also be cooking some healthy meals for you.

I assume you have children as just 2 adults surely can’t generate enough mess and domestic jobs to justify a house-husband who doesn’t cook.

I actually don’t get why he isn’t doing your laundry.

Why isn't he doing your laundry?

I have done pretty much all of the cooking since DH and I moved in together 23 years ago. I have worked during that time, but only part time, and I’ve had a lot of time as a full time parent. I’d be furious if I was working full time and supporting someone who wasn’t working and they didn’t cook for me. You’re supposed to be a team, not one person working their bum off so the other can be lazy.

Not eating high carb ultra processed stuff would help his diabetes at least as much as giving up work. he needs to learn to cook better for both of you

So basically you are paying all bills, including the pizza and sausage butty bills and he runs a hoover round the house a couple of times a week.
Most women (I’m guessing) would be embarrassed if they were in his situation and not cooking, doing laundry, generally helping out.

I missed the point about the laundry. I do all the laundry too. Unless he is disabled and actually unable to do these things he should be doing them. Otherwise he’s not actually contributing anything to your shared life. You might be better off without him.

So many of my friends have burnt out husbands who took sabbaticals or time off for their health. All well and good.
But then they did absolutely nothing around the house and ignored the children.
DH himself took a sabbatical and it was a very hard time for me. He didn't do nothing, but he definitely didn't do enough. We both agreed he is better working full time.

DH got made redundant at 48 and was thinking of retiring. He didn’t in the end as he needed to get out and be busy. However, in the 8 months he was at home, he did everything. Cooking, all laundry, cleaning, school runs. I had nothing to do. Apart from the shopping because he’d have come home with 2 bags of mince and some biscuits. I think your DH is taking advantage a bit. What does he do all day? I would sit down with him and agree a new set of terms because these aren’t really working. Maybe meal plan for the week, things he feels he’s capable of cooking.

Does your dh look after any children or is it just housework for two?

I would expect a healthy meal if my dh was at home all day. What's his argument? Can he not cook or learn to?

So a (diabetic) house husband who doesn't do laundry or supply the household with healthy meals, instead eats carb laden diet and does what?

Next you'll be saying you do the cleaning at weekend

Yeah be is being unreasonable.

Your blood pressure is better now, the diabetes isn't... if you're not going to college to do a dietician course to learn how to live with diabetes then@ get a part time job if you're not being the house husband.

So even though your salary is funding a househusband, you personally still do all your own laundry and cooking? So he doesn't do anything specifically to help you? Just generic shared household stuff?

That's not how it works right? He should he doing the bulk of all laundry, food shopping, meal preps and housework that all fall due during your working hours, then on the time off you both share, you both just do the maintenance tasks to keep the house in basic order.

As he is not working & you are working full time then yes, he should he cooking for you coming home. (& i say this as a sahm who finds cooking dinner for everyone every night the bane of my life as also have to sort pack lunches and have snacks etc there for us all & do all the shopping so it drives me demented)

He agreed to do it as part of him giving up work & as you are financially supporting the household full time he needs to do all of the other house stuff “full time” & cleaning and cooking are a part of that. Not just once a week but he should be (getting the shopping too) cooking it most nights and “easy dinners” a couple of times a week maybe weekend so you can both spend time together when “off” he is being very selfish

You know it would be cheaper for you to be single right? All he does that you would need to pick up, if you lived alone, is something you could pay a cleaner £50 a week to do for you (and they'd probably include laundry in that!)

I think he should cook at least some of the time but you shouldn't be dictating what he makes. Also a frozen pizza is fine every now and then. Veggie sausages are mostly vile though.
What is he spending his days doing? Is he productive or stuck in a bored rut?

My DH works full time in a stressful job and does all the cooking and shopping (his choice). He also does loads of the family admin.

I do drops offs and clubs and all other childcare and mental load of children etc and also work full time.

we both feel it's fair but I feel lucky to not have to cook as well as work and do kid stuff as think it would push me over the edge

If a SAHM does it, whilst iudggling kids, damn bloody right he should. What's his excuse for not doing it? You'd think he'd be a bit more grateful.

Diabetes UK has very good weekly meal plans with recipes. Download some of these and give them to him.

We don't have children. He does do all the dog walking though.

Thanks very much for all the replies. I didn't expect them to be so clearly in my side! In fairness, though:

1. I mostly work from home with usually only a day a week in the office.
2. He cleans for a couple of hours each weekday. He doesn't just push the hoover around. He's actually much more naturally domesticated than I am.
3. He also does all the driving and bill paying (I can drive and do when it's just me going somewhere but don't enjoy it).