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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So bitter about mum

122 replies

Stars25 · 21/01/2025 22:31

I know this is terrible but the bitterness is eating me up inside. I and some close friends have lost a few good people over the last couple of years. People who’ve really been kind and lovely people. Meanwhile my mother is an ungrateful and mean woman who has brought no joy to anyone. All she can do is bitch and moan. She has never had any friends, insists she doesn’t need any and tells me she’s bored yet wont do anything to change this (ie volunteer, coffee morning etc) She moans about money, despite never working since she was 19/20 (she’s 64 this year). She’s literally had everything handed to her on a plate by my father who saved and worked hard all his life to provide for her. (He passed away 10 years ago but all she can do is moan about him). She has lived mortgage free all her life in the house he bought and all bills have been covered by his savings . Meanwhile I have worked hard, gone to uni, scrimped and saved to get a mortgage etc. Now I’m worried about my own old age (when will we have paid off the mortgage, will we have state pension, will my workplace pension be enough, I don’t earn enough to save lots into savings if at all) It makes me so bitter because everything I’ve got in life is through work. She moans about her life but all she does is use my dad’s money to buy several packs of cigarettes every week. She literally does nothing at all and I just get so angry that she’s wasting my dads hard earned money. I feel her life is such a waste and it’s making me so bitter because I wish she just wasn’t here anymore. She brings no joy to anyone and it’s so hard to see her. I’m an only child so have to bear all this alone. I also worry because my dads money will one day run out and she won’t get much, if any, state pension. I won’t be able to afford to help that’s for sure and I feel angry again that this should fall on me.

OP posts:
ChellyT · 22/01/2025 00:28

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the blood of the womb...

I'm sorry your life is quite miserable at the moment. Why is your mother still in your life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you going no contact with your mother so that you can find happiness in your life. Please consider yourself and your own happiness 🌸

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 22/01/2025 00:36

Your parents were married. It wasn't your dad's money- it was their money. Now it is her money alone. She may not have worked for a paycheck, but she obviously contributed her time and energy into raising you and keeping the house running. Stop seeing it as her spending your dad's money (or worse - that she is spending YOUR money) and let her get on with things.

If you don't enjoy her company then take a step back, but you are totally unreasonable to be wishing her dead just because she is spending her own money on what she wants.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2025 00:40

You despise her so don’t see her. Her finances, and they are hers, are none of your business. Hang on to this level of bitterness and you won’t end up a nice person either.

Lovelybitofsquirrel3 · 22/01/2025 00:45

I agree with you

HawkTUAHspitonthatthing · 22/01/2025 00:56

You could just cut her off, but i do think its really harsh of you to say you wish she wasnt here anymore. Thats not nice at all.

LozzaChops101 · 22/01/2025 01:12

Someone recommended Mel Robbins “Let Them” on a similar thread recently. I’ve only listened to a few chapters (which is probably enough), but I’ve found it helpful. It’s hard as the only child in this situation, you have no one to vent to and the bad feelings really snowball and wear you down. Just remember you’re the only one suffering from you getting annoyed about it, and it’s not worth that!

We are in very similar situations, my mother has long since alienated any family, and has a couple of “friends” that she avoids seeing. I do feel for you, it’s draining.

suburberphobe · 22/01/2025 01:14

Get some therapy to help you untangle this whole mess in your head.

I presume your mum worked hard doing the domestics and raising you....

If she wants to blow it all on cruising, that's her perogative (sp?).

As a 70-year-old I'm horrified how grown-up kids expect everything to still fall into their lap.

BiancasSilverCoat · 22/01/2025 01:17

We all can become that which we hate.

Allthatworkandwhatnow543 · 22/01/2025 01:23

Your mother may be a bitter person op but your post is not exactly full of light and positivity!

Why are you giving this so much attention? You have relative youth on your side. Why are you not talking to your mum about this?

I very much agree with pp that as your parents were married, in an age when quite a few women didn't work, it's her money and no one else's. Why not focus on making your own?

I'm sorry you find your mum difficult to be around but try and turn your concerns in to either action, eg going low contact, or gratitude eg I am lucky to still have a living relative.

Letsbe · 22/01/2025 01:28

I understand how you feel. She has made herself sad all her life which is a waste. Sometimes people do this. I would pity her for her way of living and celebrate your better attitude. It sounds like you are more like your dad.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/01/2025 01:28

Sounds like maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Your mother might not be a very nice person but you sound so bitter and resentful about the fact that you went to uni and now have a mortgage. Get over yourself ffs!

Fedupmumofadultsons · 22/01/2025 01:29

If you find your mum so awful fine don't talk to her and it's not your dad's money it' was there's now hers and she will get basic state pension if all else fails .you clearly are pissed off because you feel entitled to her money her house. Keep it ip and the rspca ir whoever will get a nice windfall x

LozzaChops101 · 22/01/2025 01:37

By the way OP I didn’t read into your post at all that you were counting the inheritance pennies disappearing. I read it that you’re frustrated that she has the means but not the will to make herself less miserable.

Allthatworkandwhatnow543 · 22/01/2025 01:48

LozzaChops101 · 22/01/2025 01:37

By the way OP I didn’t read into your post at all that you were counting the inheritance pennies disappearing. I read it that you’re frustrated that she has the means but not the will to make herself less miserable.

Op literally said that she is angry that her mum is wasting her “dad’s” hard earned money!

Honestly op, this is such a strange attitude.

Do you not think that a married person has the right to leave money to their own spouse?

Daisyblue2 · 22/01/2025 01:57

Wow, it seems you are very like your mother. With the addition that you are jealous of her. You need to take a hard look at yourself . Wishing you mother dead us disgusting i think you need some mental health help

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 02:13

Well obviously it was your father's wish to work and provide for you and your mother. I doubt he would begrudge her this now.

If all she's buying is few cigarettes, while I know they are ridiculously expensive, she could be plenty more extravagant!

What do you want her to do? I mean she's 64, and that's not old old, but for someone who hasn't worked in over 40 years she isn't suddenly going to become a productive part of the workforce?

On the other hand I am just over 2 years younger than she is, and I have worked full-time since I graduated at 22, and reared three children, so she definitely sounds lazy!

It was between her and your father though!

Meadowfinch · 22/01/2025 02:31

You do not have to 'bear this all alone'. Cut contact. Go NC.

She adds nothing to your life and is bringing you down so block her on all but one email address. Stop listening to her. Reduce visits to a short duty visit at Christmas and maybe one on her birthday.

Go out with your friends, throw your energy into your life and your planning for the future. Sort your own finances. Enjoy your life. Be like your dad. Don't wait around hoping for an inheritance, that won't get you anywhere. It is your choice.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2025 02:50

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured". (Mark Twain)

Go and get help for your deep-seated anxiety, and stop projecting it all onto your mother.

oakleaffy · 22/01/2025 03:49

Like mother, like daughter... the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

You will inherit OP when your mother passes away- unless she leaves it to someone else.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/01/2025 03:52

Going to uni and having to work is normal, not sure why you feel hard done by.

You’re quite angry and moany yourself. Maybe you’ve more in common than you think.

PP are right, seeing it as your dad’s money is odd.

andyourpointiswhat · 22/01/2025 04:05

You don’t sound like a particularly nice person yourself. You are resentful that your mother has had an easier life than yours and you clearly don’t like her so I guess you have a choice now as to how much you have her in your life. She might be quite happy to see less of you too.

beachcitygirl · 22/01/2025 04:12

It's not your dads money - they were married ~ it's their money. He is gone so it's her money. Get over it
Make your own life

RedHelenB · 22/01/2025 04:16

If she spends all her money you are not obliged to help her out financially.

Toomanysquishmallows · 22/01/2025 04:50

Op I really feel for you , I’m currently low contact with my mum , as I’m 51 and I have spent years trying to build a relationship with her and it just hasn’t happened.

Clarabell77 · 22/01/2025 04:52

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 22/01/2025 00:36

Your parents were married. It wasn't your dad's money- it was their money. Now it is her money alone. She may not have worked for a paycheck, but she obviously contributed her time and energy into raising you and keeping the house running. Stop seeing it as her spending your dad's money (or worse - that she is spending YOUR money) and let her get on with things.

If you don't enjoy her company then take a step back, but you are totally unreasonable to be wishing her dead just because she is spending her own money on what she wants.

This!