Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I agree. I have just read her previous thread about her FIL who is dictatorial and overbearing and insisting on taking her baby away from her. He also told her that he would buy some formula to feed her breastfed baby. No wonder she is wary about spending a month with him.

I think people forget that unpleasant, difficult people have bereavements too. And it doesn't sound like her DH will be in her corner at all when FIL starts to mistreat her.
A month of that, with no car, in one of the remotest places on the British Isles, is not a fair ask.

I'm sorry this is such bad timing for you, but this is one moment when you're going to have to pull up your big girl pants and be there for your husband. He needs you. You can do this on your own. It's not going to be easy, but take some of the great advice here, like getting a sling, and go. He's being strong for his dad and he needs you to be strong for him.

Expecting the whole family to be in attendance for potentially a month is ludicrous.
FIL sounds very unpleasant.
I'm assuming it's one of the islands that don't have a flight in, for OP to be there a month with no transport is going to be incredibly difficult especially given FIL history.
@Charlottef94 how many family members are there and to be arriving?

that may have been the case with you. you might have been able to "get on with it" but others can't. the op is being asked to join her. it might not be a month but op shoud go up and stay with her husband. it could happen that something will change and they don't stay the month you neve know but the op will be there with her husband

OP, you're taking a battering here. At four months post partum I was a mess. You're being asked to go somewhere remote in winter and do what? Sit on your own with no support network and nothing to do while your husband works all day so you can wheel out the baby for cuddles with grandpa whenever he wants one? My mental health would take a battering to be so isolated for a month. Maybe if you're used to it then it would be fine, but if you're a city-dweller and used to a support network etc then it would be hard. I depended on meet ups with close friends and female relatives when I was on maternity leave.

I'd go tomorrow, stay a week, and then go home. I'd go back for the funeral. I wouldn't stay a month. Your mental health matters too and you're at risk of post natal depression. You need a support network for you: everyone there will be (quite rightly) focussed on your FIL. It is possible to support your DH without sacrificing your wellbeing too.

And before anyone jumps on me, I lost my grandma a few years back. She'd been like a mother to me growing up (I'm not going into the reasons here). She lived a couple of hours away. Due to reasons, DH couldn't come with me when I travelled to where she lived to say goodbye, or attend her funeral. He supported me in other ways. I survived, and years later we're still married. Because I understand that I'm not the centre of the universe.

I agree with this. I understand that OP’s DH is grieving and may be projecting some of his feelings as anger towards the OP, he needs to get ahold of himself. Yes, he’s a son who lost his DM. He’s also a husband and father who needs to put the wellbeing of his child above all else. To me, the way FIL treats the baby and OP is more concerning than the long, difficult journey to get there.

Babies aren’t prosaic and it is harmful to treat them as such. FIL has already shown he is more interested in his wants than baby’s wellbeing. My concern would be the extended stay at FIL’s because my priority would be my baby’s wellbeing over FIL’s grieving. This is a recipe for drama and a massive fallout with extended family. Also, depending on whether OP’s DH is able to stand up to his dad, this could really damage her marriage.

OP and her DH need to have an honest conversation about this situation. I feel like even though the travel difficulties are important, they aren’t insurmountable and are a distraction from the real issues. I also wouldn’t be in a hurry to make that journey to someone who is giving me the silent treatment or seeming to punish me by making the journey more arduous.

I do not have a good relationship with my in-laws. They have spent decades mistreating me. Because of this, I have extremely limited contact with them. I’ve never prevented my DH from visiting them, but I have extremely firm boundaries around me visiting. My DH has chosen not to visit much because he doesn’t want to go without me and understands that they are at fault for my limited contact. When one of my DH’s parents passed away, he made the decision to travel to them alone. I offered for our children and I to go with him, but he knew emotions would be high and didn’t trust the in-laws to not mistreat me even worse. They live a several hours flight plus a several hours drive from the airport from our home. It would take at least 5 days for us to drive to them. My in-laws wanted all the grandchildren there, but that wasn’t in the best interest of my children, so my DH chose to leave us at home.

I think that's really cruel and unkind. If my husband abandoned me like the OP is her husband, I would look at him in a very different light.

Babies are very portable, @Charlottef94. Stop being so precious, suck it up and go to your DH and FIL!

The man has just lost his wife!!!

The other issue is, what if FIL oversteps boundaries again with the baby and the OP pushes back and there's a fallout right in the middle of a bereavement with emotions running high?
And then she's trapped there?

The man has just lost his wife!!!

And his son is with him supporting him.

@OP I have not read any previous threads by you. So it may be that your relationship with your FIL trumps all other considerations.
That's very sad, if the case. Commiserations.

People need to read some of OPs previous threads.

It wouldn't excuse some of the more obnoxious comments, like the gleeful anticipation of divorce and harm. But it would make it clear why OP should, in fact, not go.

I'm amazed by most of the responses on here, my mum died and then my dad died a few years later.. I would NEVER insist my spouse drag our 4 month old baby across country on a 12 hour journey just to be with me in my grief.

Especially if I plan on working remotely from that location and essentially ditch them for 8 hours a day.

I know exactly what it is like to lose a parent and I still find OPs DH selfish to insist she do this and insist she travel a certain way, then get the arsey with her when she says she'll be there in a couple of days instead of immediately dropping everything to rush up there now, and don't get me started on FIL wanting to be "surrounded by his grandchildren" for 2/3/4 weeks until the funeral.. it all sounds incredibly needy and demanding, even if they are grieving.

Oh no FIL wanted to introduce his friend and neighbour to his son’s baby. What a dick. He must be obsessed and trying to steal OP’s baby. 🙄

@ArtTheClown and the daughter is arriving shortly. So he will have immediate family supporting him.

FIL/Dh do not need OP to be there a month.

If FIL is hard work, he isn’t going to be easier whilst bereaved. Also sounds as if the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree where DH is concerned.

And his son would like his wife to support him!

God there are some callous people here!

I don't go round checking on other poster's threads, so if there is a difficult history here, then that would change my view.

Most people respond on the basis of the OP.

And his son would like his wife to support him!

He's just going to be WFH though, he won't even have any time to spend with her. He's barely being civil to her.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof the DH isn’t really speaking to the OP so not sure he does need the support

Your father-in-law sounds awful, you don’t owe him anything. But he is your father-in-law and probably is in terrible pain and desperately wanting his grandsons there so needs your support just as your husband does.
I presume your saying your husband isn’t in his right mind from grief means he isn’t usually controlling.
For goodness sake get the easiest travel option for you (sounds like flying, taxi etc.) Travelling with a four month old as a single passenger will be exhausting and possibly horrible for both of you.
It could be that in his subconscious he feels less in control of flying. He has a (false) idea that flying is more dangerous and, having just lost his mum, doesn’t want to put the rest of his family at risk.
Be that as it may, he has no idea what travelling with a four month old is like. It can be tiring but okay. It can be horrendous. Just take the easiest journey. And take it soon. Your husband needs you, however unpleasant it might be to stay at your in-laws for a month.Just book it if you have a healthy relationship and let him grumble irrationally.

Yes, they do. So it's understandable that people have replied to it in good faith, which doesn't include the ones who got out when the gate was left open at the cunt farm.

Nonetheless, the previous posts are illuminating. It's not a criticism of anyone who hasn't read them, but they are.

I've been astonished by the entitlement on this thread - two grown men expecting a baby to undergo a 12-hour-plus trip, possibly in severe weather, so that they may be comforted. Let alone the mother doing it without help. My immediate family have lost siblings and parents as well as undergoing extreme trauma. Yet we manage and endure our grief without drama. We also arrange our affairs so that mothers, babies and children are prioritised for the maximum support, resources and consideration.

I assumed that was because he was upset, that he had just lost his mum and he wanted his wife there to support him - but maybe that's not the case.

Bereaved or not though, that's not great behaviour for someone who has only been married for a year...

Yes, and his son is there to support him. It isn’t a baby’s job to make him feel better. He has a history of behaving badly and possibly abusively towards the baby. In my opinion, forcing a dummy into a crying baby’s mouth repeatedly when that isn’t something that soothes that baby is abusive. Grieving isn’t an excuse to behave harmfully towards a child. This whole situation is a recipe for disaster. Before OP and her vulnerable child travel there, she needs to have the assurance that her DH will be able to protect them.

OP’s job is to protect her child and support her DH. If her DH isn’t the one needing her support and just wants to use her and the baby to appease FIL, she is better off limiting their time visiting to when the funeral is actually going to take place.

He needs you, and you are thinking about yourself. Until you lose a parent, you never know what someone is going through. You put your own needs aside and support your husband. That is what you need to do, in this horrific time. I say horrific, but that is what it is! I lost my mum 2 years ago and my husband was my rock. I couldn't go on without him.