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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you give up your ideal of a relationship for this alternative?

105 replies

Togivepp · 21/01/2025 21:10

I had a baby at 35, now 38 with a three year old. I was in a relationship when I became pregnant early on in the relationship and this man left me as he took a job hundreds of miles away and said he couldn’t cope being a dad etc. I was devastated. He supported financially but didn’t see dd until she was 1.

The last two years he’s been a totally dedicated father despite living the other side of the country. He travels weekly to see dd and books leave to spend extra time with her. He gives more than he needs to finance wise and has been kind to me, ensures I get rest at the weekend and if I want time on my own he takes dd and if I want to spend time with her too he will totally accept that and is entirely flexible with what I want to happen.

Over the last two years I have put my all into putting the past behind me for DD’s sake. It’s not always been easy and we’ve had times where we’ve argued by in the main it has often felt like we are just a normal family. We had a lovely relationship (before he upped and left!) and we get on well. I have never once indicated I wanted us to be together again for obvious reasons.

So the issue… recently he has started talking about the future and suggesting we live in the same home together. By this he means we move to him and we are a family, in a relationship. I have of course asked him many times why he left and he says he regrets it and he was not coping with changes at work (he is in senior surgical role in nhs). He says I was putting pressure on him to not take the job he had worked all his life for (consultant) and that had meant he just ran away and he regrets it. It’s not strictly true that I told him not to take the job but I didn’t cope well with the surprise pregnancy and looking back I was panicking and probably didn’t help with his panic too.

When he first indicated he wanted us to consider being together I was firm in my mind that it was no. One of the issues is that he rarely wanted sex and I missed that a lot, I know that wouldn’t change so I would essentially be signing up to a largely if not completely sexless life. But as time has gone on I wonder if I am making a mistake. I have my own home and I work but it’s a slog. I am constantly stretched. Being with him would give me options. I could easily work part time and still pay my mortgage or even rent out my home and continue to save. He wouldn’t expect me to contribute to the running of the home where we were living. We get on well, DD would be delighted. I would have freedom to see friends and family more. I know a lot of it sounds materialistic but it’s actually not that (he’s not one to splash cash on a handbag!)… it’s more that I could finally relax a bit. I would have my home still and still have my pension etc but day to day life could be filled more with seeing friends and family. He is supportive, I enjoy his company, I could have some nice holidays and someone to cuddle up to each night. Someone who makes me laugh. But it’s not exactly a fairytale is it?

what would you do? Just wonder if I’m making a huge mistake in digging my heels in out of principal because he left me, despite what good stuff has happened since. I know I could meet someone else but i never feel really inclined to get out there and try it.

OP posts:
SL2924 · 21/01/2025 22:38

Feel like I read this recently..

minipie · 21/01/2025 22:45

I think you could easily regret not giving this a chance. Fairytale relationships are few and far between especially if you have a child to consider when finding a new partner.

As PP say if you have an escape route I would give it a try.

Have you had an honest conversation about the sex or lack of?

JHound · 21/01/2025 22:48

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 21/01/2025 21:34

Why doesn't he want sex? I'd want to mske sure he's not secretly gay but hasn't met the right man to make him accept it

Otherwise, I don't think you'd be unreasonable either way. Being a working mum is tough and it would allow you to enjoy life

But tbh I'd prefer to be alone. Could you ask him for more financial support so you can go part time?

You sound like you've done amazingly well, op x

Lots of people have low sex drives / not much interest in sex.

It’s very normal.

Original poster
Togivepp · 21/01/2025 22:49

minipie · 21/01/2025 22:45

I think you could easily regret not giving this a chance. Fairytale relationships are few and far between especially if you have a child to consider when finding a new partner.

As PP say if you have an escape route I would give it a try.

Have you had an honest conversation about the sex or lack of?

@minipie i have tried and we have had spells (when we were in a relationship pre dd) where we did have sex but i think ultimately he’s just not bothered about it. We always had huge amounts of intimacy though, lots of cuddling and kissing etc. There was closeness for sure. I think part of me feels sad that this is how things went for me in my life … nobody wants to be abandoned in pregnancy. But we are where we are now and it would be untrue to say he hadn’t stepped up because he has and he’s suggested this move

OP posts:
Fillmeinfan · 21/01/2025 22:49

I've seen this thread before too.

I get that the situation would make day to day life a lot easier for you. Maybe go into it thinking that it's an arrangement that could suit you for a while. How do you know he won't break it off wirh you unexpectedly in the future? That worry would be something I would think about. Especially combined with the lack of sex. It sounds as though something could be missing for both of you? So if I went into it to have a family for a while I would not necessarily believe at this stage that the arrangement would last forever. No harm trying though I don't think.

Getkettleon · 21/01/2025 22:50

I think I'd maybe trial it for a set period and see how it goes. Having some breathing space is worth it's weight in gold. If parenting wasn't so hard I'd have left my DH by now, but sharing the load and practicalities during the tougher times of parenting and sacrificing the perfect relationship was a choice I made.
Time will tell if I regret it or not!

Original poster
Togivepp · 21/01/2025 22:50

JHound · 21/01/2025 22:48

Lots of people have low sex drives / not much interest in sex.

It’s very normal.

Show quote history

@JHound yep I think that’s what it comes down to (pardon the pun.) he’s just not that bothered about it. There was always closeness though.

OP posts:
JHound · 21/01/2025 22:50

Togivepp · 21/01/2025 21:48

Thanks for the replies! @Behindthethymes @Mopsy567 @Mopsy567 @mumofoneAlonebutokay @MyProudHare

To answer some questions I have often raised the abandoning with him and over time I have I suppose come to understand him more as a person and do believe he is genuinely regretful. I will of course never be able to forget it though.

When I look at friends’ relationships I can see that he is a decent man by most standards (the abandoning to one side…). He does far more for me and dd that most dads I know.

I am not worried about security if it didn’t work out as I would never be stupid enough to give up work etc but it’s true that by living with him I would actually be more financially secure and as crass as it may sound, that does count for a lot. I should say though that I would not consider this for a second unless I did genuinely get on with him and have some sort of connection with him.

We share a lot of similar values and in terms of bringing up dd it’s been plain sailing on that front as we are very aligned.

I really do no think he is gay as he is clearly turned on if we are next to each other on the sofa or the few times we have hugged etc. But I just know sex would not feature much. He’s always been that way.

I am so conflicted. I almost feel like we are an old married couple anyway so why aren’t we just sharing the load and enjoying the wider parts of life

Sounds like a lot of depressing relationships around you. What’s the point?

Oreyt · 21/01/2025 22:51

There was the same post a few weeks back.

Long distance
Allowing the mum free time
Man not wanting sex
Him being generous with money
Paying for the 3 of them to go away

Was that you?

Original poster
Togivepp · 21/01/2025 22:51

Fillmeinfan · 21/01/2025 22:49

I've seen this thread before too.

I get that the situation would make day to day life a lot easier for you. Maybe go into it thinking that it's an arrangement that could suit you for a while. How do you know he won't break it off wirh you unexpectedly in the future? That worry would be something I would think about. Especially combined with the lack of sex. It sounds as though something could be missing for both of you? So if I went into it to have a family for a while I would not necessarily believe at this stage that the arrangement would last forever. No harm trying though I don't think.

@Fillmeinfan i think he would be happy with the status quo if I did it. I don’t think he would break it off and I think dd would be the focus (rightly). I think maybe I need a lot more conversation with him about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Togivepp · 21/01/2025 22:53

JHound · 21/01/2025 22:50

Sounds like a lot of depressing relationships around you. What’s the point?

Show quote history

@JHound the point in moving in? I guess because then I have more freedom. I can be financially secure and not worry in the same way. I can share the load more. I have companionship when the boiler breaks. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
PrincessofWells · 21/01/2025 22:56

A sexless marriage at your age - you will come to resent it, very much. I wouldn't.

Tillow4ever · 21/01/2025 23:01

Didn't you post this exact same post fairly recently? I distinctly remember many of the details as I commented on that post.

What are you wanting from this post that you didn't get from that one?

Tillow4ever · 21/01/2025 23:03

Was this you? Different name but strikingly similar circumstances:

Is this desperately sad or actually a sensible way to work things? Never envisaged life like this http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5243321-is-this-desperately-sad-or-actually-a-sensible-way-to-work-things-never-envisaged-life-like-this

SometimesCalmPerson · 21/01/2025 23:08

There are successful marriages that have less than you describe from a relationship, and there’s no guarantee you’d ever find your ideal anyway. Not everyone gets the happy ending, lots of people end up alone. I think if you do this, you’ll have to accept that at some point you will want to see someone else, and it will be excruciating not to. But if you can put that aside for the sake of your child, then there are obvious benefits.

I wouldn’t hold it against him that he left while you were pregnant. You could have chosen to run away from the situation by terminating the pregnancy, and that would have been valid for you so the only way a man can run away is valid for him. It’s not like you were in a long term relationship at that point. It’s right that he shouldn’t have had to sacrifice a job he’d been working towards for years for an unplanned pregnancy in a new relationship.

He’s done the right thing since and that’s more important.

Catsandcannedbeans · 21/01/2025 23:20

I don’t really think you should get back with him and move in with him, but if you do make a serious effort to make friends and form connections outside of him. Also have an escape plan and a fund to leave him if you need to.

GiddyRobin · 21/01/2025 23:32

I wouldn't. He's proven that he's a flight risk and a selfish person, and he also can't give you the sex life you want.

I'd hate to live with a worry of someone leaving as soon as things got tough. And things will at some point, because they do - that's life and parenthood. I've got two and it isn't plain sailing - they go through phases, they get ill, school becomes difficult, and don't forget the tween years and hormones. Then teens. Don't get me wrong (I haven't even reached tween stage with mine yet, they're 8 and 5) it's all a part of it! But do you want to be always looking over your shoulder?

Lack of sex will grind you down if you're someone with a higher drive (and you can't know he isn't gay. Mine was, though he didn't admit it until ten years later). I've been there with an ex, and I'd never go back to that. It seems okay in the early stages, but it soon becomes a deep pain lying beside someone who clearly isn't interested enough to try. And you're young. Why waste these years? You can't get them back.

Why not consider co-parenting and cohabiting platonically? It isn't the best situation but it's a halfway point. I know one divorced couple who do this. They have respective partners each now but live together for financial security and the children. Perhaps a little odd, but not unheard of.

ETA: I don't blame you for considering it. In lots of ways I can see why you are! And you do in some ways seem to have your head screwed on. But you need to think really carefully about this. It's your future; you could have another 20 years of worrying if he'll leave, or growing bitter because of the lack of sex. And what if he is gay? Or bi leaning towards men? Or a porn addict? Or has a secret fetish? Obviously not every man with a low sex drive is going to be one of these things. But what if, and then you've wasted your years on him?

Stressedoutmum6274 · 21/01/2025 23:47

I have a 16month old
father upped and left as soon as i mentioned the word pregnant, he has never met her.

What this man has done to you is one of the biggest betrayals a woman could ever go through. He left you in a very vulnerable position. Id let him see his child but keep it amicable.

why would you contemplate living with this man. Or start a relationship.
Hes has already demonstrated what kind of person he is, you really think hes going to change? He will quite happily screw you over again, you need to be really careful for your childs sake.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/01/2025 23:58

It sounds like he abandoned you in pregnancy to focus on the career you'd now be relying upon for security and freedom.

Honestly, with a few failed LTRs and a period of single motherhood under my belt, I'd seriously consider this. As others have said, you two have more going for you than a lot of happy couples! It all boils down to how much you really like and care for each other and how that manifests in daily life. It wouldn't hurt to give it a go, without setting your expectations too high and knowing you have a clear escape plan if it doesn't work out.

Doitrightnow · 22/01/2025 00:07

I'd consider it. But I'm not very romantic and think that a practical basis for a relationship is just as valid as a passionate love affair. Impossible to say if it would work for you without knowing you both though.

BlondeMamaToBe · 22/01/2025 00:11

Does he just need a roof over his head?

Quiinkong · 22/01/2025 00:13

I think for 2yrs, he consistently showed you that you can rely on him in terms of your daughter and being there for her. If you are absolutely certain that you're not just "settling", then i see no reason to say no to him. Yes, he was a dick for leaving but you've moved past it and you guys have been able to get along. I pray it goes well for your family

BlondeMamaToBe · 22/01/2025 00:15

You would be very unwise to uproot for this man. He may get cold feet and abandon you both again, only this time you’ll have given up your home, job, close family and friends support.

Quiinkong · 22/01/2025 00:16

Stressedoutmum6274 · 21/01/2025 23:47

I have a 16month old
father upped and left as soon as i mentioned the word pregnant, he has never met her.

What this man has done to you is one of the biggest betrayals a woman could ever go through. He left you in a very vulnerable position. Id let him see his child but keep it amicable.

why would you contemplate living with this man. Or start a relationship.
Hes has already demonstrated what kind of person he is, you really think hes going to change? He will quite happily screw you over again, you need to be really careful for your childs sake.

Actually, he did change. He came back and has been there for them for 2yrs now. No one can predict the future. Women and men have DH and DW who walk out on 20yrs of marriage. She can't live life based on uncertainties

Quiinkong · 22/01/2025 00:18

BlondeMamaToBe · 22/01/2025 00:15

You would be very unwise to uproot for this man. He may get cold feet and abandon you both again, only this time you’ll have given up your home, job, close family and friends support.

No, she said she will rent her place out....so, she wouldn't be losing her place because she could always just move back in after tenants tenancy expires.