Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I'm kind of confused on if he wants you there so soon, why he will be annoyed if you arrive tomorrow rather than Thursday.

I'm also confused why you can't make your own mind up about how you get to the destination. If a flight is an option that would be easier, why can't you just book a flight? Why do you need his permission?

The whole thing is odd. There is no way I'd be shifting my baby somehwhere so remote to live for a month. And yes, I do understand what its like to lose a parent. Well, both actually. Grief is not an excuse to be an asshole.

Where actually is it @Charlottef94 ? Orkney, Shetland, Western Isles? You could fly to all of those via a connection at Glasgow or Edinburgh. If it's a more remote isle then you could still fly some of the way. You could maybe also consider the overnight sleeper from London to Inverness (or Fort William).

This is absolute nonsense. Of course your husband is not going to divorce you, you have every right not to want to drive a 12 hour journey with a baby! There’s no way i’d go despite the circumstances. Unless i’m not understanding, a young baby shouldn’t be going to a funeral anyway??

Also, don't walk in the direction of the cliff edge. Walk the other way.

And perhaps stop basing rather big decisions on assumptions. You don't know your husband will be working because he hasn't said he will. And you don't know your nephew won't be kept off school for the funeral.

Tomorrow is the only day the DH can’t do, he’s taking his father to the funeral director to arrange the funeral.
It seems out of all the days it’s the only day OP will travel, which doesn’t seem too reasonable.

I've lost a parent, there is no way I would have put so much pressure on my spouse that they might lose their job, if they had to be away from work for a month (if the roles were reversed in this example). I wouldn't want my young baby to have to travel so far, that would just put more worry on me in an already stressful situation, especially if the weather forecast was shit.

Just a gentle reminder to a few MN’s comments I’ve seen on here

4 months pp is nothing, some woman struggle with PND. Telling OP “it’s just a 4 month old” “what fort are you holding up”

Is so unfair to so many woman who have struggled.

My friend had birth trauma and PND and couldn’t leave the house until month 5-6.

Imagine having birth and PND anxiety and being told to get ferries and train with your tiny baby who won’t sleep well at night at 16 weeks pp on a 12 hour journey. With storm warnings at the end of the week too.

I can say hand on heart my DH would never, ever put this pressure on me.

Babies actually live and thrive in remote places you know. Small communities are also often good at helping out if someone needs a stroller or a bouncy chair etc, which they couldn't bring with them from home.

OP hasn't said she has PND, or anything else, though.

@BeLilacSloth Unless i’m not understanding, a young baby shouldn’t be going to a funeral anyway??

There is no rule whatsoever that says a baby shouldn’t be at a funeral.

Babies and children have welcomed and encouraged at all funerals on my or my DH’s side. Including my MIL’s funeral which was hours away from me when baby was 9 months old.

A power play? Or as she has already explained, there are weather warnings later in the week.

Again, culture. It takes work and understanding but it’s worth it.

@LaurieFairyCake i will never be able to read your posts the same way again

@NormaleKartoffeln wouldn't have put pressure like that on me PND or no PND

Your whatabouttery is nuts. OP is not currently working. The DH isn’t putting so much pressure on her that she “might lose her job”.

If the baby is so difficult right now surely it would be better to parent with her DH rather than alone for weeks anyway?

I doubt it. The expectation is usually of the woman.

But a baby crying throughout the funeral surely wouldn’t be ideal?
Also a young child with understanding would surely find a funeral really upsetting?

No, I don’t subscribe to the idea that funerals are only for adults.
Everyone finds funerals upsetting, hiding children away from funerals doesn’t remove the experience they’ve had with death. The cultural process of a funeral is a key part of grief for many people, it’s literally the reason they exist.
Your experience is not the only one, clearly OP’s in-laws and DH don’t sit on your side of the fence either.

He’s not asking her to drive! And tbh if it was my husband I’d move heaven and earth to support him at such an awful time. At 4 months babies still sleep most of the so a sling will be absolutely fine!

I know, I really admire her posts on
this thread. One of the few good ones.

Wow.

Perhaps you are lucky to have not lost a parent yet, but when I did my child was quite young and the last thing I had in my mind was the child as the grief is just so huge. You really need to be more accommodating and supportive of your husband. Baby vaccines being postponed is not the end of the world. Also a 10 hour journey is actually not so bad.

Whataboutery. That isn't the situation here.

The situation here is that the OP is able to go and its important to her partner/family that she does go. I would go in that situation as would my DH have done. We both would have done whatever possible to be available (including extra trips) to be there for the other if we were not able to take more time off work or WFH. In this case I would fly to the closest regional airport and get local advice on flight vs ferry for the final leg. I would also travel tomorrow if that worked better for me.

Its what families do for each other - you can't expect family to be there for you its too much trouble to be there for them.

Genuinely no idea what you’re taking issue with.

Is it brand new information to you that many areas, cultures and religions involve children in funerals?

Well lucky that his wife has been supportive and taken sole charge of the baby, isn’t it? Allowing him to 100% support his father.