So bitter about mum

[Stars25]

I know this is terrible but the bitterness is eating me up inside. I and some close friends have lost a few good people over the last couple of years. People who’ve really been kind and lovely people. Meanwhile my mother is an ungrateful and mean woman who has brought no joy to anyone. All she can do is bitch and moan. She has never had any friends, insists she doesn’t need any and tells me she’s bored yet wont do anything to change this (ie volunteer, coffee morning etc) She moans about money, despite never working since she was 19/20 (she’s 64 this year). She’s literally had everything handed to her on a plate by my father who saved and worked hard all his life to provide for her. (He passed away 10 years ago but all she can do is moan about him). She has lived mortgage free all her life in the house he bought and all bills have been covered by his savings . Meanwhile I have worked hard, gone to uni, scrimped and saved to get a mortgage etc. Now I’m worried about my own old age (when will we have paid off the mortgage, will we have state pension, will my workplace pension be enough, I don’t earn enough to save lots into savings if at all) It makes me so bitter because everything I’ve got in life is through work. She moans about her life but all she does is use my dad’s money to buy several packs of cigarettes every week. She literally does nothing at all and I just get so angry that she’s wasting my dads hard earned money. I feel her life is such a waste and it’s making me so bitter because I wish she just wasn’t here anymore. She brings no joy to anyone and it’s so hard to see her. I’m an only child so have to bear all this alone. I also worry because my dads money will one day run out and she won’t get much, if any, state pension. I won’t be able to afford to help that’s for sure and I feel angry again that this should fall on me.

I voted YABU because you really don't have to have any relationship with her if you don't want to!

You don't like her (what's to like?), I doubt that you love her, she brings no pleasure in her company so why be in contact at all?

You say you feel bitter and angry - these emotions will be affecting you every day and you should try to deal with them. Can you ask your GP for a referral for therapy, get on a waiting list? And in the meantime read and listen to podcasts recommended on this thread. Try to move your energy and thoughts from your mum's life, to your own. What/who is bringing you joy? What would you like to change?
You were bereaved of your dad and then you say more recently some good people. What impact has that loss had on you? If it's made you think about your own mortality and given new perspective, how can you use that to make some positive changes in your life? You are grieving - again ask for help with this (Cruse Bereavement support).

It's fine to decide how much time to spend with your mum and to do what works for you. You can also set boundaries, for example you do not want her to speak negatively about your late father and you will leave if she does that.

Ask for a free initial consultation with a financial advisor to plan out your retirement funds- you'll feel more in control just knowing what you'll have. Your mum's finances are her business.

I would look at her like a mirror. She is showing you the impact of a life of bitterness and closing off to all opportunities. The choices you make, daily, will help you to choose a similar path or pave your own way. Acceptance, I believe, lies in understanding that you have grown up conditioned by this woman who you seem to despise so there is a choice to really see your conditioning and decide how you want to live. That would probably take counselling though as that isn't easy to see alone, and it takes far more than just being angry at this woman. Good luck, disentangling isn't easy and certainly is not for the faint hearted. It is your life tho, not hers.

I understand, OP!
I wish my (narcissist, abusive) 82 yo mother wasn't here anymore, either!
She expects "love" from me, something she knows nothing about, and at 45 I have fuck all to give to her.
Similar situation, another country, she lives in
a massive family apartment that was given to their generation by the Government for nothing,
at that time.
Just sits in my life and feels entitled to my time and energy.
Now that's one aspect I'm bitter about as well.
🍀

This . OP you can't control other people. I would take a step back. Focus on YOUR future .

Brilliant post 👏

"I and some close friends have lost a few good people over the last couple of years. People who’ve really been kind and lovely people"

I'm sorry for your losses. I know what you mean. When you've lost someone you care about, the fact that nasty bastards still live does feel wrong. It's a natural part of grief I think and previous posters going in with the savage "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" bitchy personal comments should think before they post.

You might want to start thinking about distancing yourself and making sure you don't get emotionally blackmailed into caring responsibilities. Also, you are not obligated or liable for any of her costs.

This is a stereotypically unnecessarily harsh, and completely unhelpful comment. Bravo 👍

You do you and let your Mother live her life the way she wants to

All of the negative energy that you're pouring in to this isn't healthy

If she's affecting you that much then go NC/LC

It's her money regardless of what you've achieved, concentrate on yourself and you'll find that you'll feel happier

It’s not your dad’s money, it’s hers. If she makes you so unhappy remove yourself from her life.

Yep well wishing your mother dead does feel wrong to some people too.

And I generally think quite a bit before I post thanks very much.

The apple from tree comments are not necessarily bitchy (my point was made about the op’s post actually, not about her personality) but were made in the hope that op could recognise the dangers of remaining bitter eg becoming like her mother herself if she cannot start to focus on other things.

But that’s a moot point as it doesn’t look like the op is coming back to respond anyway.

And I am beginning to think that mothers get it in the neck nowadays whatever they do! Of course some are abusive and lazy and not worthy of the name. Some are suffering from poor mh or just find it harder to function in the world. Many do the very best they can in very difficult circumstances. As ever, men tend to get away scot free!

Lots of assumptions being made on this thread - If the OPs mum had extended caring responsibilities or other commitments that meant she didn't do paid work in the 20+ years she won't have been raising children, I'm sure she would have mentioned it. Married money is joint money, but isn't it understandable to feel sad that one parent spent their life working, and the other did as they pleased and don't seem to realise how fucking lucky they are to not have to worry about money ever? (And yes, i know she lost her husband, but people who have been bereaved can also, still, separately, be self absorbed human beings with no self awareness)

Come on OP, that’s your mum. She might not be the kind of person you like but she raised you - presumably doing the majority of the care if she wasn’t working.

Unless a massive drip feed about abuse or something is coming, nothing in your post warrants wishing her dead.

My mother is an absolute nightmare too and is completely erratic and irresponsible and selfish and her learned helplessness is off the chart. But she is the only mother I have and it would take a lot more than that for me to wish her dead.

Agree

Sounds like she has depression tbh. You also sound jealous of her. Why? She seems to lead an unfulfilled life.
Just get on with your own life and stop making comparisons

I moved to another country!

Me and my mum get on well on the phone!

But not in person.

You can have your own life.

I struggle to understand how anyone could feel like this about the person who presumably nurtured you as a Child, even if she does have some character flaws. Assuming she was a good mum, looked after you, played with you, tucked you into a warm bed, wiped away your tears, kissed you better, taught you how to use a knife, fork and spoon, cooked for you.

Incredibly sad

Then you've had an extremely sheltered naive life.

Many mothers are horrendously abusive to their children.

I was just reading demi Moore- the actresses book.

She said that her mother let a man rape her when she was a teenager, for money.

She stopped speaking to her mother for most of her life.

My brother doesn't speak to my mother at all. As she beat him up so much when he was a child.

You're assuming she had the capacity to nurture. That is the common assumption made just because we have the capacity to get pregnant and have a baby. They don't follow hand in hand necessarily. I think that is what the OP is saying.

If you don't like her, take a step back from her.

But honestly, please have a look at yourself because you sound SO bitter and also it's NOT your dad's money, it was their money and presumably she was raising you while he was out earning.

just go no contact, or very low contact. You don’t owed her anything.

Far from it. Abuse would be quite the drip feed, my post is clearly based on the assumption there wasn't abuse, and as you rightly say where there is abuse its best to step away from that relationship. But to maintain one with such bitterness 🤷‍♀️

Some people are only as happy as they allow themselves to be, they actively enjoy being miserable, having someone to moan at.

Once this dawned on me things got a whole world easier. It wasn't up to me to right things just sit and listen. When I had enough I'd leave. Breathe a massive sigh of relief and swear to never behave like that with my own kids.

Yes that is my assumption, and perhaps she didn't, although that's not what I read from the OP. Hopefully OP can confirm

You are wasting your life obsessing over your mother!

Move on.

You're an adult now, you get to choose the people in your life.