I had a baby at 35, now 38 with a three year old. I was in a relationship when I became pregnant early on in the relationship and this man left me as he took a job hundreds of miles away and said he couldn’t cope being a dad etc. I was devastated. He supported financially but didn’t see dd until she was 1.
The last two years he’s been a totally dedicated father despite living the other side of the country. He travels weekly to see dd and books leave to spend extra time with her. He gives more than he needs to finance wise and has been kind to me, ensures I get rest at the weekend and if I want time on my own he takes dd and if I want to spend time with her too he will totally accept that and is entirely flexible with what I want to happen.
Over the last two years I have put my all into putting the past behind me for DD’s sake. It’s not always been easy and we’ve had times where we’ve argued by in the main it has often felt like we are just a normal family. We had a lovely relationship (before he upped and left!) and we get on well. I have never once indicated I wanted us to be together again for obvious reasons.
So the issue… recently he has started talking about the future and suggesting we live in the same home together. By this he means we move to him and we are a family, in a relationship. I have of course asked him many times why he left and he says he regrets it and he was not coping with changes at work (he is in senior surgical role in nhs). He says I was putting pressure on him to not take the job he had worked all his life for (consultant) and that had meant he just ran away and he regrets it. It’s not strictly true that I told him not to take the job but I didn’t cope well with the surprise pregnancy and looking back I was panicking and probably didn’t help with his panic too.
When he first indicated he wanted us to consider being together I was firm in my mind that it was no. One of the issues is that he rarely wanted sex and I missed that a lot, I know that wouldn’t change so I would essentially be signing up to a largely if not completely sexless life. But as time has gone on I wonder if I am making a mistake. I have my own home and I work but it’s a slog. I am constantly stretched. Being with him would give me options. I could easily work part time and still pay my mortgage or even rent out my home and continue to save. He wouldn’t expect me to contribute to the running of the home where we were living. We get on well, DD would be delighted. I would have freedom to see friends and family more. I know a lot of it sounds materialistic but it’s actually not that (he’s not one to splash cash on a handbag!)… it’s more that I could finally relax a bit. I would have my home still and still have my pension etc but day to day life could be filled more with seeing friends and family. He is supportive, I enjoy his company, I could have some nice holidays and someone to cuddle up to each night. Someone who makes me laugh. But it’s not exactly a fairytale is it?
what would you do? Just wonder if I’m making a huge mistake in digging my heels in out of principal because he left me, despite what good stuff has happened since. I know I could meet someone else but i never feel really inclined to get out there and try it.