Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

@Charlottef94

On the trip up, I want to fly but he seems to think it will all work out more expensive and he'd need to take a 4 hour round journey to pick me up from airport, using ferry there and back. He'd rather I take the train but I struggled last time, baby was crying the whole time and that was when we was with me (scrolling on his phone might I add).

So he doesn't want to spend money, or inconvenience himself to have you and baby around? Well he can't be that desperate to have you all there can he if he's got the time to worry about money! I can't imagine if the roles were reversed, he would do the same with baby for you. You say his dad treats you as an incubator, well so does DH sadly - but that's by the by. DH has a baby now, that can never ever stop being a priority. He might not be in the right frame of mind but you are - put your baby first, follow your instincts. You are the primary caregiver so if you are comfortable and safe, baby is too. These are precious months you won't get back on mat leave and important for your baby's development.

DH will have his dad, sister and family around him - they aren't alone. You are still in nesting mode and do not need to spend extended periods of time up there so just his dad can have access to a baby as a solution to grief. It's a human being not a drug. Don't risk getting stranded on the ferry or train - I can't believe DH is even specifying the day you arrive which is when weather warnings of snow are in place, won't make arrangements to pick you up, knowing you don't drive, and doesn't care about your baby's safety. YANBU.

ETA: When i lost my dad, I had to travel alone as DH couldn't get a visa on time. My mum did a 5 hour journey to pick me up despite having lost her DH suddenly and unexpectedly. So your DH complaining about doing the round trip is ridiculous. My mum completely understood when I had to come back after only 10 days for an important clinical appointment and also because i had to go back to work. My mum coped, I coped and my DH was waiting for me when I got back holding down the fort.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I don't think your DH is either. You're in the middle of two of the hardest stages of life (new baby and losing a loved one) and it is terrible luck, that's all.
I agree that you should stay at home with your baby rather than charging up to a remote area to visit with your FIL if that is what you feel able to do. You're sleep deprived, still in physical recovery from the birth, and still learning the ropes with your baby. When my DD was 4 months old I was a right state still and I remember really, really needing the stability of my home environment.
Your DH is grieving and he isn't thinking clearly and he might lash out or not quite understand how difficult this situation is for you. That's hard but understandable.
Take a breather, think about your options, and then tell your DH what you are going to do, whether that is fly up next week, wait and go for the funeral, or stay at home. Explain that you love him, that you are so sorry you can't be there as he wants you to be, but that with your child being so small and so unsettled, and you being so sleep deprived, you just don't feel able to make the journey again.
He might be angry, but if he is a good partner and father, he will try to hear and understand. Life is long, this phase will pass. Sending you all so much love.

Maybe it's because her DH's mum has had a terminal illness which I suspect means he's not been around to help, and she has to manage his grief and the needs of a newborn? Her DH doesn't sound particularly considerate or helpful if he thinks she needs to upend her whole life to go stay with his dad on a remote island just so dad gets a fill of baby - even though DH is going back to work and DSis is going much later with her own child.

Personally I don't think a 4 month old minds where they are. I did a 2 day drive to the UK when my daughter was 6 weeks old. Lots of cuddles, calpol, and take your time with lots of breaks. If you are on a train then even better. Your husband is going through a really hard time and you need to be there.

I still can’t wrap my head around the notion that so many women think a few trains and a day of travelling is bad for the baby, some of you must live such insular lives!

As someone who lost a parent recently I’m angry on your husbands behalf. We all have to do things we don’t really want to do as an adult. Pretty sure your husband doesn't want to be in this situation either. Time for you to grow up OP.

Yes, good point.

This is ridiculous. Expecting the OP to tavel with a 4 month old in a storm is irresponsible . She should wait til the storm is over. Then go for a short trip. Then go home and back for the funeral. A 4 month old is not emotional support for an adult, bereaved or not. A baby is not emotional support for anyone. I don't think the OP is being remotely selfish in thinking about her baby's needs and safety. A ferry! In a storm, with a baby. It's ridiculous, I wouldn't risk it.

Amd yes, I have lost a parent. I didn't stop beinga decent human being who was responsible for my own behaviour, and responsbile for my baby. The husband should be considering the needs of his baby. And the OP. The situation sucks, but she is doing her best.

It's trains + ferries in a weather warning - guessing you haven't travelled by train or ferry in the UK recently with delays, and ferry cancellations. You really think risking being stranded in a remote part of the UK dependent on public transport (because she doesn't drive) is healthy for a new mum and 4 month old baby?? Just so the dad doesn't have to drive 2 hours to pick her up, and wants to save money.

My 4 hour trip from London to Glasgow took 10 hours because it broke down and we were stranded on board and they ran out of water and the toilets were broken. The Caledonian Express was delayed by 6 hours, also stranded on board with limited water. Our public transport system in winter is unreliable and inconvenient. He won't let her fly because he wants to save money and doesn't want to drive 2 hours to pick her up - where at least she's not on a train track in the middle of nowhere and can get back home from the airport if the flight is cancelled.

Your angry that she stayed behind to get their baby vaccinated and let it have a rest from travelling for a few days?

Your angry that she doesn't particularly want to go to a remote location for a month to be left for 8 hours everyday while he works?

You think she should make a 12 hours journey alone with a baby in bad weather, but don't think he should make a 4 hour round trip to allow her to fly up?

If it was so bloody important to him that they all be there as a family, he could have stayed at home an extra 24 hours then all travelled up there together.

Is it though? Because the bad weather warning is from Friday coming, the jabs were last week. The only thing stopping OP from going between now and last week is that she doesn’t want to. Why couldn’t she have gone today or yesterday if she was concerned about the storms at the end of the week?

She’s already taking care of the baby, what else do you want her to solve?

Si much sexism on this thread, like it’s OP’s job to sort everything.

Yes, but if you show any awareness of train and ferry delays and cancellations in bad weather you're being insular, apparently. A true cosmopolitan would know nothing of any of this.

Maybe because her husband begrudges her the cost of a flight, which would make the journey a bit more bearable.

Maybe because he won’t pick her up from the airport.

Maybe because the thought of spending a month in the middle of nowhere in winter with a sulking husband feels wrong to her.

Personally I think that it makes perfect sense to wait until the weather is a bit better, and wait until the funeral is arranged. Up to a month there is too much. A week there is enough.

There seems to be a lot of emotional manipulation coming from husband but little real communication. OP IS supporting DH by looking after their tiny baby.
Phones and FaceTime mean they can talk but it seems he's barely talking to her anyway.

If there's a weather warning in place from Fri at the end of Jan, it means the weather has already been pretty bad for a while. It's in Scotland where there's just been a cold snap throughout the UK - it's a terrible time for anyone to take a train up there! Why won't he just let her fly and do the 2 hour drive to pick her up instead of waiting for trains and ferries to run on time in winter in the highlands?? Maybe she'd have been more amenable to travelling then, hey.

And also why should she go over there earlier when they're only discussing funeral arrangements tomorrow?? What is the harm in her wanting her baby to have the stability of home for a few days after vaccinations instead of being on public transport and a remote island where apparently her husband doesn't want to do long drives to get anywere? My friend's baby had bad reactions to vaccines and needed hospitalisation - it's bad parenting to not have amenities close to hand during a stablisation period.

I agree. I have a 9 month old who detests the car and it's not fair on them. It's also hugely stressful and unsafe to drive for long periods whilst they're upset. I think alot of posters here are totally ignoring what's best for baby, and also forgetting that OP is a new mother. Congratulations by the way.

Of course DH and FIL are experiencing a huge loss. It's awful. However, you're allowed to struggle, especially considering the drive and how tiny your baby is. Be kind to yourself and baby, too OP. Sending you a hug, it must be tough.

Some of the replies on here are crazy. There is currently another thread where a woman was away due to her father dying and her son missed an important doctors appointment due to her husbands disinterest in parenting and half the people replying are blaming the woman for dropping ball whilst she was grieving, and are claiming the death of a parent is the same as his stressful week at work. On here the replies want a new mother and baby to travel for hours in a storm as the death of a parent is the most upsetting thing that could ever happen to someone. How the hell do people seriously come on here and claim mumsnet hates men when so many commenters will type the dumbest sentences you will ever read in their defence every single day?
Anyway, OP, don't put yourself or your baby in harms way just to appease your father in law. Your plan is fine.

YANBU. It’s horrible for your DH, but your priority has to be your baby. Absolutely DH needs to help his Father and have space and time to grieve - but with a young baby imo it’s unfair to insist that you be there too, with you needing to travel such a long way/stay a long period of time if it’s going to be too difficult for you and the baby.

Imo a baby could do without both parents struggling to cope, and DH is understandably busy grieving with all that entails. Imo it’s not selfish to put yourself first if the person who relies on you most (your child) needs you to do so - only you know how much you can cope with too.

Correct! Correct in all ways.

4 hour drive for DH too much. 12 hours trains and dodgy ferries in a storm, with an infant, = no trouble at all for OP.

Distant island in winter = a paradise for new mother with baby in a sling. While apparently its too lonely for dh and his father to manage without baby.

I wouldn't do it. And DH wouldn't ask me to.

If he was the sort of man who'd divorce me over it then fare well.

Yep, I was on that thread, it was a disgrace, with people comparing an Oftsted inspection to losing a parent.

And yet posters on this thread will have us believe they would expect a man to stay with his MIL for a month in the middle of nowhere if FIL died. Yeah right! Sexism is well and truly alive.

I think FIL and your DH are being ridiculous. I've lost my dad and while I expected DH to step up (he didn't) I certainly didn't think everything revolved around me and that life stopped for everyone else!

And if your H is going to be working from his dad's house then what exactly are you going to be doing? Hanging around waiting for him to finish? I wouldn't be doing that I'm afraid. Of course H needs to be with his dad but I'd be going for the funeral and nothing else.

I actually get the impression that OP will become a whipping post for both her DH and his father to take their anger out on. It will be triggered when she tries to stop FIL mistreating her baby.
And she won't even be able to leave unless someone drives her, she'll be completely trapped.

The through line here is that men are always more important than women if they are working, parenting, or grieving. Women’s needs and wants always take a back seat. There is a very string bias against women who let the dide down by not choosing to work full time while parenting, or who admit that they can’t perfectly subsume themselves and occasionally can’t fully work or fully parent without some sacrifice.

Of course there is a hidden internal hierarchy because mumsnet highly values the most highly paid person, or the breadwinner, or the demands of work (all of which tends to favour men in most cases though not all).

So: grieving, working, dh outranks maternity leave new mother. If it were grieving new mother her hard working dh’s need to earn money would outrank her.

A woman and her mother who demanded a dh inconvenience himself or cost the family money in order to comfort them would be roundly attacked here.