Page 27 | AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

erereeee · 2025-01-21T14:59:53+00:00

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office. From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall. I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5. Yet, when I meet new people, I always get ^that^ look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices? Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 19:59

Bumpitybumper · 22/01/2025 08:04

I'm comparing ironing to cooking. The point about socks is that people have different standards. Something that MN loves to pretend isn't the case but is a huge differentiator IRL in terms of how long an activity will take.

I can 'cook' dinner in 2 mins (beans on toast) or two hours (a complicated, time consuming dish)
I can spend no time at all ironing or iron every single piece of fabric in my house which will take hours and hours.
The same is true for virtually every activity we do in life.

You can say that you see no value in ironing or cooking from scratch so think a SAHP spending hours doing these things is wasting their time or as you put it 'has too much time on their hands'. Other people may value these things more highly. You aren't the definitive voice of what is and isn't worthwhile. It is inherently subjective.

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Only I didn't say any of that. You made it up!!!!

You aren't the "definitive voice" either and kindly stop putting words into my mouth!!!

Galdownunder · 22/01/2025 20:04

I had a SAHM, she didn’t work because she didn’t want to. Was just by choice. I grew up thinking she missed out on so much! She never worked hard to get a promotion, learnt new skills, enjoyed the company and social side of working, and our household was down 50% financially for their whole lives. We weren’t poor but doubling the income in the house would have lifted our standard of living significantly giving us all a much better life. For me I knew I wanted to model something completely different for my daughter so I did. She is now at full time uni, double degree and works in luxury retail (Moncler) as well as living in a lovely apartment and paying her own way and she’s only 21. She knows the only way to have a financially secure and successful life is to work and study hard. She would never see a man as her financial future.

Tootiredmummyof3 · 22/01/2025 20:05

GiddyRobin · 22/01/2025 14:05

Literally no one is doing that. Yet again you seem to fail to grasp what's being written; I'm not sure why you're struggling with it so much. Let me try one last time:

Working parents don't care what SAHMs do. We do find it dull to hear the same arguments tossed out about how hard the cleaning and cooking is, life admin, school runs, playdates, homework, shopping - when we do that on top of working and spending quality time with our kids. If my child is sick, then they're at home while we try to juggle work. If the school calls, we have to sort that out.

It doesn't get to 5pm and the world screeches to a halt and we're knocking back mojitos in the garden. We're also not complaining about it because that's life! We chose to have kids and chose to work.

These SAHMs chose to have kids and chose not to work. If they don't like it then the option to rejoin the workforce is right there. Instead, some decide to complain bitterly and make out that their "job" is harder than working parents. They're not complaining about the childrearing for the most part, they're complaining about the every day facets of life like laundry and meal prep, as though that's a SAHM only designated task.

I've been at home with two kids on my maternity leave. It wasn't difficult. It was just dull. I wasn't stressed by every day tasks or having to play with my kids, I was just bored shitless of the same thing day in and day out because I have other aspects to my personality that aren't just "Mum". I don't complain about how busy I am because this is my choice. I love my job and I love my kids. I'm choosing to have both.

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Have you actually read the reasons why some parents can't work ? What if it's not always as simple as just get a job then?

MissDeborah · 22/01/2025 20:08

Bumpitybumper · 22/01/2025 10:14

I detest posts like this as they are just so self serving and completely undermine the role of caregiving for working and SAH parents.

DH and I now work FT hours and I can emphatically tell you that there is absolutely no way we could both do our jobs effectively and care for children FT in a way that we deem to be safe, enriching and nurturing. Something has to give and nobody on this earth has super powers! I think children of all ages, but especially very young children need a lot of input and benefit greatly from dedicated time and effort. We simply couldn't get all the work we need to do and look after young children. It would inevitably lead to the children spending long periods of time entertaining themselves or watching screens. Not to mention when we need to actually be onsite, attend meetings or meet clients, sometimes at the same time as each other.

You may think your post proves that the SAHP role is so easy that you can fulfil it whilst both working FT but I just think you either don't care for your kids acceptably, you are sacrificing your work or you have extremely easy and flexible roles that most of the population aren't lucky enough to have. Put it this way, there is no way I would employ someone to work for me FT if I knew they were looking after a preschooler at the same time.

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I know lots of Healthcare professionals who do just what I was suggested by @HoppingPavlova
12.5 hour day/ night shifts and weekend working
As long as you can get flexible working then parent 1 works Mon, Tues, Weds and Parent 2 Thurs, Fri, Sat -simple example but you get the drift .
It works extremely well
There is always a parent at home and the working parent knows they won't get an emergency call for illness either.
In many ways it means both careers are supported.

Curryingfavour · 22/01/2025 20:09

I think it depends on your circumstances whether it’s hard work at home or hard work in your job / career ?
A woman might have one child ,take a decent long maternity leave , go back to work but employ a nanny who comes to the house to care for the child .
The nanny does small jobs around the house such as cleaning up a little , filling and emptying dishwasher, hanging a load of laundry that you’ve loaded that sort of thing , as well as caring for the child .
Her commute to work is easy , short .
Her work is enjoyable, her colleagues are lovely , she gets to take a coffee break and a lunch break in peace and a relaxing walk home .
Her partner/ husband shares all other chores 50/50 and she also has supportive relatives / friends to help out if necessary.
A stay at home mum might have 2 little ones to care for at home and another one or 2 at school and she’s absolutely run ragged all day long .
She does all school runs which often means she is waking a little one from a nap ,she does absolutely everything to do with the children / house / garden .
her husband/ partner feels he / she doesn’t have to lift a finger because of course he / she have been out at work .
she has no family support .
now who is working harder in that situation 🤔

Or you could get a working mum with 2 or 3 kids who has to get up at the crack of dawn and rush around to sort absolutely everything, get children to childcare , has a hideous commute to work and has very busy and stressful job !
She has no paid help and her partner doesn’t help at all .
Another stay at home mum might have one child , a very helpful and supportive family and partner.
it’s absolutely obvious who is working harder in those circumstances

Shwish · 22/01/2025 20:10

outofmexico · 22/01/2025 19:30

"Imagine having to go to work 5 days a week, be a parent AND do all of the chores you’ve just mentioned - which is the case for most working parents"

"Do you think FT working parents have fairies to do all the stuff you do? We do all that too plus our 40 hours of work and commute"

"What many SAHM seem to forget is that working mothers do everything that a SAHM does and work"

Sorry to not name the three separate posters above - but this kind of attitude is rife on here aNx its what does my head in.

Nobody is disputing that people who work still have to "chores." Of course working people still have all that to juggle in less time and that's hard.

BUT BEING A SAHM IS NOT ABOUT CHORES OR HOUSEWORK.

Sorry to shout in capitals, but why are people seemingly incapable of comprehending the role and purpose of a SAHP in any other terms than housework?

This is why I get so frustrated on behalf of SAHMs because these threads in MN seem to attract people who either can't comprehend or are in denial about the whole basic point of being a SAHP which is that you want to be there for your child in the day because you think you have more to offer your child in that time, rather than someone who needs to be paid to do it.

Anyone can fit laundry and cooking and hoovering and other 'chores' into their weekends and evenings. I'm not saying it's easy. Life is obviously harder in this respect where two people work. It's not a competition. Of course working and juggling kids and everything else is harder, all things being equal.

But what you can't do is pretend that spending 12 hours a day with a child is the same as spending 3 hours with them, or whatever the case may be. I'm sorry if that aggravates some people, but it is a fact. It is what it is. That is why people are SAHPs. Again it is nothing to do with housework, which everyone does regardless or they get a cleaner. It is about TIME SPENT.

Working is parenting. It is vital for some, a preference for others. That's obvious and there need be no judgement about it. But if you are working, you are patently not doing 'everything a SAHM does' in terms of time spent because you are physically not there. You are reliant on someone else noticing, responding, occupying, feeding, playing, safeguarding, educating, socialising and providing emotional support to you children in your absence. Again, this is absolutely fine. But it's not any more compulsory or 'normal' or 'default' than a parent or parents wanting to do it all themselves.

This!.this is it in a nutshell. I get the OP was banging on about housework which pretty much ruined their argument but by the same token it's absolutely NOT TRUE that parents who work outside the home are doing all the stuff a SAHP does plus works. Of course they're not. Because the parenting during the day they're not doing!!
I work in central London I don't look after my kids during the day. They're at school. Before they were at school I did look after them all day every day. It was isolating and hard work. I find going in to work every day MUCH easier, even though I have less time to do the bloody housework!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 20:11

Bumpitybumper · 22/01/2025 10:15

Nope, sorry but that isn't always the case. Some people can claim more through government benefits as a result of them working than the tax they earn, especially when you account for the additional childcare hours they can claim. This is a very common scenario. It would actually be cheaper for the taxpayer for them not to work.

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And for every one of them, there's plenty more out there who can only afford to sah because they are being supported by benefits!

Newmumatlast · 22/01/2025 20:11

Mrsttcno1 · 21/01/2025 15:08

I think the reason for the looks is mostly that once children are school age, a working mum is also doing everything you are- cooking, laundry, housework, school runs etc- on top of working a full day, so the thought that it can be a full time job when they do it all on top of an actual full time job doesn’t quite make sense.

I’m currently on maternity leave so I suppose like a SAHM for now, and although my days are definitely not all chill time and relaxing, they are much more chilled than going out to work and then coming home to do all of the jobs, organising, cooking etc. I’ve done a couple of KIT days and can see just from that how much busier my days will be once I’m properly back in a couple of months, having to work a full day and then do all the other bits after that makes me appreciate the rest of my maternity days.

I wouldn’t judge either way though, it makes no difference to me what others do

I have to say I agree. Whilst I also am not bothered by other people's choices, my own experience was that being a sahm while on maternity leave was much easier than my paid job and both were much easier than what I do now which is a combination of trying to do the same paid work in fewer hours alongside childcare around school and managing the home.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/01/2025 20:11

Tootiredmummyof3 · 22/01/2025 20:05

Have you actually read the reasons why some parents can't work ? What if it's not always as simple as just get a job then?

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For most, it’s a choice. Some exceptions obviously apply.

Newmumatlast · 22/01/2025 20:16

Curryingfavour · 22/01/2025 20:09

I think it depends on your circumstances whether it’s hard work at home or hard work in your job / career ?
A woman might have one child ,take a decent long maternity leave , go back to work but employ a nanny who comes to the house to care for the child .
The nanny does small jobs around the house such as cleaning up a little , filling and emptying dishwasher, hanging a load of laundry that you’ve loaded that sort of thing , as well as caring for the child .
Her commute to work is easy , short .
Her work is enjoyable, her colleagues are lovely , she gets to take a coffee break and a lunch break in peace and a relaxing walk home .
Her partner/ husband shares all other chores 50/50 and she also has supportive relatives / friends to help out if necessary.
A stay at home mum might have 2 little ones to care for at home and another one or 2 at school and she’s absolutely run ragged all day long .
She does all school runs which often means she is waking a little one from a nap ,she does absolutely everything to do with the children / house / garden .
her husband/ partner feels he / she doesn’t have to lift a finger because of course he / she have been out at work .
she has no family support .
now who is working harder in that situation 🤔

Or you could get a working mum with 2 or 3 kids who has to get up at the crack of dawn and rush around to sort absolutely everything, get children to childcare , has a hideous commute to work and has very busy and stressful job !
She has no paid help and her partner doesn’t help at all .
Another stay at home mum might have one child , a very helpful and supportive family and partner.
it’s absolutely obvious who is working harder in those circumstances

This is absolutely true too. I can only speak to my own experiences but just because I found my experience of being at home easier than my job, and the hardest stage of my life being work together with childcare for school age kids around school times, doesn't mean that is the case for everyone. It's very circumstantial.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/01/2025 20:22

@outofmexico

MN seem to attract people who either can't comprehend or are in denial about the whole basic point of being a SAHP which is that you want to be there for your child in the day because you think you have more to offer your child in that time, rather than someone who needs to be paid to do

It’s not that people don’t comprehend this. It’s obvious that a SAHM is with their children for more hours of the day than one who works. And many parents want to be at home but can’t for financial reasons so it’s not simply that they don’t want it enough.

The question originally posted by the OP was whether this role needed to be “valued” more appropriately.

Firstly why should this be “valued”? It’s a position of enormous privilege. There’s nothing wrong with doing it but why should people be given additional credit for taking advantage of this privilege? It doesn’t take any particular skill or require any particular sacrifice? It’s a bit like saying wealthy people should be “valued” more because they send their children to expensive selective schools. There is nothing wrong with this, but they have enough “value” without the rest of us having to admire them.

Also I simply don’t accept that more hours a day with your children automatically translates into better parenting. It’s a far more complicated equation than this.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 20:25

outofmexico · 22/01/2025 13:55

This is a thread about SAHMs and so when people come on to repeatedly say how they would find it boring / meaningless, the insinuation here is obvious. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

If you work full-time, part-time whatever you do, that's fine. Nobody cares. You don't need to justify it in 2024. Specifically, you don't need to constantly reduce the role of a SAHM to feel better about your own life. All the statements like - SAHMs do nothing that can't be squeezed into an evening; or that SAHMs must be brain dead - why do people feel such a desperate need for such twaddle to be true?

I am not even a SAHM anymore but it's very clear what certain people's agendas are on these threads and it's ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

Careers and financial independence are vital, but so is care work. I can't bear people who look down on people in caring roles as if it's beneath them. Nobody has the right to insinuate anyone else's life is meaningless for any reason. It's truly awful.

That's so last year....🙂

Babycatsmummy · 22/01/2025 20:28

Wow. I'm going back to work after 10 months maternity soon and I cannot wait. I've absolutely adored being a mum and watching my little one grow but I've also never been so bored. Some Days yes it is about washing and ironing and cleaning but it's nothing extra compared to when I was working. I just have a few extra things to add into the machine and a little human to feed! I do indeed spend most of my time playing with him or watching tv when he's sleeping. My partner and I share the cooking and he's always been the one to hoover and mop the floors.
Sorry OP but I think you need to come back down to earth

Huskytrot · 22/01/2025 20:35

Funfuninthesunsun · 21/01/2025 15:16

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

Those things don't go away because you're at work though. You still have to do all those things just in a shorter time frame. And you have your work load and the mental load associated with that too to manage.

This.

The mental load and running the house still happens.... the paid work takes place on top.

Be happy to be a SAHM... I don't care... you do you.
But don't tell me you do more than a working mum as it makes you look stupid.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 20:36

Shwish · 22/01/2025 20:10

This!.this is it in a nutshell. I get the OP was banging on about housework which pretty much ruined their argument but by the same token it's absolutely NOT TRUE that parents who work outside the home are doing all the stuff a SAHP does plus works. Of course they're not. Because the parenting during the day they're not doing!!
I work in central London I don't look after my kids during the day. They're at school. Before they were at school I did look after them all day every day. It was isolating and hard work. I find going in to work every day MUCH easier, even though I have less time to do the bloody housework!

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Well there you go you "have less time to do the bloody housework!"

Was it not easier when you had plenty of time to do it?

RedRoss86 · 22/01/2025 20:41

Being a mother is a hard job full stop.

I've recently only given up work to be a SAHM to our 3 - 12, 7 and nearly 2.
I've been working since I was 13 & full time since I was 19.
Being at home has alot of pros but also some cons.
I don't feel undervalued at all & I'd be sure to put anyone saying I have an easy day, back in their place.
(My husband has been working abroad since November with only a short break home at Christmas so life is full on).

I'm looking forward to the littlest being of school age so I can invest in myself again. Just in terms of doing courses / me time.

In terms of finances, I have my own savings account that I still save into for my 'just in case' fund.

Shwish · 22/01/2025 20:49

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 20:36

Well there you go you "have less time to do the bloody housework!"

Was it not easier when you had plenty of time to do it?

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No! The housework was easier sure. But life was much much harder. I now spend my days with other adults. I have time when I'm ME. I'm doing something I'm good at and trained for and not watching small people all day, making sure they don't kill themselves and singing nursery rhymes on repeat all day.

noodlebugz · 22/01/2025 20:57

Unless you have round the clock help - a lot of the mental load, childcare outside of nursery, nighttime wake ups, endless washing, cooking and cleaning you cite are still there and working parents still do a lot of that stuff outside of paid childcare and perhaps a weekly cleaner.
So I think you need to be careful not to make assumptions that parents who work have it easy and don’t manage all of those things - there’s only so much you can responsibly contract out
If you’re able to and it works for you that’s fine but in this day and age it’s a privilege that few can comfortabley afford or make work. (Or you’re forced into it because of p*take childcare when you’d rather not)

GiddyRobin · 22/01/2025 21:02

Tootiredmummyof3 · 22/01/2025 20:05

Have you actually read the reasons why some parents can't work ? What if it's not always as simple as just get a job then?

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Yep. Some people have issues such as kids with SEN. That isn't true for the majority, though. It's a choice not to work. If they choose not to work, I don't understand the issue; why come and complain about it and start bunfights to justify their position? I'm not starting threads whinging about how hard my life is. I chose to work and also have children.

I'm baffled why they think working parents care. They don't. Many find threads filled with complaining tedious though, especially when they're doing exactly the same thing on top of a job.

Again, if it's so difficult and working parents have it so much easier, then they're free to rejoin the workforce. Many working parents don't have the luxury of choice, either. I'm afraid I've little sympathy for someone complaining about ironing while their kids are in school and they have hours free a day. There's only so much housework one can do.

JesusandMaryChain · 22/01/2025 21:03

Surely it's about more than just time? It's about quality time which is also possible to fit in for working parents, it's just fitting it in to a smaller time frame which is harder but not impossible

It’s not the same thing.
I’m not saying this to rag on working parents but it just isn’t.
My mum worked full time throughout my childhood. She made time for us at the weekend and sometimes in the evening (but mostly evenings were a write off, they were very hectic and she worked late quite often) but it was not the same as other kids who had a mum at home full time, at all.
Parents working is the norm these days and most people are doing their very best to make sure that their kids are well looked after. The majority of mothers couldn’t stay at home full time nowadays even if they wanted to. But let’s face it, most kids if they had the option would prefer to have a sahp be the one to take care of them at home every day. You can call the time you spend with them “quality” time but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s less time, it’s on your terms, fitted around your schedule. There is a difference.

Sushu · 22/01/2025 21:07

Shwish · 22/01/2025 20:10

This!.this is it in a nutshell. I get the OP was banging on about housework which pretty much ruined their argument but by the same token it's absolutely NOT TRUE that parents who work outside the home are doing all the stuff a SAHP does plus works. Of course they're not. Because the parenting during the day they're not doing!!
I work in central London I don't look after my kids during the day. They're at school. Before they were at school I did look after them all day every day. It was isolating and hard work. I find going in to work every day MUCH easier, even though I have less time to do the bloody housework!

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A WOHM is doing roughly the same amount of housework, domestic chores and life admin stuff as a SAHM, that’s all people were saying! Nobody is stupid enough to think WOHMs are saying they do the same amount of childcare….unless they’re the rare family who do manage full time shift work around the other parent.

Your job might be easy and your kids might be hard. My job is a freaking emotional stress bomb. (I am aware there are far more stressful jobs too.) People are going on about a relaxing commute and lunch breaks. I tell you the drive around the M25 is not “me time” and I often eat a sandwich in the car in between my visits in the community. My friend drives 20 minutes to the office and almost always gets an hour in the canteen to eat a hot lunch and read a book. So, it’s good if you find working is not stressful for you, but we all have different situations. I enjoyed my maternity leaves. I’m sure I might have felt differently if I had triplets..

edit to add: I am not complaining about my job, I absolutely love it and thrive off knowing it’s different and challenging every day but it’s stressful.

phoenixrosehere · 22/01/2025 21:07

Think it depends on circumstances.

If you have a supportive partner
Family/friends able to help
Money to do activities
Options of playgroups
What your job/career is/was
Ages of child/children
Temperament of child/children

I found it way easier to be a working mum than a sahm in many ways even though DH and I have no family nearby and one of ours is sen.

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 22/01/2025 21:10

JesusandMaryChain · 22/01/2025 21:03

Surely it's about more than just time? It's about quality time which is also possible to fit in for working parents, it's just fitting it in to a smaller time frame which is harder but not impossible

It’s not the same thing.
I’m not saying this to rag on working parents but it just isn’t.
My mum worked full time throughout my childhood. She made time for us at the weekend and sometimes in the evening (but mostly evenings were a write off, they were very hectic and she worked late quite often) but it was not the same as other kids who had a mum at home full time, at all.
Parents working is the norm these days and most people are doing their very best to make sure that their kids are well looked after. The majority of mothers couldn’t stay at home full time nowadays even if they wanted to. But let’s face it, most kids if they had the option would prefer to have a sahp be the one to take care of them at home every day. You can call the time you spend with them “quality” time but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s less time, it’s on your terms, fitted around your schedule. There is a difference.

My Mum was home full time, I don’t remember her ever playing with or spending quality time with us all she did was cook and clean. It looked such a miserable existence to me I swore I would never do it and, despite strong pressure from her and others around me to give up work when I had my DC, I didn’t. I worked part time until they went to school and then full time.

Your experience isn’t everyone’s, I don’t think I got anything special or extra from having a parent at home.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 22/01/2025 21:15

Shwish · 22/01/2025 20:49

No! The housework was easier sure. But life was much much harder. I now spend my days with other adults. I have time when I'm ME. I'm doing something I'm good at and trained for and not watching small people all day, making sure they don't kill themselves and singing nursery rhymes on repeat all day.

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Flip I thought it was far easier to do things at my leisure, not have to race around trying to get everyone out in the morning, and the commute to and from work!!

Mind you I was happy not to have to do the school run in the afternoons!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/01/2025 21:17

JesusandMaryChain · 22/01/2025 21:03

Surely it's about more than just time? It's about quality time which is also possible to fit in for working parents, it's just fitting it in to a smaller time frame which is harder but not impossible

It’s not the same thing.
I’m not saying this to rag on working parents but it just isn’t.
My mum worked full time throughout my childhood. She made time for us at the weekend and sometimes in the evening (but mostly evenings were a write off, they were very hectic and she worked late quite often) but it was not the same as other kids who had a mum at home full time, at all.
Parents working is the norm these days and most people are doing their very best to make sure that their kids are well looked after. The majority of mothers couldn’t stay at home full time nowadays even if they wanted to. But let’s face it, most kids if they had the option would prefer to have a sahp be the one to take care of them at home every day. You can call the time you spend with them “quality” time but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s less time, it’s on your terms, fitted around your schedule. There is a difference.

Quality time is quality time. Every single second a SAHM spends at home with their child isn't going to be quality time so no, I don't really see the difference.

I had a SAHM throughout my childhood and it's a reason why I'd never be a SAHM myself.

Though kids don't get to decide what is best for the family anyway, they are kids. They may like the idea of a SAHP but probably don't fully understand any potential consequences, especially long term because again, they are kids and if left to make decisions based on preferences would likely eat ice cream for breakfast and never go to school as well.