Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Posters are assuming the OP doesn’t know what it is like to lose a parent, maybe she does

OP is NOT THINKING ABOUT HERSELF. She is thinking about herself and her child as a unit with needs just like bereaved FIL and DH. They are specially vulnerable and needy because of MIL’s death but that doesn’t mean no one else in the immediate family stops having needs. Or doesn’t have a duty of care, or can suddenly avert ferry stoppages. OP is just four months PP, baby is 4 months old, they just got back from a visit and its high winter/storm season. Stopping and asking what makes sense for the mother/child unit isn’t selfish. Demanding that she drag the child up there is extremely selfish. Its culturally explicable and valorized apparently but it is patently not done for other than selfish motives..

and the baby's needs?

The only reason OP stayed was to keep the appointment that day to have the baby vaccinated (that they rescheduled after all the travelling to spend time with them at Christmas), and she has let the baby have a few days rest at home before embarking on travelling again.

What about that is OP 'thinking about herself'.

I think you need to put him first and your own needs on the back seat for a few weeks

The baby doesn't give a shit.

As long as it's got mum and a boob nearby it makes no difference to baby.

This isn't about putting baby's needs first because it makes no difference to baby.

Cannot stand all this 'until you've lost a parent....' bollocks.

Lots of us have, and yet managed to not think that our needs trump everyone else's.

The trip is ridiculous. And will be really unpleasant for the mother. Its amazing how much contempt you are showing for the work of caring for an infant. You reduce the woman to a boob and the baby to a parasite.

The baby needed to be vaccinated that day. So OP put that first. As she should.

I actually think Her DH should have prioritised his child, waited the day (the vaccinations were on the same day as MIL died), and travelled with his wife up together the following day, rather then rush off and expect his 4m post partum wife to make the difficult 12 hour journey alone with the baby in terrible weather.

One day would not have made a jot of difference.

And of course, we've no idea whether OP has or not anyway.

Also sounds as if the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree where DH is concerned.

People in real life don't always behave well at the start of their grief. I know I certainly didn't. It might not be ok but it is human.

My second post on this thread. I keep reading posting asking how the OP would be viewed if she was a he and it was a DH reluctant to travel to support his wife.
Any DH who stayed behind with a baby or child while the other parent was free to support the grieving parent would not be viewed as derelict in his duty to his spouse . Mine wasn't when he did exactly this when my own dear Mum died abroad . Some men may even be considered a hero for taking on the role of single parent provider in the short term .
and I don’t think many Mothers would insist her baby be taken on such a long , dare I say irresponsible journey if a better time could be planned for .

Im also wondering , that if OPs DH is in so much need of her support he and FIL can’t function and she must make this incredibly difficult journey , how the heck can DH find the strength to log on his computer daily , ignore FILs needs and continue to work !

OP, you have my sympathies. Xxxx

You’re a precious one aren’t you? so remote you can’t go out for a walk ? they live on 10 sqm of land in the middle of the ocean?

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta I was thinking more about OP’s comments when they had travelled up before and she had had to look after the crying baby whilst DH was looking at his phone.

For those saying baby doesn’t care where it is, not all babies travel well. Some get unsettled in strange places/cot/bed

Just read the entire drip feed and realised that even after the flight, it's a 4hr round trip for your DH to collect you. I'm beginning to suspect that your DH isn't 'against you flying' but is trying to promote the quickest easiest route!

Even with a more expensive flight you need to get to the airport, wait about an hour before, get through (reduced) security, more security at the other end and it's STILL a 2 hour drive.
If it's where I think you're heading, the second train gets you to the ferry port and he can collect you on the other side!

You’re a precious one aren’t you? so remote you can’t go out for a walk ? they live on 10 sqm of land in the middle of the ocean?

Some places are rural with no footpath next to the road so if you leave the premises you do have to drive to get anywhere.

I've never heard of entire families descending on the bereaved person.
When My dm died my 2 grandmothers stayed for a bit.

But where is everyone sleeping?
Madness

Oh dear me. You have no empathy or compassion. What a statement to recommend.

You're making so many excuses and not coming up with any solutions

Or you know, walk over grass...

No pavements, single-track roads driven at 60mph, unmaintained hedges and brambles, no phone signal, fords, mud, manure, no destinations or facilities for miles.

There's no grass. These roads are a car's width with occasional passing places, no footpath, edged with overgrown hedges, trees or brambles. People drive them at 60mph.

I’ve seen some of your previous threads OP and you seem to be struggling with a lot of different aspects of looking after your baby. Do you think you need to speak to your GP about getting some help in coping with your anxiety?

Nope, not treating her with contempt. Treating her like a competent adult who it's causing of taking a non mobile baby on a ferry/train.

And whilst mum isn't just a boob and the baby isn't a parasite, tiny babies just genuinely want to be near mum and don't really care able much else. Breastfed ones usually like to be near boob, or maybe that was just mine.

It really makes no difference to the baby whether it stays or goes as long as it's with mum. That's not reductive, it's nature.

I think you would be absolutely crazy to make that trip. Your DH is out there supporting his DF, there is no need for you to be there. My DH wouldn't in a million years make me travel 12 hours in bad weather conditions with our 12 week old baby because he is a decent man that cares about his family. I'm getting from your posts that your DH and FIL are very selfish people regardless of the bereavement. Your DH trying to force you to do a much more difficult journey by train & boat instead of plane just because it puts him out a bit speaks volumes. Do what's best for you and the baby. You can support your DH on phone/video call etc till you get down for the funeral.

I think most the people picking holes in being able to go for a walk from a remote location, have never ever been to a remote location.

When we go to remote places in wales, you literally have single track roads, with no pavements or verges, walls built either side of the road, sometimes that's all there is for miles and miles, with the odd passing place, there will be fields the other side of the walls, but usually animals in the fields, all will be wet and muddy in winter and probably flooded, and are not a public right of way so don't have access, there's often no phone signal and no public transport.

Oh and they are usually 60 mile an hour roads.. so while you don't get much traffic, you do get some and they aren't what you would consider safe for going for a gentle country stroll in the middle of winter with a baby.

In other words, stop being so ignorant.