Would you give up your ideal of a relationship for this alternative?

[Togivepp]

I had a baby at 35, now 38 with a three year old. I was in a relationship when I became pregnant early on in the relationship and this man left me as he took a job hundreds of miles away and said he couldn’t cope being a dad etc. I was devastated. He supported financially but didn’t see dd until she was 1.

The last two years he’s been a totally dedicated father despite living the other side of the country. He travels weekly to see dd and books leave to spend extra time with her. He gives more than he needs to finance wise and has been kind to me, ensures I get rest at the weekend and if I want time on my own he takes dd and if I want to spend time with her too he will totally accept that and is entirely flexible with what I want to happen.

Over the last two years I have put my all into putting the past behind me for DD’s sake. It’s not always been easy and we’ve had times where we’ve argued by in the main it has often felt like we are just a normal family. We had a lovely relationship (before he upped and left!) and we get on well. I have never once indicated I wanted us to be together again for obvious reasons.

So the issue… recently he has started talking about the future and suggesting we live in the same home together. By this he means we move to him and we are a family, in a relationship. I have of course asked him many times why he left and he says he regrets it and he was not coping with changes at work (he is in senior surgical role in nhs). He says I was putting pressure on him to not take the job he had worked all his life for (consultant) and that had meant he just ran away and he regrets it. It’s not strictly true that I told him not to take the job but I didn’t cope well with the surprise pregnancy and looking back I was panicking and probably didn’t help with his panic too.

When he first indicated he wanted us to consider being together I was firm in my mind that it was no. One of the issues is that he rarely wanted sex and I missed that a lot, I know that wouldn’t change so I would essentially be signing up to a largely if not completely sexless life. But as time has gone on I wonder if I am making a mistake. I have my own home and I work but it’s a slog. I am constantly stretched. Being with him would give me options. I could easily work part time and still pay my mortgage or even rent out my home and continue to save. He wouldn’t expect me to contribute to the running of the home where we were living. We get on well, DD would be delighted. I would have freedom to see friends and family more. I know a lot of it sounds materialistic but it’s actually not that (he’s not one to splash cash on a handbag!)… it’s more that I could finally relax a bit. I would have my home still and still have my pension etc but day to day life could be filled more with seeing friends and family. He is supportive, I enjoy his company, I could have some nice holidays and someone to cuddle up to each night. Someone who makes me laugh. But it’s not exactly a fairytale is it?

what would you do? Just wonder if I’m making a huge mistake in digging my heels in out of principal because he left me, despite what good stuff has happened since. I know I could meet someone else but i never feel really inclined to get out there and try it.

It doesn’t have to be all his way . How about asking him to move in with you for a few months then decide? He’d have to change his job and network and that would show real commitment and real remorse.
BTW I think you love him a bit.

Have you ever been in this situation @Quiinkong ??

I dont believe that the man in question would be a good partner. A great dad yes. But he left a woman pregnant and vulnerable,

then returned after a whole year! That is shameful behaviour and shouldnt be forgotten under any circumstances. To be abandonned when you find yourself pregnant is unforgivable. Hes a top quality dickhead.

for me i wouldnt want to ever consider a relationship with such a person again, id make it work amicably for my child.

How misaligned are the sex drives? Are we talking you’d like it twice a week and him once? Or you’d like it once a week and him once a year? I could see resentment brewing easily if it’s the latter.

She also said she'd keep her job and visit friends and family often... did you read the thread at all, @BlondeMamaToBe ? Both your posts are completely at odds with what the OP wrote.

He sounds lovely OP. He made one (clearly monumental!) error, and left, but he's been showing up for you ever since.
Why does it have to be all or nothing? If he travels down already can't you start "dating" a bit? Why is it moving in so immediately?
The early years are hard. I would have chewed my own leg of for general kindness and support like this... but if you don't love him ... what happens when DD grows up and leaves home? You'll be 55. That's a long retirement to spend with someone you're just "ok" abut.

I’d say no. You’re young, you could find a relationship that you’re happy in, and not just settling. Setting yourself up for a sexless relationship at your age with a guy who walked out on you when you were pregnant, madness I think. Sure you’ll have that family unit, more support with your DD. But you need to consider it will be uprooting is this doesn’t work out. Would he be willing to speak to his GP re the lack of sex drive? It’s your choice at the end of the day, there are definitely pluses and minuses. Good luck

I would do it. Make a list of what you stand to lose compared to what you will gain.
Obviously financial security with a young child can't be underestimated and if you are keeping your own place to bolt back to if it goes tits up you will be in a great position.
Have you discussed marriage? As in you would be happy to uproot your life to live with him but you need the security of marriage to do it, if he wants this set up (and going off his previous behaviour) he should be happy to make you feel as secure as possible.

I’d say it’s worth considering. Do bear in mind that no-fault evictions will come to an end soon so you would need to find out how you could get your property back if you needed to.
If it were me, I think I might want to go in on house-sharing terms initially, with my own room, and see where things went. Is that a possibility?

it sounds as if there are lots of positives in this scenario for you, so it’s worth serious thought, but go through the possible down sides and what happens if scenarios, both with him and without him. Keep your own resources and have a route out which you keep as well (if nothing else, it would be good to have that to offer your dd later on).

Good luck!

You've not said how long you were together before he left you to take the job? Do you know him really well? Are you both on the same page regarding more children? Do you know anything about his family background that would throw light on him as a person? Would he accept you meeting your needs for sex elsewhere if you met someone you were physically attracted to? Would you be in a relationship or simply congenial cohabitants who share a bed and home? Will you be working FT and doing all the household drudgery? Who will be responsible for childcare?

My worry would be how you both would deal with any other life events like long term illness, disability, job losses, tumultuous teens etc. Is there enough glue there in the relationship to help you both weather the difficult times? I do think that it is entirely possible to make non formulaic relationships work - given the high failure rate of the formulaic ones - but I think you need to talk through very clearly the different scenarios and what the expectations are of each other. He seems like a decent person and a good father to his little girl NOW but I would be concerned about her and the impact on her if for any reason he decided it was all too stressful and you split again. You need to believe him to be a solid bet.

However life is full of risks and there are no guarantees of anything: I think all you can do is ensure you are protected financially which it seems you are, and that you've talked through how it will work and if you are agreed on the important stuff, then try it. Be on the look out for red flags in your first year together: going back would be easier after 1 year, not so easy when your daughter is older and settled in 5 years' time.

But it's OP that is listing all these positive reasons why she wants to be with him. Shoulda woulda coulda is not a nice song. I believe in letting people make certain choices by themselves because at the end of the day, they're left alone to carry their own cross and so are we. If it ends up being a mistake, OP at least took that chance but what if it ends up with her still with him in 55yrs time? Nothing in life is guaranteed as no one knows tomorrow. Do your best today so that when tomorrow comes, you can look back and say "at least i tried my best".

I think it would be great to have him living close by as a neighbour or something, but not with you. Imagine what will happen if you do fall in love with someone further down the line - you won't be able to do anything about it if you're living with your ex, even if just "as friends".

Regardless of how he behaved in that first year, which was terrible but people do make mistakes, I think you should consider your future chance of love and happiness alongside your practical needs.

Would you really settle for a sexless houseshare with a man who has already let you down?

Potentially for security, ease, companionship and co-parenting maybe.

Life is not Hollywood. Many many successful long term relationships started out unconventional.

I'm not saying it's ideal. But I do think it's not something to automatically discount.

You’re friends. But it sounds like that’s all you are.

There’s no need to attempt a romantic relationship, particularly if you’re concerned about the lack of sex.

Is there not a compromise to be had? You could rent out your place and move nearer him. He would be there to support you when the boiler stops working, spend more time as a family unit, and give you a break from the grind of being a single mum.

Spending more time in his company will determine whether you could ever live together as a couple. You’ll get to know him much better if you see him more regularly.

If he’s a consultant I imagine he works quite long hours. Does that mean he won’t actually be around for the daily grind of raising a child? Taking holiday from work to visit DD is very different to being there day in day out.

I think there would need to be an acceptance in his part that this may or may not work

Surgeons are wanted everywhere. Of course he could move to you (unless I've missed a post explaining that he's super super specialised and can only work out of one hospital in the country). O)f everything you write, it's the fact that he expects you to move to him that sticks out to me. If he were really remorseful, he'd be looking for a job closer to where you are so your life didn't get uprooted a second time within the space of a few years. As it is, it feels a bit as if it would suit him to be closer to his daughter (which is a good thing, of course) and he wants to move you about to attain what he wants. That would give me pause.

I’d consider it. I think there’s as much value in spending your life with a friend than there is with a sexual partner. Its just so much nicer to share the load, have less financial stress, and someone to come home to or go out with. He sounds to me like he has proved that he has changed somewhat, at least in terms of wanting to be a dad. But I would seriously think through what caused friction when you lived together and think whether that would come up again if you moved in again.

After 9 years as a totally single full time working parent with zero support, I would absolutely consider this set-up. Commit to it for the next 5 - 10 years and then make your own life away from him once your DD is older.

I like the positivity here, its what someone on cloud cookoo land might believe, but unless you have physically been abandonned, to pick up the pieces of pregnancy, childbirth and raise a child alone, (i have) for a man to come back when he likes, shows a high level of unreliability. Common, that is very shitty!!! By all means OP can do as she pleases and only time can tell. Do you not consider that he could leave her again, after his previous actions there is a risk. How damaging would that be for his child when they get older and can see it for themselves. At least they are none the wiser now.
how old is OP? Is she quite young? I find the comment about a low sex drive worrying also, if hes that attracted to the mother of his child hed surely be more active with her.

i imagine this is a case of wanting to play happy families whilst forgetting the way you were treated. Good luck to her and her child, her choice of course.

He is basically grooming and manipulating you with the goal of creating a ready made family for him. He had no problem abandoning you and your DD when it didn't fit into what he thought his life should look like. Once he realised that actually, I have no desire to sleep with women and do the whole romancing thing that women seem to like, he quickly became this devoted and dedicated father figure and partner figure to you. He now assumes he has you back on the hook and the last piece of the puzzle is to get you to give up your current life and take your DD and slot right into his life.

Once you have moved there you won't be able to leave with your DD unless he agrees to it. There is a possibility that once you have settled there he will leave you again and you are stuck and as by chance (not) he will no longer need to do the long ardous travel on the weekends to see his DD because she will now be forced to be on his doorstep.

Never trust a man who has no issue abandoning you and his baby. He's only concerned about him and how to makes his own life easier.

My opinion is it would be worth a shot if it didn’t involve uprooting and moving so far away
lets face it, dating as a single parent is not easy so what are the chances of you meeting a perfect guy in the next 5 years? Just look at the dating threads on here….

Living with someone is different to what you have now.
People do change when it comes to parenthood but rarely when it comes to sex.
You deserve to be treated like a princess and feel alive with love and your young.
Let him be superdad and wait for your knight in shining armour.

I've read here on Mumsnet that surgeons and consultants are on the list of professionals to avoid having relationships with, along with men in the army, police and pilots. They tend to be trouble for some reason.

Whatever you decide to do with this man ensure it's on your terms. Maybe co parent as flat mates rather than a couple so you're both free to pursue other relationships.

This post nails it.

100%

@Togivepp was this your post? If not, it may be worth reading that one as it's remarkably similar.

If it was, you're obviously still struggling. Last time, you said he wasn't interested in a relationship - it seems that has changed?