Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I think the reality is that, for whatever reason (possibly anxiety or not feeling you know your in-laws well) you don't want to go and are making things into excuses.
If 9 other grandchildren, including at least one baby, can be there, you and your child can, so I think you don't want to go.

Edit your own comment. The child isn’t going to be in a carseat. Move on.

"So sad about your Mum but I'm not making the trip with the baby"

You'd be getting divorced with that comment. How rude.

given all the facts, you're better off at home and then making the journey once the funeral is arranged

Fair enough if he lived closer and somewhere more accessible

How many siblings does your husband have?

It sounds like there will be a house full

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. Your issues are legitimate. I'd feel the same way. That's a very long journey with a 4 month old.
However he is grieving and so he's not going to be an understanding Ray of sunshine. I think he needs to be cut a bit of slack in regards to being grumpy and tense.
I was an absolute mess when my dad died.. I'm glad my DH didn't expect me to be as reasonable as usual. He just put up with my edginess.
It's a very stressful time for both of you. You have every right to not take your baby on such a long journey so often. But I don't think you can expect him to not be upset about it. He's not going to be in a great frame of mind right now.

This!
No way would I make that journey with a baby, especially when sleep deprived

What dreadful remarks

Sorry op I think you need to step up, it is possible it’s just going to take a bit of effort. Your husband needs you more now than he ever has done.

omg seriously I assume you’ve never had a baby!!!! Shes postpartum. It’s awful for her partner but she is a mum of a newborn

I'm assuming Scotland? There's a big storm coming on Friday and I doubt you could get there before transport gets cancelled. That said, you will have to tread very carefully. Your DH is dealing with a major life event and if he feels unsupported, it could have long term consequences for your relationship. I think the storm should give you valid reason for not going in the next few days but after that you need to go and do your bit. Babies usually cope if the people who love them are close by. Maybe your DH is the same?

You get one shot at your mother’s funeral and it’s natural that you want your own little family with you. We all understand the pressures - and logistics - of a newish baby but there are those times when you just have to suck it up with as good a grace as you can muster.

At a push a 6 month + baby may be safer in a car seat for longer periods, as they have some control over their heads, it’s still recommended to take regular breaks though. Research has come a long way on this topic and it’s not worth the risk of SIDS

The funeral may be 3 weeks away so a 10 year old can go.

I absolutely would not travel 12 hours with a 4 month old baby until the week of the funeral.
Pp’s saying op should suck up 3 weeks in the middle of nowhere with a baby, an overbearing fil and a dh who is going to be working all day would never actually do it themselves.

Make an honest assessment of you household budget. If you can afford to throw some money at this problem, do that.

Either ship some belongings or have some supplies delivered via Amazon so you can travel lightly.

book a flight.

just book a hotel ahead of time, don’t hope you can make it in one day.

your job is to take care of the baby so your husband can focus on himself and FIL. That is you helping your husband. If he says you aren’t doing enough, you may have to point that out.

don’t bother him with logistical details you can manage yourself, but if it is an issue of safety, like navigating a bendy, unfamiliar road, ask for a family member to help out. That is completely ok. I would say hire an uber or a taxi but I live in a similar area and know how unlikely that is to materialize

I honestly think you are being very selfish. He is grieving his mum and it honestly sounds like you are more concerned about your sleep than him. Get over yourself, get in the car and go.

this is not all about you, your husband needs you. He may be expressing it as what his father wants but actually he is in all likelihood needing some comfort himself from his wife. Babies are resilient, just put on your big girl pants and go

If you don't you will regret it later.

I too can see both sides but I also think that whilst travelling with a 4 month old is exhausting logistically it could be worse. Maybe you could shorten the journey by breaking it up.
You and your husband are in a partnership and right now he needs you. He is grieving for his mum and probably missing you and his LO. Maybe think about how you would expect him to behave if the situation was reversed.

You aren’t being unreasonable. You have a very young baby whose welfare is your main priority. Ideally, you should persuade your husband that it would be best for you to stay put until the funeral is arranged. Then you need to travel the way that is easiest and most convenient for you. If this means that your OH has to drive a long way to meet you, that’s what he should do. To be honest, given the distance involved, I think it would be quite understandable if you missed the funeral altogether.

Surely it’s not good for a 4 month old to be in a car seat for 12 hours. Speak to your GP or health visitor and get them to speak to your husband.

This is a real shit situation for everyone all round and the timing is equally shitty. DH is grieving and trying to process, your hormonal and sleep deprived and these things are clashing. However DH needs your support, his mother is never coming back, you will get your sleep and routines in order eventually. I completely get your frustration, I would suck it up and support him as much as you can with funeral arrangements and travel. Hopefully he will support you the same way when you need him for same reasons. Good luck x

If you had asked the question the other way around (eg you lost a parent and were angry at your spouse for not dropping everything to do a 12 hour journey with a baby) people would also tell you you're being unreasonable. Anyone who isn't here to slag off a CF is considered unreasonable.
You're not being unreasonable at all. You have to think about your child first as well as your own wellbeing. If your child caught a deadly illness due to not being vaccinated, you'd have never forgiven yourself. You also need to ensure that the 12 hour journey is safe for your both (I know you won't be driving but 12 hours without sleep looking after a baby is not healthy, you'd need to make sure it includes stops to rest and sleep). Support your husband as much as you can, but there's no need to pretend it's equally tragic for you as it is for him. I lost a parent and they way I see it is you can't cure someone else's grief.

But it happened the day before yesterday (in that people with babies couldn't even reach the seats).

yab absolutely ridiculously unreasonable not managing some things like walking a baby yourself. Sometimes you just need to manage on your own.

I think YABU. Stop making this about you. Your poor husband just lost his mum. The baby will be fine. You'll have to do what your husband wants and put your self to one side for a few weeks which sounds like it will be very hard for you.

Your first priority is your child, and if there's any possibility of getting stranded in bad weather, I would not be going. I'm sorry about your loss but when it comes to safety this is more important.