Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Wonder if the DH would do the same if it was OP's parent who died. If she hadn't been on maternity leave would he have expected her to drop everything so she could be there for a month?

The 12 hour trip could presumably be broken up into 2 shorter trips with a stay in a budget hotel en route. Alternatively, could OP fly some of the way?

My advice to the OP had nothing to do with her sex, or the sex of her DP. Marriage (or long term relationships) are sometimes about putting the other person first and imo, this is one of those times.

At 4 months post partum I was in a terrible state. Extremely sleep deprived and still in pain, as there had been complications with the birth. I was also struggling mentally. I could not have done multiple 12 hour trips.

It is devastating when a parent dies, but once you have your own child, life just has to gone on.
The distance is too much to ask repeatedly, if you can do it at all (I wouldn't have been able to).

So really it depends on your own situation.

It is very sad. And very bad timing. But you are also in an exceptional circumstance just now and you have to allow yourself to do what's best for you and baby.

There's something really smart in this response which acknowledges the cultural differences that may be at play here. But I'd add two things to it; one is that because you're going to a place where death customs may be pretty different to what you're used to, you may not realise quite how much it matters that you are there. It really really matters to family and community - and your absence will be noted, remembered, and potentially a cause for shame to your husband and his wider family. So it's not just to support him that you need to be there, but to secure your place, and your little family's place, in the community in the future. And second, it's by being there through difficult times like this and taking part in social rituals that you learn to understand more about how the community and its culture and values work, how much it has to offer, and how much you might gain from taking your proper place and taking part in it. You might find, if you can get yourself together to get there, that it becomes a hugely enriching experience, not just a difficult one.

Flights and sailings can often be cancelled in bad weather, but the weather warnings are for later in the week.

No it’s not at all. You can’t keep a baby in a car seat for 12 hours straight, but that’s not even what’s happening here. There certainly aren’t any direct nhs guidelines telling parents not to go on a 12 hour journey with a baby.

She doesn't drive, the kid won't be in a car seat.

@OhBuggerandArse would culture expect the same of a man. So if OP's mum was the one who had died in that culture, would her husband be expected to travel up with a baby for a month? If the DH couldn't WFH would he be expected to not go to work for a month?

This. I’m as feminist as they come but this post has absolutely nothing to do with the sex of the parties involved and my views would be exactly the same if they were reversed. If a husband on here refused to support his wife after a close family bereavement, there would be outrage and “LTB”.

Sorry op but your posts definitely give a vibe of overdramatising / finding obstacles / all about you / martyrdom. You have one 4 month old that’s it.

Your DH has lost his mum. I get your in laws live very remotely but put your big girl pants on and sort it out. Don’t be bringing your problems to your DH just get on with it.

Having lost my mum when my baby was 11 months I know what it’s like to have a partner who just wasn’t super helpful. Just bite your tongue if you feel a woe is me statement coming out even if you feel you aren’t making a point by it. Trust me it will feel like that. Think about what you are seeking to achieve by saying it, chances are it’s to try and subconsciously compete with how tough it is for him.

I’m divorced from my deeply inempathetic H now after a similarly self centred reaction to another loss much further down the line.

I guess we won't know the answer to this but if I didn't think my DP would be there for me when my mum died, i'd be calling it a day, not having a child with him. If the OP thinks he wouldn't do this for her and he is expecting her to do it for him then obviously they have serious problems.

@Charlottef94 cant understand how he wants you there asap but is demanding you take 2 trains and a ferry! is it the outer hebrides?? the ferries are rubbish and rarely work. how did he get there? which do you prefer, jump on the plane first plane to aberdeen then ferry or or two really slow trains up the west coast then hopefully a working ferry?

I think you're being massively unreasonable, yes.

Firstly a baby doesn't generally need a few days to get over routine vaccinations.

Secondly, his mother died last week and he's repeatedly asked you to be with him yet you're still at home? In all honesty I'm not sure I'd get past that. I had a very close family member die and my husband moved heaven and earth to do everything I needed.

And lastly the journey will be 12 hours whether you make it now, next week or next month. A baby is quite portable really.

I'm also not sure what it is that you're holding together with 1 small baby at home.

Your husband is unreasonable in trying to dictate the mode of travel, however.

Yes

There are few times when I would ever advise women to kowtow to men's demands and consistently put their own needs last. In fact, it's a particular bugbear of mine and I've been pretty vociferous about it on more than one thread.

There will have to be compromises, because as parents of a 4-month-old baby, that child's needs will always have to come first. A 12-hour train journey just isn't feasible with an exhausted mum in the middle of the horrible 4-month sleep regression.

But if it's possible to fly, and get there as painlessly as possible, then in OP's shoes I would do that. And anyone who's ever conversed with me here will know I'm not the 'all hail the penis' variety of woman.

When someone has significant a bereavement as this, then this is one of the occasions when I would priorise their needs (second to the baby's) over my own for a time.

I've lost both parents. It really is a terrible experience.

I'm defence of op, 16 weeks was about the point when I was crying in the night saying the babies hated me and only cried in the night to punish me. 10 to 16 weeks was an absolutely hell. If I'd had to do that without DH's help or support it would have been harder.

And then on that little sleep to drive from say
8am-10 and break, 10.30-12.30 break and lunch, 1.30pm-3.30 and break, 4-6 break bad dinner, 7-9 and break, 9.30-11.30 pm before the ferry?

And that's without traffic, puking babies, poonamis, queues at services, road works or weather. And then she's potentially sleeping in the car until the ferry arrives. She should go, but she shouldn't be expected to drive it.

If you don't drive, is your husband planning on driving all the way back to pick you up? I'd be worried about him driving all that distance when he's likely to be exhausted and not in the best state of mind.

Echoing what pps have said, find an alternative way of travelling. Your DH may have to be a little bit patient with you as you'll probably need to make the journey over a couple of days. There's nothing wrong with him wanting you with him sooner rather than later, but he does have other family around him, so he's not completely alone.

No, unless they had that much compassionate leave ... But this is useless whataboutery. That isn't what is happening here, so it's irrelevant. Details matter. If the husband was on parental leave/could WFH , yes absolutely he'd be expected to do the same, that's what married people/partners should do.

Oh don't be ridiculous its not about the sex in this situation or about the assertiveness of the OP. Its about supporting your partner and your wider family at a difficult time.

They have asked the OP to go up. Any partner in this scenario has a choice - they can either put themselves first and stay put or they can put the feelings of their partner and family first and suck it up. A close death is one of those situations where most adults put themselves second and defer to the needs of the family - those same people who in turn support us at difficult times.

As for "controlling" - where is the controlling? According to the OP their DH has said what the FiL would like and that he doesn't like flying. She isn't being locked up.
The OP hasn't answered the questions about flying (which may be specific to the local flight) and most PPs including me have said choose your on travel method and be a bit flexible on timing. At this stage of grief things change rapidly and in a week's time the FiL is quite possibly going to prefer time alone and have the family back for the funeral.

Do you not have walking boots if your in laws live in this kind of location? Get the baby in a sling and go for wild walks, it’ll do them good and being stimulated by the environment will help them sleep!

Definitely book a flight. I flew to visit my sister in Manila when my LO was 4 months. Two long flights there and two back. Can’t really remember it being difficult so presumably it wasn’t. And my LO didn’t sleep at all for 2 years never mind during a “regression”. He’s 27 months now and finally sleeps 8pm to 6am :)

Really cannot understand why you wouldn’t just fly.

Also the not getting out a walk thing is madness. If it’s remote them I’m sure it’s surrounded by lots of gorgeous scenery to walk in. Put the baby in the carrier and off you pop.

I totally get that being a FTM feels very overwhelming but I promise you will look back on all of this and go my god why did I make such a fuss.

Yes, I would expect my DH to support me in the way I needed after losing a parent.

If you couldn’t expect that from a spouse why are you even together? It’s got approximately fuck all to do with who is male or female.

@OhBuggerandArse so people would be potentially expected to lose their job (many places of work only allow 2 days compassionate leave for death of parent) for the sake of culture