Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Whatever you do please don't follow this advice

What would of happened if this was your mother op?

He's from a different time. He obviously loves his grandchildren. A lot of men don't normally get hands on with babies. Maybe he wanted more involvement when his own children were small. They grow up so fast. I wouldn't look too much into it as long as he's not upsetting your baby. Try and get some pictures so later your children can look at them with joy.

I am sorry to hear about your husband's mum. Try your best to support him. Go at your pace not his. He is obviously grieving and not thinking properly. Try and be patient with him.

@Esdale This⬆️

I think you’re being unfair. He is grieving his mom, he most likely needs you too. And surely a 4 month old baby wouldn’t be unsettled in different surroundings, I think you’re being dramatic. At least if you’re up there he can help with the baby too.
apart from the long drive I can’t really see your problem, I’d move heaven and earth to be with my partner at such an awful time. It’s sounds more like you don’t want to go but you are using the baby as an excuse.
Personally would book a cheap travel lodge half way so you can break the journey in two.

Yep, that’s what I thought….no one needs to drive 12 hours. There’s no train journey that takes 12 hours in uk unless ferries to remote islands are needed onwards. Quick Look says lands end to Stornaway is 17 hours drive.
either she’s not in uk, or this is a tadge of exaggeration!

HOWEVER, even if it was 8 hours that’s still a heck of a journey and daunting by yourself with 4 month child. Although I suspect the 1000s of people flying to their holidays with a 4 month child sort of forget that given the reward at the end 🙂‍↕️

Op is going to book a plane flight rather than two trains and a ferry. She plans on getting on a plane and then a taxi. I don't think the op posted about the journey she was taking until that poster posted. The op did say she can't drive so there will be no 12 hour car journey.

She can't drive

So, a 4hr round trip is too much for DH, but 12 hrs ok for you!

She can't drive I think she says it in post 3 or 4.

Just reading the updates your husband is being a bit unreasonable, he has to accept he’ll need to deal with some things on his own, considering you are a new mum. Do the journey in a way you feel comfortable and safe with your baby. Hope you find a compromise.

People know there is NO DRIVE INVOLVED right! It's either travelling on train + ferry or plane. The OP doesn't drive. Baby will not be in a car seat at all.

@Ladyingreen999 how is 12 hours of looking after a baby without sleeping unhealthy. Most mums don't get a nap every day, and with baby 2+ they are a rarity.

Horrible horrible thing to say to a new mother.

Dont go, old people die thats what happens. Think of your own and your babies well being. As the spanish saying goes "Los Muertos al Pozo, Los vivos al gozo (The dead to the pit the living to the enjoyment of being alive. Your father-inlaw already has his blood relations there. I wouldnt blame you if you skipped the funeral too.

I find this all really bizarre. Im gobsmacked OP doesn’t want to be up there for her husband, he will need her. He is grieving and if it was a terminal illness then the roller coaster of emotions is added to how he is feeling. I know this because I have been through it with my husband and his mother and it was very hard. We then had the same happen with my dad. We both needed each other and we wanted our children around. This can totally lead to him not thinking straight eg his view on travel arrangements and being a bit short.
Many people around the world will have made much more difficult journeys, I took our 2 week old baby on a plane and people live in non western countries that are considerably larger than the uk, so taking a baby on a 12 hour journey isn’t the most impossible task or even unreasonable. And if the jabs had been rescheduled you could have had company.
take the plane as youve suggested. It’s the most practical solution. And surely your husband won’t be working full time when you’re up there? Unless he has a strict policy on bereavement leave.
If the baby brings joy to the FIL also why would it be an issue, hes also had an awful time supporting his wife through a terminal illness.

The baby is also a blood relative of the fil!

Yanbu

from someone who has a three month old absolutely no way would I be doing a car journey or a flight or two trains and a ferry alone with a four month old especially lack of sleep and all the stuff that you will have to carry and pack alone, absolutely no way. I think I think your husband is very upset about rightly so and not thinking clearly I would let the dust settle and try and have a conversation. I suppose you do have to think if the shoe was on the other foot but as a previous poster has said men don’t do the majority of the child rearing so they have no clue how hard is sometimes to just make it out the door alone. This is coming from somebody whose husband works very long hours in the week, but thankfully very hands-on at the weekends. I’m sure there are other posters that would be able to manage that journey, but I certainly wouldn’t and nor would I attempt it without support at least.

The OP never said her MIL was old. She died of a terminal illness not old age.

After reading the last post from the op I think her father-in-law maybe a controlling father who is making his son feel bad because his wife and child aren’t doing what he ( the grandfather) wants. I would wait to see when the funeral will be then make travel arrangements. No one would be holding my screaming child and stuffing a dummy in his mouth. You were there when his mother was dying and you will be there when she’s laid to rest.

This thread makes horrible reading. Some nasty, vicious bullies on this thread. Absolutely no need to speak like that to a new mum with a very valid concern. I hope the OP is long gone and has decided to stay home with her baby

What a stupid question.

Presumably they would have deferred the jabs and travelled together, waited the extra day to all travel together (which is what he should have done) or she would have been the one to travel up there on her own while leaving the baby with her husband to get his jabs done and follow on after her at some point.

I'm pretty sure she would be okay with him flying the baby up there too.

You're right. Absolutely vile

You can not be serious. His mum DIED!

I understand that you are struggling but this man has just lost his wife, show a bit more sympathy! I think it’s ok that your husband wants you to make the journey because his mum has died and his dad needs some support. This isn’t really about hate or long distancesvit’s about the loss of a loved one.

You sound lovely!