Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

The biggest issue with sleeper is the cost - and not being able to use the family railcard.

I've done the old style sleeper with a baby, carrycot on the bottom bunk, me on top bunk. The issue i ran into I seemed to have nowhere to sit and BF. The new sleepers should be easier as some have double beds.

I've been on trains when you can't get much further than the door they are so crowded, and doesn't matter whether you have a seat reservation, there is no way you are getting anywhere near it

The train I was on the day before yesterday was so overcrowded people gave up trying to move into the carriage and just stood packed in the doorways. Seats and aisles were full. They did that thing where they run below line speed due to the risk of people falling over. But yeah, just bring the baby and chill.

Have you shifted yet?

The train does the rocking soothing bit.

There is no way I would be going all that way with a 4 month old baby, even if it was my own father! Your DH doesn't seem to care much about you or the baby if he's insisting you take 2 trains and a ferry rather than fly and he'll get you from the airport so fuck him as far as I'm concerned. He's a big boy.

When my dad died I went down a few days later for a few days but wouldn't have expected DH to come if it was better for him to stay home with baby. Your DH's father isn't dying so he really doesn't need all his GC around him especially as you only saw him recently and his other GC isn't going to be there till half term anyway. I'd just go up then for the funeral.

Your DH sounds very selfish to me.

@Needspaceforlego maybe you should have told the baby who was sitting near me on a train the other day that, although they wouldn't have been able to hear you over their wailing!

And in fact OP mentions the baby cried a lot on their last trip up whilst the DH was busy on his phone doing important man stuff.

Sorry but you do sound silly here. Why would walking on an unpaved road/track be unsafe? People walk on them all the time. Even next to cliff edges!

I’m no not sure what point you are making? Sometimes trains are busy, there are many things worse.
Youre trying to make it sound like OP will eh stuck standing on the train for hours with no one offering her a seat which is just not going to happen.

I’m no not sure what point you are making? Sometimes trains are busy, there are many things worse.
Youre trying to make it sound like OP will eh stuck standing on the train for hours with no one offering her a seat which is just not going to happen.

But why take the chance, when she can just not go?

Why take the chance that the train might be busy? I mean at this rate you would walk yourself out of ever leaving the house!

Ah yes, on the train to see his mother for the last time. I imagine that I'd not be the best parent at the time either. Cut him some slack.

@Completelyjo with the best will in the world and the most courteous passengers if the train is standing room only and completely crammed (the other day I only just managed to squeeze my fat arse on the train it was so full, probably shouldn't have been allowed to be that full didn't feel particularly safe) people aren't going to be able to make space for OP and baby and assorted luggage to get to a seat.

The other day you were on a packed train so OP shouldn’t get a train with her baby incase it also happens to be packed? Do you hear yourself?
How do you function operating in this nuts worst case scenario black hole?

@Completelyjo just saying that it isn't always a case that OP would be able to waltz onto a train with everybody helping her on and finding her seat easily, nice empty luggage rack for her bags and a content baby who will sit/sleep quietly in her seat for 12 hours. Which you and other posters seem to be implying.

Others like me are more realistic, not saying she or anybody else shouldn't move further than their front door, but the realities of train travel, certainly all the times I have been on a train in the last couple of years have all encountered one problem or another

You know babies can’t safely be in a car seat for long periods of time. I’m pretty sure it’s a maximum of two hours at a time, possibly less (you’ll have to google). It can be really dangerous/life threatening

Unfortunately sleeper trains are ridiculously expensive.

Sorry. I think you're being overly dramatic. It's a baby. They sleep, eat and poo whenever. Imagine how your husband is feeling. He's torn between two households. Get yourself there. It's a few inconvenient weeks out of a lifetime.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You feel how you feel and that should be validated.

Personally though, I wouldn’t have even hesitated. I’d have been there with him regardless of how hard it was for me or the baby. Babies are pretty resilient in reality. And believe me, I have 4 children, 4 non-sleepers so I am completely with you on the sleep regression front!

However, and it is a big however. That is just ME. You have to do what feels best for YOU and what is going to sit best with you. Ignoring the distance etc, how would you feel if, for example, the shoe were on the other foot? Please don’t get yourself into a situation where he says well you weren’t there for me so stuff ya! That will hurt…..😢 xxx

If it was your mum who was 12 hours away I’m sure you’d be there to support your father with your baby. Your husband needs your support, you are his family and it’s probably hard for him being away from you both too. I’d definitely go to be with him, the extra family around to help with the baby would be very welcome if you are struggling.

It's not about you at all. The baby thing is just an excuse. I've had plenty of kids and seen plenty of losses. My goodness. He's lost his mother! You just can't be arsed going that's the real truth and you're pulling issues with the baby out of your arse to justify your shitty behaviour. He shouldn't even have to listen to this crap right now. You should be up there doing all you can for him and his father.

Totally agree with this. Your post is all about you and you don’t seem to understand or care your husband has suffered a bereavement. Be supportive. You mention SIL has gone with a baby, so why can’t you?

You’ve only been married a year and already there are cracks showing… YABVU and selfish.

That's newborns not 4 month olds. There are fully reclining car seats now even for rent if you can't buy one outright. Plus that only applies to without a break with a newborn. If it's a 12 hour journey I think she said it was, it would make more sense to fly and then rent a car or get a bus/train/taxi or whatever.

I think you need to do much more research and edit your comment. Also most people don’t have reclining car seats. I simply told OP she needs to do some research as it is very dangerous for a 4 month old to be in a carseat for an extended length of time. Your misinformation could be deadly, so be careful

Why take the chance that the train might be busy? I mean at this rate you would walk yourself out of ever leaving the house!

There's not leaving the house, and there's taking public transport for that distance. No thanks.