To think DH should do the cooking?

[Thedownsideisup]

I work full time and earn a comfortable living. DH despite always working hard was in a low paid job which stressed him out and was affecting his health (diabetes and extremely high blood pressure). Once we paid off the mortgage we decided DH would stop working and be a househusband. I will need to work for another ten years until I can retire. We're in our 50s.

This was 6 months ago and things are going pretty well. DH does pretty much all the housework. I do my own laundry and prepare my own food and he does his. He has very easy things that I don't like such as vegetarian sausages on white rolls or frozen pizza. But I think he should cook healthy meals for both of us.

I'm not asking for anything fancy or every night but maybe twice a week. Things like cottage pie or spag bol with lots of veg would be fine. He doesn't want to. At the moment I'm eating mostly junk also because although I could cook myself I would have to work around him while he faffs about preparing his own food in the kitchen and he's always in the way and it's frustrating. I don't think I should have to. AIBU?

Before he stopped work we agreed he would do all housework and cook twice a week (ideally he'd cook more than that but I negotiated twice a week. He has done the former (i.e. the housework) but not the latter.

Weaponised incompetence works very well for men.

I’d be expecting him to cook decent meals every day that I was working. He doesn’t work so the domestic and household tasks are his role now. He has plenty of time.

@Lentilweaver I have no idea as both DH and I have always worked FT and done a decent job of sharing the load...except the cooking when he and Dd came to my overseas apartment for Christmas ("as they didn't know where anything was"...🤨).

Mine did the cooking every day - healthy dinners, calorie controlled at one point, and fancy stuff like cakes and pies

He just got on with <insert favourite search engine > and followed instructions

And it's not a case of want

Remind him how tight things might be if you decided you didn't want to work

Not unreasonable at all. I think your expectations were actually lower than would have been reasonable in the first place and he's not even meeting them. His role is house husband and that to most reasonable people includes planning and cooking proper meals.

He's acting like a teenager. Expecting someone else to pay for everything, taking no responsibility for his own health and trying to get out of his least favourite chores! Not an awful one given that he's doing cleaning but the bar should be a lot higher than 'not too bad teenager'.

At the moment he's cleaning toilets so I feel a bit guilty writing this

Why feel guilty about this? He clearly doesn't feel guilty doing housework only and expecting you to do (and fund) everything else!

Also, what does "paying the bills" even entail? Surely once something is set up on direct debit it takes very little effort to monitor. How many ad hoc bills are due that it's something you can excuse as a reason why he doesn't do anything to help you?

He's made a fantastic deal for himself (not so good for you) and he isn't even sticking to his end. Fuck that, time for a chat.

How much of your money is he spaffing up the walls on his own interests?

He doesn't spend much at all. He's a really good husband and my best friend but I think has just had a blind spot about cooking.

Anyway, I sent him a link to this thread. At first he made lots of excuses/explanations about how he hasn't been a househusband that long and we've been away and also I've had several dinners out with friends. He's now acknowledged that he should be cooking and admitted that he's felt nervous because he doesn't really know how. My very smart mum got him a beginners cookbook for Christmas complete with lots of step by step pictures and instructions. He has brought it to me and asked me to pick what I would like for dinner tomorrow night! So I will watch this space, but it seems things are going to change. Thank you very much once again- this thread has been a lot quicker and cheaper than marriage counselling!

This is a good update - and nice he was receptive

like I said my guess was he isn’t confident in cooking. Recipes and practice will def help….

I'm glad things are looking up!
Definitely recommend trying gousto or hello fresh as others have mentioned. Especially the gousto ones that say they take 10 mins (although I always allow 20!). It's not cheap but it takes a lot of the stress out having everything you need measured out and clear instructions / pictures. And it could be a nice confidence booster suddenly being able to cook really tasty food. We only do it occasionally now but some of the meals have made it into regular use and we've picked up a few tricks.

Great news OP and you should both get a health boost from this!

Maybe get DH to do a batch cook once a week to stock up your freezer with your own, healthy, freezer meals.

Until I read your post at 15.15, that was my thought - that he didn't feel confident with cooking.
Glad you have managed to resolve it.

If you want to help him, and by default, both of you long term, then why not see if he'd like you to be in the kitchen when he cooks things for the first time ?
Some people would feel put under pressure from that but others would appreciate being able to turn to someone and say "what does this mean?" (in a recipe) or "would it matter if I don't have any X, when the recipe says to put it in?" type questions. I think when I learn anything I've not done much of, I find it helpful to have someone to check things with without feeling I'm disturbing them.

That’s brilliant news. So nice to see something positive result from an AIBU thread.

Well done OP’s husband. You will be a brilliant cook once you get into it.

There are some meals that are quite low effort and not cooking per se but healthy. More putting together ingredients.

Also, maybe he can discover the fun in cooking, now he's retired. Things like making your own pizza dough and gorgeous wood-fired pizza etc., lots of men get into that and excel at it. The trick is to find what interests you and what you really fancy cooking.

When I was SAHM I did everything and cooking 5 days a week. DH did lunch and dinner on weekends to give me a break. I am part time now so on days off I cook. Other week days it depends on who is home first. DH still cooks at the weekend as he enjoys it.

Also, if his Outing Hobby is cycling or golf, or some other sport, you can improve your performance through cooking really healthy and nutritious meals, so another reason for him to be more enthusiastic about cooking.

He should be doing all the things
Cooking
Cleaning
Shopping
Washing

That's a really good update. Second the "Hello Fresh" options too - he can get the app, pick 3/4 meals a week and they arrive ready to cook from scratch with instructions cards. My own dh got way way more confident with cooking when we did a few months of these meals a few nights a week.

I live that update. Nice to see something turn out for the better. Hope he sticks to it.

If he doesn't want to cook healthy food, perhaps you don't want to pay for junk food.

I don't understand why your agreement was for him to only cook two nights a week. If he is a house husband I would expect him to do all the cooking and the laundry too. This with the housework still won't take nearly as much time as a full time job with a commute.

Why not take the argument away and do a healthy meal delivery or hello fresh type thing so he can learn?

Thanks for your update OP. To be fair I think he sounds lovely and clearly just needs a jot of confidence. And he's listened to you.