So bitter about mum

[Stars25]

I know this is terrible but the bitterness is eating me up inside. I and some close friends have lost a few good people over the last couple of years. People who’ve really been kind and lovely people. Meanwhile my mother is an ungrateful and mean woman who has brought no joy to anyone. All she can do is bitch and moan. She has never had any friends, insists she doesn’t need any and tells me she’s bored yet wont do anything to change this (ie volunteer, coffee morning etc) She moans about money, despite never working since she was 19/20 (she’s 64 this year). She’s literally had everything handed to her on a plate by my father who saved and worked hard all his life to provide for her. (He passed away 10 years ago but all she can do is moan about him). She has lived mortgage free all her life in the house he bought and all bills have been covered by his savings . Meanwhile I have worked hard, gone to uni, scrimped and saved to get a mortgage etc. Now I’m worried about my own old age (when will we have paid off the mortgage, will we have state pension, will my workplace pension be enough, I don’t earn enough to save lots into savings if at all) It makes me so bitter because everything I’ve got in life is through work. She moans about her life but all she does is use my dad’s money to buy several packs of cigarettes every week. She literally does nothing at all and I just get so angry that she’s wasting my dads hard earned money. I feel her life is such a waste and it’s making me so bitter because I wish she just wasn’t here anymore. She brings no joy to anyone and it’s so hard to see her. I’m an only child so have to bear all this alone. I also worry because my dads money will one day run out and she won’t get much, if any, state pension. I won’t be able to afford to help that’s for sure and I feel angry again that this should fall on me.

My post will probably be deleted but here goes.
I do sympathise OP. I know it is ever so hard. Just think though, if she's smoking that much, she'll be dead soon.

Yes, but to have turned her father into a long suffering saint in her mind and to actually wish her mother dead ?

That is a level of hatred and black and white thinking that should be taken to a therapist to unpack.

How disgusting

Nonsense. I'm 45 and it was common amongst my peers to have a non working mother. There was no maternity leave so women had to stop working and many didn't go back due to lack of other childcare options / affordability of those limited options.

It wasn’t common in the UK. Most women worked after their kids started school. I know because I was one of them.

This.

Its her money, whether she's an arsewipe or not. But you do not have to help her.

This.
You sound bitter and jealous.
If you don't like her then reduce/cut contact.

You are poles apart in life experience and I think you should be very glad of that. I have known people like it and always felt that fear was at the root of their issues; constantly moaning about other people, hardly ever leaving the house, unable to socialise at all. Behaviours that were learned in childhood that they did not have the self awareness or maturity or need to change because they were enabled by others in the immediate family.

I appreciate how hard it must be for you but if you were a good friend of mine, my advise would be this: look after her, look after the house, make sure she has a Will. She won't be around forever and at some point in the future you may not have the financial worries that you do now. Keep calm and carry on.

I get you OP. I think what you mean is that her life experiences are so different, she doesn’t understand or finds it hard to show empathy with your circumstances eg can’t understand why you feel tired, frustrated, worried etc etc.

re: being an only child; a sibling is no guarantee of help and empathy. For me
its a whole other source of bitterness!

Gosh.
I think perhaps some therapy may help you.

Your parents were married, your mum did housework in the home and cooked meals and raised you and probably far more than you realise.

However it's her money not your dad's or yours.

Step back and say can we start with phone calls on a Friday at 5 or 6 . Say something like ..mum, I need time to process as find life challenging right now so can't cope with negativity.
If she moans on phone on Fridays.. say ..I'm sorry mum.i can't cope with negativity, let's try next Friday and hang up.

She will get it eventually.

Oh my Lord. This does not paint you in a good light at all, OP.

You can limit your mom's noise in your ear, but you sound so angry and bitter, you're actually sounding worse than how you've described her.

You made different lifestyles. She chose to stay at home and had a husband who was happy to work hard and support his family. Some families are like that and that's perfectly fine.

You've chosen a path that requires you to grind, and that's not your mother's fault. I don't know why you'd compare your life to hers and hate her for something she has no control over - your life.

She's not spending your dad's money. She's spending her money - money acquired during their marriage. And she was not handed anything on a plate. She was married, presumably raised you and made other contributions to the union.

You really need to get to the bottom of how you can make your life easier, so you're not redirecting your dissatisfaction to your mother.

I can hear exasperation. Your mother is draining you with her moaning and hasn’t ever made the effort to enjoy her life. She kills the positivity and light in life by being pessimistic. I understand. It’s so exhausting listening to it over the years, and nothing ever changes.

You don’t know what has happened to your mum, what she suffered with as a child, her childhood and school environment. Nor her marriage, not really, you only know one side of her for a relatively short period. No one chooses to be miserable. To chain smoke their life away.

It’s not your life to fix op, it’s not your problem to solve so see less of her, and when you do ask her what changes will she make? On a loop. Spend more time with happy people 😃

Yes, I see it the same way.

Every time she moans about your dad, try sighing and saying how much you miss him, lovely man that he was....

I feel for you OP and it seems that you are comparing your experiences with your mum's. You perceive your mum to have never worked for anything and yet she has a house and bills all paid for with your Dad's wages. In marriage, my understanding is that assets/finances are considered joint; irrespective of who has/has not gone out to work. FWIW, I have never understood how any woman doesn't go out to work (even PT when children have gone to school) but everyone has varying opinions on that. I also appreciate the enormity of raising children and home care but that doesn't need to prevent anyone from paid work. In contrast, you are working and paying for your home/bills . I think that you may benefit from some counselling to reframe your mindset on this. Otherwise, it is likely to destroy you. Take care

Me too. I started work when my child was a baby (due to circumstances) as did many of my friends

You’ve got to give this up - for your own sanity. The sub text here screams envy that she has money which you think you should be inheriting as you deserve it more. There is no question of ‘deserving’ though with inheritance. If your father had wanted it to go to you he would have made specific arrangements to see that it did. He was happy for it to be spent by your mum. It’s money he earned not you. He evidently loved your mum, whatever you might think. They remained married and he passed all their joint wealth directly to her. You are actually negating his right to choose if you now resent what he did. Be grateful you have enough about you to have worked and achieved in life in your own right. You have a very great deal to feel proud about. Concentrate on this instead or you’ll cause yourself untold agonies.

Absolutely. OP you complain that she is bitter and nasty.

There is no easy way to say this.

Mirror. Watch yourself or you will become what you despise.

You need to change your way of thinking. It is not your dad’s money it is your parents money. While you mum did not work she probably did all the household chores, took care of you and supported your father so that he could concentrate on work. The money they saved together is hers as much as it is his. You can always advice her about how she is spending it if you are concerned that she will run out of money but at the end of the day, it is her life and her choice. If there is any left after her time it will come to you along with her house since you are an only child. I am amazed that you are so bitter about your mum.

Maybe there is a bright side. If she smokes a lot perhaps you'll get your wish for her demise.

Paragraphs

I wish people would stop saying ‘go no contact’. That is very cruel, no solution to anything, weak and lazy and to my mind would probably make the op feel even worse. Going ‘no contact’ seems to be fashionable among the ‘because you’re worth it’ generation. What sort of person resents their mother? What are her expectations? What is the OP’s backstory? What does she actually want from her mother? Is it money? Does she have a history of grifting? Has she asked her mother for financial help? Does she offer to get her mum out and about? I would want to hear both sides of the story, and would advise the OP and her mother to sit down and TALK to each other. Relationships are hard, but bad relationships take two.

@Stars25 are you coming back to your thread?

I disagree. In the case of dealing with a narcissist going no contact is the only way to avoid being wrecked emotionally. Some people are just nasty individuals, they will never change and you cannot make them change, and should be kicked out of your life for the sake of your own mental health if nothing else. If they don't like it, they should stop being a twat. This attitude that we should suck it up and deal with toxic people just because we share some genes is in itself toxic.

I feel like this too. Mine has had a life of non working luxury yet is always moaning.
I decided long ago I can't let her live rent free in my head so I moved many miles away and tell her I can't be driving hundreds of miles to do odd jobs for her when I work full time and I don't answer the phone.