So bitter about mum

[Stars25]

I know this is terrible but the bitterness is eating me up inside. I and some close friends have lost a few good people over the last couple of years. People who’ve really been kind and lovely people. Meanwhile my mother is an ungrateful and mean woman who has brought no joy to anyone. All she can do is bitch and moan. She has never had any friends, insists she doesn’t need any and tells me she’s bored yet wont do anything to change this (ie volunteer, coffee morning etc) She moans about money, despite never working since she was 19/20 (she’s 64 this year). She’s literally had everything handed to her on a plate by my father who saved and worked hard all his life to provide for her. (He passed away 10 years ago but all she can do is moan about him). She has lived mortgage free all her life in the house he bought and all bills have been covered by his savings . Meanwhile I have worked hard, gone to uni, scrimped and saved to get a mortgage etc. Now I’m worried about my own old age (when will we have paid off the mortgage, will we have state pension, will my workplace pension be enough, I don’t earn enough to save lots into savings if at all) It makes me so bitter because everything I’ve got in life is through work. She moans about her life but all she does is use my dad’s money to buy several packs of cigarettes every week. She literally does nothing at all and I just get so angry that she’s wasting my dads hard earned money. I feel her life is such a waste and it’s making me so bitter because I wish she just wasn’t here anymore. She brings no joy to anyone and it’s so hard to see her. I’m an only child so have to bear all this alone. I also worry because my dads money will one day run out and she won’t get much, if any, state pension. I won’t be able to afford to help that’s for sure and I feel angry again that this should fall on me.

It sounds like you find her a very difficult person to be around op, but from what you're writing it sounds like you're frustrated with her for not doing the things you can do, for not taking responsibility for herself the way you think she should.

But really when you boil this down, people who become dependent in this way are usually people who have been disempowered over their life and have lost the skills and confidence that I think you're taking for granted. It's not easy going out to work and dealing with the challenges that arise there and budgeting money etc, and op you have had a lifetime of practice at those things- they're completely normal to you. You pro and do most of it every day without even thinking about it it's become so ingrained in your routine. But for your mum this is a massive stretch. So she's sticking with what makes her feel safe, with what is familiar and what she knows. She probably feels like she wouldn't know where to start and at her age like noone would want her to be any different or that showing her how to do these things would be a bother to everyone.

Seeing her life as a complete waste and wishing her dead is completely unreasonable though - just because she's not living life the way YOU want her to doesn't mean she's no value.

You're not responsible for helping her out financially. If you don't want to spend time with her then take a step back. But if you're struggling with grief from losing other people you cared about you take that to counselling and address it in a healthy and constructive way rather than wishing harm on another person.

I understand your feelings but yabu.

Your feelings are very understandable. I feel for you that you don’t have a sibling to vent about your shared experience with. I think that’s one of the hardest things about being an OC.

Just a word of warning that people on forums are very quick to tell people to go NC with anyone in their life who is difficult. A better first step would be to draw back to a level of contact that is more sustainable. Sometimes a different setting for contact helps too. Maybe include an activity that gives her limited opportunity to shit-talk your Dad and moan about her life.

Would second this. Also, nothing has to fall to you if you don't wat it to re bailing her out. Tell her you don't want to listen to her moan and leave if she won't stop. Don;t spend as much time with her then you will think about her less.

Hard when you are an only child and you have a mother who moans/treats you like a therapist.

She can spend her money how she likes, if she runs out then she can downsize her home and release equity. If she runs out then she will have to claim benefits. You do not need to spend any money on her in the future, it was her choice to not get a job and earn money. If she is unpleasant to be around, see her less. Was she nicer when your Dad was around? Is she depressed?

Beyond being quite mean spirited, miserable and smoking, I can’t see from the information you’ve provided what else she’s done or why you seem to hate her quite so much.
You make it sound like she mooched off your dad, but maybe she just chose to bring up their child together. What if you were a stay at home mum? Looking after the child and doing household tasks- would you see that as you mooching off your husband? That any money he earned was his own? It doesn’t work like that.
Maybe you were hoping some of ‘his’ money would left over for you and mum isn’t quite playing ball? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but your post comes across a bit like I’m afraid.

Why isn't it her money? Did your father have staff to raise his children and keep his home?
She may well have an as miserable married life as she says, with no financial independence.

Hang on it is her money. I agree it's sad to waste it on cigarettes but there is a little of your post that suggests you are thinking it's your money ....

And I have to say, you are moaning too ..

You have everything to be joyful about , live for today, now. Your mum is not going to change so don't let her drag you down. In your view she's wasted a lot of life and money (would agree) don't let her attitude and actions waste yours.

I hope this thread has given you lots to think about @Stars25 It sounds like the more time you spend with your mum, you dwell on your mum, your bitterness towards your situation festers and grows into a toxic mess. This you must know is not healthy for anyone, especially for you. Please give yourself some distance and maybe seek some counselling... I truly wish you the best 🌸

Wow, I can't believe you're wishing your own mother dead! Do you want your father's money? As they were married it's quite normal that the widow inherits everything and unless your father left something for you it's up to her how she spends it. Just don't see her if you don't like her. I wouldn't like to read in the newspaper that you've smashed her over the head with a frying pan or something.

My MIL similarly has never worked much apart from in her twenties. My FIL died 15 years ago. The money he earned/saved is currently being used to pay for her care. BUT in our heads it is her money, as it was their joint estate. It’s frustrating that those with no savings get the same care for free, but that’s the way it is. A lot of women stopped working in those days as they could afford to - you cannot change that. Being bitter never helped anyone and you are sounding very bitter. I would see your mum a lot less and learn to enjoy your own life, you only get one! It is harder to pay mortgages off now, goodness knows when/if our children ever will.

Why do you see it as your dad's money? Or do you mean she's wasting your inheritance?

I disagree. In the case of dealing with a narcissist going no contact is the only way to avoid being wrecked emotionally. Some people are just nasty individuals, they will never change and you cannot make them change, and should be kicked out of your life for the sake of your own mental health if nothing else. If they don't like it, they should stop being a twat. This attitude that we should suck it up and deal with toxic people just because we share some genes is in itself toxic.
What are your qualifications for diagnosing someone as ‘a narcissist’ asrl28? It is a trend among certain types of people at the moment to obsess about their own feelings - ‘my mental health’. Ooh Betty, diddums. There seems to be no value placed on resilience, agency, empathy, even common kindness, and certainly no anyone else’s mental health, or even just their feelings. Describing people as ‘nasty’, ‘ a twat’, ‘toxic’ says more about you than it does about them. ‘Going no contact’ is cruel, weak and selfish, make no mistake about it. I know it is fashionable among some me-me-me millennials though. I blame Mrs Thatcher for shifting the culture to ‘look after number one’.

I agree

Couldn't agree more. I do agree violence is reason to walk away. Emotional violence - put boundaries in place.
But walking away from family when you do not know the life they have lived when counselling and/or support wasn't available.
My mum is horrific and difficult - but she had a horrible life with no support. I would never go non contact but I limit and grey rock occasionally and have VERY strict boundaries

But just disappearing from someone's life and never allowing for change or growth is cruel

I find it staggering that some are lecturing on here about no contact, and stating it’s cruel and lacking in awareness whilst simultaneously having no idea of someone else’s lived experience at all!

It’s quite ironic that you feel you can tell someone else that only
violence is a reason to go NC. Who has given you the authority to define abuse and what is an acceptable level?

It is beyond arrogant.

Your mother might be ‘difficult’ but maybe she isn’t outrightly abusive. Maybe it’s easier to ‘manage’ your mother.

You have no idea how other pp may have suffered, and what it has done to them, so to say it is snowflake behaviour to choose to protect yourself from abuse is astonishingly poor form.

Strict boundaries are pointless if you have a real narcissist on your hands! You would understand that if you knew one, they will take great delight in stamping all over them.

It is not for you to decide for other people, they will choose the best path to keep themselves safe, not you.

I don’t always think nc works for everyone, as I think it can be avoidant behaviour in some cases, but in a situation where someone is being actively harmed whether that is psychologically, physically or in any other way - of course they have the right to choose, it is their life.

@dappledgreyandwhite I gave my opinion as others have done also
I didn't tell others what to do
I gave my opinion that it's cruel.
You are of course entitled to disagree but I did not tell anyone at all that they were not entitled to walk away

I just don't think it's appropriate in many many situations.

Ps you know nothing about my life or
Just how difficult things were

Try not to assume.

Totally this ⬆️

How dare you, it's her money, it was their money when your dad was alive. All assists in a marriage are joint and as she was a housewife and mother all their marriage, she did work. She kept the home clean and her family fed and she brought up her daughter, you. To be fair, you sound the mean one whilst your poor mum sounds like a lady who devoted her life to her family and had so little time for friends with all her responsibilities looking after home and family, she had no time for friends! Now she finds herself widowed and expecting a little more from her only daughter and all you care about is getting your hands on your parents money and how much of it she will have spent by the time she dies. To wish her dead is quite evil and you slate her personality?

Your poor mum, I think she'd be better with you out of her life, I hope she doesn't read your post. Your dad provided well for his wife (as he should) and I'm pretty sure if he had wanted a working wife she would have gotten a job. Has it occurred to you this was how married women lived in the majority back then? That men expected a housewife and provided accordingly?

Your post is unbelievable and you sound as mean as can be.

I must admit I found the OP post quite scary . Her mother is 64 ( close to my age ) and yet she is talking about her as if she is “past it “ .
I’m not sure what to think. If the OP is truthful then the mother is at fault .
And the OP has been badly brought up / possibly over indulged and not taught proper values.

My word- this thread makes you think about the complications and ethics of “assisted dying “…

Quite.

The money was family money. No doubt the OPs mother earned her share working inside the home.

Domestic work is still work.