Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

You better stay away from Irish funerals then because the children will be eating their sandwiches and playing with their toys on the floor with the coffin 2ft away in the window!

Surely if you go tomorrow-you won't be there that early that you can't be collected from the local airport at 5ish? Even if you arrive say 3pm and had a coffee in waiting room?

They won't be busy with funeral director all day.

The support is one thing, but I do think it's legitimate to question why he's putting seemingly unnecessary obstacles in her way.

What's it to him whether she travels up by rail or air?

A 12-hour journey as a sleep-deprived mum toting a sleep-regressed 4-month-old would be one hell of an odyssey even without PND, post-birth injury or other complications of this sort. And I'm coming from a place where yes, I would prioritise the bereaved for a time, unless complications, physical issues, losing my job etc., made doing so impossible.

OP's DH, irrespective of his awful bereavement, isn't exactly making this viable for her.

Your baby is the priority and, by extension, you are too. The fact that you live so far from the ILs unfortunately means that making the journey with a baby happens to be risky. There is so much that can go badly wrong - delays, accidents, weather, illness. This is an unreasonable ask. These adults should process their grief without putting your baby at risk or inconvenience. The minimum expectation should be your DH returning to make the journey with you, and timing things to combine the trip with the funeral. My family have lost immediate family members under terrible circumstances, as well as critical health crises etc over long distances. We have never expected anyone with children of any age to disrupt their routine unduly.

Which is fine, if that's how you're used to living but the OP has said she feels it's too dangerous to even go for a walk. Plus just simply being away from your own space for such a long time with a new baby (unless for medical reasons, etc) sounds awful to me. That doesn't seem to bother OP so it's irrelevant, I just can't quite get my head around that. It all sounds stressful and high pressure.

The last thing on your mind was the child?

Grief for a parent shouldn’t eradicate concern for the child or the human race would go extinct.

OP is saying her DH will likely refuse to pick her up.

I'm in agreement with the PP. Funerals are family occasions and all the family have the right to be there.

I went to many funerals as a child as did mine - you cannot "shield" a child from death and we shouldn't.

By taking them to the funeral and the wake/get together we also show them that sometimes we are sad and that is ok. Also that its good to talk about the person we have lost and remember them with our family and friends.

Its a damned sight healthier to share and show how to manage than the trend to keep children away from funerals and "protect" them from a normal part of every day life.

You have your opinion. I have mine. I wouldn’t take a young baby or child to a funeral. It’s not fair on them or everybody else there grieving.

I'm not sure how it's more dangerous to go for a walk in a remote location tbh. We don't know exactly where it is though, so hard to offer a sensible solution. I get that it's a change but her OH maybe just needs her support.

OP hasn’t said her DH has refused or is “likely to refuse” to pick her up. She has merely said she is going to go tomorrow even though her DH has explained he is at the funeral directors tomorrow and has asked her to come on Thursday.

If the grandson is Scottish he won't have a problem getting off school (though he might not want to if exams etc). There's no fines in Scotland for absence

OP’s FIL has made it clear he is happy for his wife’s grandchildren to attend her funeral. Your notion of what is or isn’t fair is irrelevant.

But yet, many people love a baby at a funeral. You can't categorically state it's not fair on the mourners when so many would be pleased.

Nice....no affection,listening ear, comfort or hand holding until the funeral and only then if baby allows if she really must.....I wonder if the answer would be as uncaring if it was a woman's bereavement? Oh but he's looking after the kids and there on the day get on with it woman....

We had two 2 year olds at my husbands funeral - no trouble at all and very welcome

I think this is one of those times in life when you do just have to suck it up.

It is not a situation anyone would choose. Baby in sleep regression, long journey, expectations to travel... but you do need to be there support your family, maybe even get some help from them to look after the baby a bit too. I took DC2 to funerals at 6 and 8 months old and was told they were a welcome distraction (one funeral involved an 8 hour drive broken up by a ferry journey too).

If you talk to your DH you can figure out the options more. Ask how everyone there would be with the baby crying a lot - they may suggest you leave it until closer to the funeral to travel if the crying is going to be too much.

In your shoes, I would pack up and go by train for the long haul. Train means you can carry more stuff (assuming the return journey with your DH will be by car). And organise someone to collect you on their end, doesn't need to be your DH. At family funerals I've been to, anyone with a car has picked up any family member from the station or airport.

The walking outside, I think you know is a bit dramatic. Take a sling and you'll be fine.

I echo want others have said about cultural differences too - the community may well want to support and welcome you and other members of the extended family and if you aren't there, then it can be unusual. I know from a funeral I went to, the granddaughter-in-law didn't travel and it was very much noted. There is an expectation to pay your respects even if it is hard or a lengthy journey. No funeral is easy!

Who's car are you going in op? You say don't drive.

I am so glad my husband was kind and considerate when my Mum died.

Very sorry to hear that 🥺 I obviously have no problem with attending a Dad’s funeral

for some reason he is adamant that I take 2 trains + ferry route and isn't keen for me to fly.

Bereaved or not, he can wind his neck in on that one. A short flight will be infinitely more tolerable than a 12-hour journey with a tiny baby.

How can she lend him a listening ear when he’s refusing to speak to her because she stayed back to take baby for her jabs?

I wonder if the answer would be as uncaring if it was a woman's bereavement? Oh but he's looking after the kids and there on the day get on with it woman....

If it was woman’s bereavement much less would be expected of him, he would be absolutely lauded for taking care of the baby all by himself for weeks.

I suppose the fear is of the cliff crumbling, which isn't unusual!
A walk 'in the countryside' is still usually along an actual footpath. Not sure where you live but I've never seen anyone pushing a pram literally through the middle of a wood or field.
I think people are being very harsh on OP, and possibly not understanding what 'very rural' means. Have people honestly never driven through narrow country lanes, as I assume that's what OP means?
No pavements, blind bends that cars can come round (legally) at 60mph, very rough terrain with mud, stones, pebbles - hardly a nice walk for a baby. It's a pram, not a quad bike!

OP absolutely needs to be with her DH but her DH also needs to give at least some indication of what the plans are. 'Come to the middle of nowhere, travelling via ferry with a baby during a storm, for up to 3 weeks to stay with an unspecified number of people,' isn't very helpful. Apart from anything else 3 weeks worth of stuff for OP and baby is a hell of a lot to transport via train and ferry with multiple changes.

If he's okay enough to start thinking about going back to work and presumably planning a funeral then he's got enough capacity to make some firm plans to help OP and HIS child. He doesn't have to plan everything down to the last detail, literally just work out with his dad when they want the funeral to be - either asap, or wait until half term. Then OP can work out whether it's worth her coming up and going back or not.

I know the kind of place you’re talking about. I wouldn’t spend a month there either.

Fly out this week. Come back next week flying. Spend two / 3 weeks at home and fly out for a week for the funeral.

How long did he stay with you at your parents house?