AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

But no one is saying that the role of SAHM is empty and pointless. Unlike you, we're saying that we found it empty and unrewarding - hence why we work. You, on the other hand, make sprawling statements such as:

You are only left mentally empty if you have no understanding of child development

I don't care if anyone is a SAHM. I just find it incredibly dull to read these arguments all about how hard life is as a SAHM, drudgery, blah blah blah, no one values their "contribution to society", all the while attempting to make out like working parents can log out at 5pm and that's it for the day. It's nonsense.

If these SAHMs find it so difficult, then they'd be best going back to work. Problem solved.

Or you take it personally when there's no need to.

Someone explaining how they felt as a SAHM or on maternity leave doesn't mean they are reducing it to nothing.

If someone finds something empty or boring or whatever, it doesn't take away anything from the next person who feels differently. Talking about it on a thread such as this is relevant and isn't just announcing it. Should people pretend that they didn't find it boring just to please insecure SAHM's? That's just ridiculous.
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What would you think if a SAHP listening to their friend complain about how difficult it is to balance working and the children suggested that if they find it so difficult then they should just quit work and become a SAHP? I am sure you would find that insensitive and unrealistic. We all know decisions of this magnitude are based on more than whichever role you find more difficult. A working parent could find it more difficult working but also more rewarding in lots of different ways including the financial. The same can be absolutely true for a SAHP.

I find it boring how parents are pitted against each other to the point where people feel that they can't show basic empathy to another person that is having a hard time without pointing out that in their opinion they have taken the easier option. None of us have lived another person's life so we literally have no idea what they're going through. I have been a SAHP and a working parent but my experiences only reflect what it was like *me" in my specific circumstances with my specific kids, work etc. I can't make sweeping generalisations about other people because I have no idea how I would cope with twins that don't sleep or a job that is literal life or death.

It can be sensitive and unrealistic that way around because the majority of people need two salaries to survive. The other way around, in most cases, it is a choice with few exceptions.

It is also pp's point that @outofmexico is making sweeping comments such as the only reason why you'd feel empty or bored as a SAHM or on maternity leave is if you don't understand child development.

If the friend complaining about balancing work and kids was doing it constantly, then I'd understand why the SAHM suggested a change. Same as I'd understand why a working parent would suggest a SAHM go back to work.

If someone is spending their time complaining about a large aspect of their life, then of course people are going to say something or offer a solution. Personally, I don't complain about it. But that said, there's far more reason for a working parent to be working than a SAHM to be a SAHM. They're bringing a wage into their household and contributing to their family, keeping themselves financially independent and their future secure.

A SAHM isn't doing those things. So, while the SAHM would be within her rights to suggest perhaps dropping hours or looking for a different job - it still isn't the same thing. Lots of families need two working parents to survive. No one (SEN children and caring needs aside) needs to be a SAHM. Especially not when the children are in school.

This is a thread about SAHMs and so when people come on to repeatedly say how they would find it boring / meaningless, the insinuation here is obvious. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

If you work full-time, part-time whatever you do, that's fine. Nobody cares. You don't need to justify it in 2024. Specifically, you don't need to constantly reduce the role of a SAHM to feel better about your own life. All the statements like - SAHMs do nothing that can't be squeezed into an evening; or that SAHMs must be brain dead - why do people feel such a desperate need for such twaddle to be true?

I am not even a SAHM anymore but it's very clear what certain people's agendas are on these threads and it's ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

Careers and financial independence are vital, but so is care work. I can't bear people who look down on people in caring roles as if it's beneath them. Nobody has the right to insinuate anyone else's life is meaningless for any reason. It's truly awful.

Literally no one is doing that. Yet again you seem to fail to grasp what's being written; I'm not sure why you're struggling with it so much. Let me try one last time:

Working parents don't care what SAHMs do. We do find it dull to hear the same arguments tossed out about how hard the cleaning and cooking is, life admin, school runs, playdates, homework, shopping - when we do that on top of working and spending quality time with our kids. If my child is sick, then they're at home while we try to juggle work. If the school calls, we have to sort that out.

It doesn't get to 5pm and the world screeches to a halt and we're knocking back mojitos in the garden. We're also not complaining about it because that's life! We chose to have kids and chose to work.

These SAHMs chose to have kids and chose not to work. If they don't like it then the option to rejoin the workforce is right there. Instead, some decide to complain bitterly and make out that their "job" is harder than working parents. They're not complaining about the childrearing for the most part, they're complaining about the every day facets of life like laundry and meal prep, as though that's a SAHM only designated task.

I've been at home with two kids on my maternity leave. It wasn't difficult. It was just dull. I wasn't stressed by every day tasks or having to play with my kids, I was just bored shitless of the same thing day in and day out because I have other aspects to my personality that aren't just "Mum". I don't complain about how busy I am because this is my choice. I love my job and I love my kids. I'm choosing to have both.

It's a thread that the OP dumped and is watching rubbing their hands with glee.

Where have I once complained about doing laundry or housework @GiddyRobin ?

My argument is the exact opposite - I'm saying that housework and that type of stuff is a separate issue to the point and purpose of being a SAHM.

Working or not, if you think the housework is getting you down, then get help in or whatever you need to do, I don't know.

Oh my God. 🤦‍♀️ I didn't say you did! I'm speaking broadly.

I actually don't see the point in even replying to you because you keep missing the very clear and salient points everyone has been making, going back pages. Don't know if it's on purpose or you're just not reading the comments properly.

Either way, I'm out. I don't have to repeat myself to my DC this much!

Well you keep asking me to respond to statements that are irrelevant.

People, working or SAHM or anyone one, will moan about housework sometimes. So what?

They're not irrelevant statements if you actually read my post in context. But I can't be bothered explaining again; you're doing the same thing you did yesterday when you tried to act like having a live in nanny was the norm for FT working parents. It's just not based in reality, nothing you say is.

It's just daft, so I'll contribute to comments from others but this is my last to you.

You are the one misunderstanding, taking my comments personally and twisting them out of context. But it's ok.

That's just how you are taking it.

Exactly. It's a thread about being a SAHM so people are going to discuss it, including the fact that they wouldn't do it and why. You just can't seem to grasp the fact that saying that doesn't take anything away from those who are SAHM's and enjoy it.

You also don't need to lecture us about care work. We take care of our children too so how do we look down on people who take care of children? No one has insinuated that anyone else's life is meaningless. No one.

Come on @SouthLondonMum22 .

I'm not the one who needs to come on here.

There's nothing personal about saying you don't want to be a SAHM because you'd find it boring. It doesn't mean you think SAHM's have lives with no meaning, it means that if I was a SAHM, I would feel unfulfilled because people are different. How hard is it to understand that?

Talk about taking things personally.

I'm not taking anything remotely personally because I'm not a SAHM.

It's just very obvious to me when people are projecting their own personal insecurities on forums about SAHMs. I suppose that's the nature of the internet and the society we live in. Anyway, working women shouldn't feel insecure in the first place.

I am actually on here avoiding doing my 'oh-so-very-fulfilling, multi-faceted and most definitely never dull work of the non-child-related variety'. I suspect other posters are too - procrastinating and escaping from these fabulous careers we all have. I have to get on with it now though.

You used to be one though. You wouldn't have to tell me for me to know that, it's obvious.

I'm not insecure about working at all. I happily went back to work by choice when mine were 12 weeks old. I don't get any of this 'mum guilt' we're supposed to get.

I was a working mum for 10 years. Gave up work when I had my 4th child and now I'm full time sahm ... not going to lie, it IS easier than juggling both!

Would that I could…! If I had someone rich enough I would stay home. House would be spotless, I’d be bored stupid. And wouldn’t want to be beholden to a spouse for my upkeep. Particularly as you say partner; you’ll be left with nothing if something goes wrong.

Single parents, male or female, HAVE to do it all… none of us clock off from being parents, we are still ‘full time Mummies’! 🤪

I’d love to not work and be funded to go travelling; now that would be amazing if there are any benefactors out there?

Imagine having to go to work 5 days a week, be a parent AND do all of the chores you’ve just mentioned - which is the case for most working parents. It’s not a competition of course and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but it’s a luxury that many people can’t afford and is definitely easier than being a working parent imo. That’s not to say SAHMs don’t work hard, but most working mums/parents have to do all of the stuff you’ve mentioned with an additional however many hours of work on top. They don’t stop being a parent or having to do chores just because they have a job outside of the home. Btw I’m saying that as someone that has done both!

Childcare (or any sort of care) is undervalued whoever is doing it. (And daytime- or working hours- childcare is the "extra" that SAHM are doing, rather than cleaning, cooking and admin which are things that everyone does)

Government funding for all the "free nursery places" doesn't stack up, nursery workers are often on minimum wage, ratios are mooted to go up...., nurseries are closing because they can't make the figures work...

Au pairs are notoriously poorly paid, childminders are not well paid, often nannies are expected to do way longer than a standard working week.....

Basically no one is really valued for childcare probably because its done predominantly by women

Being a SAHM is a lifestyle choice for those who are in the lucky position to do so. What many SAHM seem to forget is that working mothers do everything that a SAHM does and work (many full time) as well. Having been a full time working mother, without family support (jobs resulted in DH and I having to move long way from family), I would stay stop moaning if you are in the fortunate position of being a SAHM and enjoy it!

Do you think FT working parents have fairies to do all the stuff you do? We do all that too plus our 40 hours of work and commute. So yes I do think it is far easier to be a SAHM than a Working mum (having been a SAHM for 3 years). I don’t think you are lazy or that either choice is right or wrong but it’s categorically easier because the sum total of what you do is less than the total of what a working mum does.

@Fizbosshoes you're totally right that in the financial sense childcare is massively undervalued. Childminders, nannies, and indeed everyone in a caring role is disgracefully underpaid. I completely agree with this sentiment. That's a broader question about capitalism and how it values people and what they do: a lot of it is about scarcity: the rarer your skill-set is, the more likely you are to be paid well. Caring for vulnerable individuals requires a great deal of patience, empathy and thought, but it isn't a skill-set that requires years of study or experience.

But the question was posed here (and on other threads) more from a societal/moral perspective, and here you get into more murky territory: because when someone says "SAHMs are undervalued," the implication is that SAHMs are making some sort of sacrifice for the benefit of society and, as has been said before on here, I don't think that argument stands up to scrutiny.

Deciding not to work to care for your children may be the right decision but its essentially a selfish one: it's done for the benefit of your family, not on behalf of your community or society. While I think people should be respectful of this, it comes from a position of privilege and I don't think it should be financially rewarded or socially incentivised.