Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Im guessing people who live remotely are prepared for living remotely and have the necessary clothing etc, especially if the weather is going to be bad as forecast. Depending where OP lives, this might not be the case. Maybe they have a pram that is great for cities, not so much rugged terrain.

If the weather forecast was going to be shit, even in his saddest moments I am sure DH would want to ensure baby was in the best place, and that might not be on a remote island after 12 hour journey.

Weather warnings don't even kick in till Friday: https://www.traffic.gov.scot/traffic-information/weather

tbh I did a 7 hour with a 4 month old and he just slept in the car the whole way. I do think you are making excuses but I also see how demanding your husband is being.

I think you have to do what is sensible OP.
It seems to me that your DH isn’t thinking straight for now so you have to be the strong and sensible one.
Your DH is there with your FIL
And your SiL is there with her DF.
They are the ones to be making arrangements and sorting personal stuff out, not you.
It’s not like DH or FIL are there grieving alone. They aren’t helpless as adults. They can support and care for each other surely until you feel it’s sensible to make the journey. In a remote place surely that’s expected.

You happen to have ended up the wrong place at the wrong time which isn’t your fault at all. Your instinct is to protect your baby and yourself which he doesn’t seem able to take into account at the moment. I’m sure you are available to face time when he needs you.

It’s a massive undertaking to get there again when you have only just got back. Winter can be harsh if it’s Scotland. If there is bad weather forecast then it is sensible not to attempt that long a journey to a remote place on your own with a four month old and very little sleep.

My instinct would be to wait out the bad weather and make plans to go 2 weeks early for the funeral so that you only have to make the trip once.
Twelve hours travel in one go is a lot for a 4 month old if it’s not a one off and if it’s not urgent. Add to that the weather risk and you would be wise to avoid it at least until the risk is over.

Right but if she doesn't go and her husband decides he can't forgive her for not being there for him when his mum died and divorces her. Is that best for baby?

He could then take her baby to see his dad without her whenever he has Them

That is a really dreadful excuse! Raincoats, etc, are readily available in shops. And for delivery, even on islands. And most households (especially in the islands) will have spares, left behind by others or kept on purpose.

wow!
i’ve heard everything now

I'm guessing that it's either Orkney, Shetland or the Western Isles. There are storm warnings for Friday onwards, so if you are going it needs to be soon. I think you are entirely right to want to fly, if only because the plane will often land when the ferries are cancelled. Western Isles ferries are notoriously unreliable, and I believe Orkney is having problems too.

I understand your fears, I really do. My BIL died on the mainland when my oldest child was about 5 months old and I REALLY didn't want to go. It was expensive and we had very little money, I barely knew anyone and was breastfeeding, and a thousand other things caused me huge anxiety. But I went. It wasn't fun, I was doing most of the baby work in a strange place with strange people, I had raging PND and my normally placid baby was a screaming nightmare. That's without BIL2 and his alcoholism, family fighting over the estates of people long dead, and my parents being annoyed about me missing a major family event. Going was the right thing, though.

It's fine to feel less than enthusiastic about a long, difficult journey. It's perfectly understandable that you will feel like a fish out of water, especially if you are going to a Gaelic-speaking area, where the traditions around death are not what you are used to. But I think you will see that the right thing to do is to go, while doing everything you can to make the whole thing as painless as possible. Book plane tickets, make sure you have a sling for the baby. You could ask your FIL for help with ideas to keep the baby happy during the day, and maybe you and the baby could visit the neighbours with him. It would distract him, and mean that you weren't cooped up all the time.

i presume orkney/shetland- driving insane- just book the flights (of which i think there will still be 2...) and if nowhere to go, you won't need a car... or western isles...

Never mind what your Dh thinks about the best route for you, think for yourself. What is best for you and baby? He needs you and baby there. Losing a parent whether expected or not is a life experience which can rock you to the core.

In the kindest possible way, you need to grow up a bit. You have to combine alll sorts of tricky things as a parent.

She doesn't drive, she's not doing a 12 hr drive.

I don't understand why DH is deciding how you travel? Just book the flights and arrange a car. Then whilst you might not be able to go for walks as he lives on top of a cliff, you will have a car to drive if you need a change of scenery.

Or if you're not intending to go, be honest with him now instead of dragging it out until it's too late to go. You need to manage his expectations in this one

OP I know you've now said you're going to go tomorrow - good. To all the people saying he doesn't get to dictate how you travel - I completely agree, and just putting out there that he may have suggested the train and ferry route as someone speaking from experience who has made that particular journey more frequently than the OP. He may not and she may still prefer to fly (I probably would) but just putting out there that he's just suggesting what he considers to be the best/easiest/least likely to be disrupted mode of transport.

But I think it's just one of those things OP that you just have to suck up and put on a bright face to support your DH AND your FIL. I know it's tough with a v young baby. But trust me, losing a parent is completely awful. Your DH is grieving and also trying to support your FIL and the other thing is there's this shit ton of shitty 'death admin' to do, at a time when you really don't feel like doing it. I can also completely understand why both your DH and your FIL would like the joy that babies and children will bring just from being around, at this time.

Honestly my DH was such a rock for me when my DF died, but also for my DM and DB - it was nice just having another person around and on hand who was slightly less sad, albeit sad nonetheless, to support us. I love him all the more for it, and as others have said, I would really struggle to see past it if he hadn't been there for me. Unfortunately you just don't really know how it is until you've lost a parent, so I say this kindly not to have a go, just put on a brave face and be there with baby to support your DH and FIL in whatever way they need, it's currently about them not you. It will be a bit shit, the journey will be long and tiring, you may be a bit bored at times, it is, unfortunately, just a rubbish time all round right now, just one of those things.

If you don’t travel in the next couple of days you may not get in - there’s a storm due on Friday

@faffadoodledo the same could be said about DH, yes he is grieving, but he is also a parent, so him saying he doesn't want OP to fly isn't showing himself as a great parent. Is he thinking what is best for his child?

She doesn’t drive.

People die. You can't bring them back. The living can support the bereaved in different ways at different times. We also have a particular duty to the very very young whose needs are immediate. It's quite possible to support a partner and a parent-in-law via phonecalls, Zoom etc. There seems to be a sentimental idea that if everyone can be brought to the same place - the united family - then all will be well.

The reality is everyone is crammed together in some chilly, cramped Scottish croft miles away from the one shop - so it's a major headache if supplies of Calpol or nappies run out, and that's supposing the ferries run if they are meant to, it's not going to be a very healing experience.

It sounds to me as if the husband is dealing with grief by being angry and controlling and directing it at his wife. Women are allowed to independently balance the needs of the people in their lives and - shock, horror - say no to men.

I agree with this.

I can’t believe how the usually phlegmatic, unflappable, mumsnetters here are all on fire that the dh must have his needs catered to because his mother died after a terminal illness.

OP is a mother too. She is looking after a four month old. She seems from her pists to be young, anxious, and ranked very low i the household. Neither her needs nor the baby’s needs are even considered.

A stronger, more assertive, person would feel able to say “let me know when the funeral is planned. Baby and I will fly up and be there on either side for x number of days. Then we will come back.” Done.

The baby isn’t prozac for grieving people, nor is he part of a matched litter with the other grandchildren to symbolically be assembled with his employee/nanny in tow.

Its obvious that the family is going through a mad grieving process in which the children (dh and hiscsibs) are overreacting to the loss if MIL and anxiety that the grandfather is now living alone in such isolation but this is non rational. OP can’t fix this. The baby won’t fix this. Two trains and buses won’t fix this.

She needs to do what is right for all if them. Within reason. DH’s grief doesn’t excuse his treatment of OP and the baby as props.

The death of a parent is a devastating experience. Failing to step up when it matters most might be the way for the rot to start setting into a marriage, and I wouldn't be prepared to risk that. Also, people behave irrationally when grieving and I'd cut him a lot of slack for this.

The means by which you travel have to be those in the best interests of you and the baby, and you are the one best-placed to judge that. Flying seems to be the common-sense option if possible. And if you present that as a done-deal, then it's one less thing for him to have to worry about.

Take plenty of reading material etc so you won't be bored. The four-month sleep regression is also gruelling, and with so many people around you might be able to snatch some opportunities to catch up with your own sleep. I'd also have my binoculars with me so I could go out birdwatching and wildlife spotting! Personally, I think the setting of their home sounds idyllic. Make of it what you can.

I'm sorry about the death of your mother-in-law.

💯

One of the few measured voices on this thread of forcing women to put men first.

It is actually against nhs advice to do a 12h trip with a 4 month old baby if they will be seated during that time.

I completely disagree with most here. Parents passing is a sad part of life and whilst it's good your dh made it up to Scotland, he cannot reasonably expect you to follow. I don't know any sensible people who would expect this.

In the kindest possible way @Charlottef94 it's not all about you. The poor man is grieving and you're just, well, moaning. Support him.

Wow, some people really think taking care of, and travelling with a baby is a massive deal.

Given that everyone is assuming it’s Scotland, then you absolutely can just walk in fields. The Right to Roam allows you to walk just about anywhere.

Yes, not great to be putting a small baby through that, to placate a sulking man not talking to his wife.