Would you give up your ideal of a relationship for this alternative?

[Togivepp]

I had a baby at 35, now 38 with a three year old. I was in a relationship when I became pregnant early on in the relationship and this man left me as he took a job hundreds of miles away and said he couldn’t cope being a dad etc. I was devastated. He supported financially but didn’t see dd until she was 1.

The last two years he’s been a totally dedicated father despite living the other side of the country. He travels weekly to see dd and books leave to spend extra time with her. He gives more than he needs to finance wise and has been kind to me, ensures I get rest at the weekend and if I want time on my own he takes dd and if I want to spend time with her too he will totally accept that and is entirely flexible with what I want to happen.

Over the last two years I have put my all into putting the past behind me for DD’s sake. It’s not always been easy and we’ve had times where we’ve argued by in the main it has often felt like we are just a normal family. We had a lovely relationship (before he upped and left!) and we get on well. I have never once indicated I wanted us to be together again for obvious reasons.

So the issue… recently he has started talking about the future and suggesting we live in the same home together. By this he means we move to him and we are a family, in a relationship. I have of course asked him many times why he left and he says he regrets it and he was not coping with changes at work (he is in senior surgical role in nhs). He says I was putting pressure on him to not take the job he had worked all his life for (consultant) and that had meant he just ran away and he regrets it. It’s not strictly true that I told him not to take the job but I didn’t cope well with the surprise pregnancy and looking back I was panicking and probably didn’t help with his panic too.

When he first indicated he wanted us to consider being together I was firm in my mind that it was no. One of the issues is that he rarely wanted sex and I missed that a lot, I know that wouldn’t change so I would essentially be signing up to a largely if not completely sexless life. But as time has gone on I wonder if I am making a mistake. I have my own home and I work but it’s a slog. I am constantly stretched. Being with him would give me options. I could easily work part time and still pay my mortgage or even rent out my home and continue to save. He wouldn’t expect me to contribute to the running of the home where we were living. We get on well, DD would be delighted. I would have freedom to see friends and family more. I know a lot of it sounds materialistic but it’s actually not that (he’s not one to splash cash on a handbag!)… it’s more that I could finally relax a bit. I would have my home still and still have my pension etc but day to day life could be filled more with seeing friends and family. He is supportive, I enjoy his company, I could have some nice holidays and someone to cuddle up to each night. Someone who makes me laugh. But it’s not exactly a fairytale is it?

what would you do? Just wonder if I’m making a huge mistake in digging my heels in out of principal because he left me, despite what good stuff has happened since. I know I could meet someone else but i never feel really inclined to get out there and try it.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. You have done so well to reach a place where you have a good co-parenting relationship despite what this fucker did to you; don't jeopardise that.

I think getting along with someone, having similar values, and having a good coparenting relationship is much more important than mind blowing sex.

And couples do recover from break ups, even bad ones.

Nope. You're not rentawife. Regrets fucking off and leaving you to it does he? No doubt he does.

There is no way that a couple of Mother's Day gifts and some actual fathering attempts would make me uproot and move to pursue a relationship with someone who is capable of doing what he did. He put himself first. That's who he is.

Unless you want to attempt to spend your life partnered with a fundamentally selfish man who doesn't want to have sex with you, then don't touch it with a bargepole. If you want company get a lodger. It sounds bloody miserable to me, some kind of one foot in, one foot out half life.

Imagine the ramifications for your daughter if he bolts again? I wouldn't be prepared to risk it. Anyone can make an effort in the short term. I'd let him keep bending over backwards at arms length, it's the very least he can do.

@crockofshite

I've read here on Mumsnet that surgeons and consultants are on the list of professionals to avoid having relationships with, along with men in the army, police and pilots. They tend to be trouble for some reason.

My husband has been a marine for 22 years. Am I safe then?

If you move to him then if the relationship doesn’t work out then there is a good chance you won’t be able to move back again. (Well you can move but you won’t be able to move DC.) So if you move you have to assume that you will be trapped there for 16 years.

Why can’t he move to you? He is an experienced consultant now. It will be fairly easy for him to get a job,

She did a number of times

I like the way he's trying to weasel his way back in. I'm confused about why you are entertaining him at all. He's treated you and your child terribly. Decline his "kind" offer and work on your self esteem

I think you will be more lonely inside this relationship than staying alone. At least alone you have autonomy, can date and do what you want - not spend your time washing the pants of a man that doesn't want you.

Thanks for the food for thought. In terms of doing his washing or being a housewife that absolutely wouldn’t happen. I would be doing it because I felt it benefited me and provided some security and proper co parenting. I would have to live with the fact that I had forgiven a man who did what he did and that I didn’t have the fairytale (or even close to) with a healthy sex life. The alternative is trying to find that with a child as a single parent and being blunt I think it’s unlikely I will meet someone as financially solvent as DD’s dad and I will always feel I want to be around dd’s dad as we are close where dd is concerned and we enjoy days out and being a family. That would make it complicated for a new relationship even if it was possible to find one. I almost wonder if it’s time to accept my hand in life and just make the most of the good bits, accepting that it’s not as perfect as I hoped when I was younger.

I'd consider moving, if I really wanted to live in the place I was moving to, had good job prospects and the potential for an independent social life. I would live as housemates and keep finances separate rather than diving straight back into a relationship. But you would have to be very clear that a sexual relationship is not necessarily going to develop.

Personally, I would forgive him for his past actions (it sounds as though you have and I commend you for it). But you are very young to be in a marriage of convenience. I always think that when you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Take more time, continue to accept all the financial and practical support he offers and enjoy your relationship. I would not do anymore than that at the moment. I think to be in a sexless relationship so young would be sad and also risky (it is likely that you will meet someone eventually who you are attracted to and compatible with, whether you are in a relationship with your child's father or not).

@BlueHatForABlueDay thank you. I wouldn’t say I have fully forgiven it but I have tired to put it behind us. The context made it a little easier to understand but it’s still an awful thing that he did. I hear what you are saying about not rushing anything … I thought it was important to sort before dd starts school which is only 2 years away now.

Why are you ignoring the comments about your other posts?

Frankly, I’d give it a whirl. You can always leave. I don’t believe in fairytales though; I’m a pragmatic person and as the years roll by the happiest relationships I see are the ones based in friendship, not high passion.

The point of those depressing relationships around you.

I am really surprised it took so long for anyone to point out what @Mauro711 did. If you move across the country to be with this man, be prepared to stay there long term regardless of the relationship working or not. That will be your daughters home and it sounds like he has plenty of resources financially to stop you leaving, if he chooses to do so. So renting out your own home does not mean you will be able to return if things go sour.

If you really want to try for a relationship with this man, do it on your terms. Stay in your home, he can continue staying with you and if you both feel certain after a decent amount of time, he can look at moving closer to you.

Please don't do it. Whatever his excuses were he didn't stick around and face up to the fact that he was a father.
My exH of 15 years swore blind he'd always be there for me yet ran away when I got really sick, abandoned me when I was in hospital. I never saw him again.
I am well now and he's been snooping about my friends asking them if I'd have him back.
That's a big fat no from me - he left me to die.
This guy will do the same again you can count on it and he isn't good enough for you.

I think this is one of those situations where only you can really see the full picture. I do believe people can change but do make sure you are sure that you can live the life you want. Also did you want more children? Definitely worth discussing that in advance

I really do no think he is gay as he is clearly turned on if we are next to each other on the sofa or the few times we have hugged etc. But I just know sex would not feature much. He’s always been that way.

This is going to really get under your skin as time goes by especially if in all other respects things are going very well. It will be a huge missing piece of an otherwise happy life together. You need to address this aspect with him and discuss you having a FWB in the future if you want to. You've not been that bothered about seeking out a new relationship since you had your daughter because you've been busy being a single mum doing it all on her own. But as she gets older and it's not as full on as it is now you may start to resent that he now has his happy family but you don't.

Again, I'm only responding to what the OP said and not like I'm trying to encourage her to do something she's saying she doesn't want

I think what you describe sounds better than a lot of established marriages to be honest.
I think that if you are cautious it could work, the main issue is that if it went wrong it would be more upheval for your DD

For sure

Go for it OP . Honestly what have you got to lose ? My very best wishes to you .

Someone who can desert the 'love of his life' when she's pregnant with his child/ a new mother, has no clue what love is.

I think you are going to do this, and ultimately it won't work, because both of you are primarily doing it for convenience. When the going gets tough, he will get going again. Or one of you will meet someone you actively want to be with.

This won't impact either of you as much as it will impact your daughter.

Doesn't sound worth moving for.