Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I dunno, I mean at least you didn't say "I've just got a fresh pint, I'll be home when I can", which is what my DH said when I told him my father had died...on a serious note, yes, you need to suck it up and not be all PFB about your baby, sorry.

I lived in the country for a long time and it was quite difficult to have a relaxing walk from the house. I often did drive at times to an easier place to walk. When I did walk I'd have to be fully aware every moment and often press myself into the hedge when cars zoomed past. Not fun with a baby. Impossible with a pram.

Not everyone is the same. Not every location is the same. Sarcasm in this situation is just mean.

Haha yes. I mean he's lovely really. He just hadn't quite heard me, or so he says now!

Wow! So spiteful! The poor man was possibly in the midst of caring for his dying wife. How inconvenient!

There are some really vile people on here.

I don't think you're unreasonable op.

Unfortunately life goes on!

FiL needs to understand that living in a ridiculously remote area and having 'all the grandchildren around for weeks at a time' aren't really compatible.

I've lost a parent and I'd not have expected such an undertaking from my DH.

When my children were that age our routine was based around our local area and your sanity and wellbeing is important too, regardless of the circumstances.

Xx

I think OP is mixing up her feelings about PIL (how do any of us know how valid they are?) plus her (understandable) tiredness with a small baby. But it's really not reasonable of her to blame the Highland/Islands environment - unless (as @wiseplumantsuggests) she really does think that there are bad spirits out and about. In which case....

I live in a really remote place. Mothers and children here cope very, very happily with single track roads, pot-holes, blind corners, unmade surfaces and all the rest. It's just part of life and perfectly manageable. The islands - if that's where her husband's family come from - have much less severe weather than (eg) the Cairngorms. But even there little children thrive. So much open space/less pollution etc etc etc. And local transport is geared up to cope with harsh winters as well as possible.

An Island/Highland ancestry - and the sense of belonging by birthright to an Island/Highland community - is an enormous and priceless heritage for your baby. So many people would love it. But it does mean, at least, taking a bit of the rough with the smooth.

I think that most people would like their spouses with them in a time of bereavement if they possibly can get there. And a bleak environment can really be a consolation - the wild weather echoes and shares in turbulent feelings. So if you possibly can, try to be there. For your baby, as well as for your husband.

I would go. It would be different if you had to drive 12 hours but on the train you can feed your little one, walk up and down etc. Why on earth does it matter if you’d find it “difficult” staying there until the funeral. You need to suck it up and support your DH! Your post does seem very “me me me”

Wonder how many posters on here would be happy to spend a month with difficult FIL in the middle of nowhere with a young baby

Honestly Im reading lots of 'I' statements and excuses. My husband recently lost a parent. Literally nothing would stop me being there with him. I agree, travelling with babies is hard but you've said you don't want to go back and forth and you don't want to stay, so you're not exactly looking for solutions here!

I presume you're on mat leave and could be anywhere with baby, so I'm reading this as 'I just don't want to'. Having experienced loss myself, I'll always remember who was there and who wasn't and I suspect he will too!

The only thing I disagree on is him dictating the mode of transportation. Tell him you're getting there the easiest way possible and you'll have to suck the rest up sorry.

Having seen OP's more recent posts, I think you are right! So. disregard my earlier post OP, you can support DH on facetime etc until you are ready to go. Maybe get DH to come home if the funeral is a long way off.

I really feel for the OP here (as well as her husband and FIL). Lots of people wouldn't be comfortable driving so far with a young baby for who knows how long away. It is very easy to say you 'do what you have to for family', if your own family is on the doorstop.

My own FIL (MIL is fine btw), would be the same, the grandchildren are what he expects on demand during any kind of crisis and not bringing them to him (eg when they've been ill) is apparently like 'a knife to the heart'. Aware I sound a bit mean here but essentially I would drive two hours to help him. Would I drive 12 with a baby? I'd be anxious about a lot of things and I'd have to weigh it up.

Your DH needs to put his big boy pants on. The death of a parent is something we all have coming, it's not like it's something we've never remotely considered. It's crap, but it's just life. Your situation is two fold in that you have a very young baby and PILs who live in a very remote place. I'd be offering as much support as possible from the other end of the phone and obviously preparing to make the epic journey for the funeral but life does go on. If people choose to live where they live, they have to consider that there might be consequences.

And if your DH is someone who will hold this against you, well that's a whole other thread.

I think this is the right approach. You need to go OP, but book the least bad travel option and let DH know where/when to get you. I travelled with my 4mo for my grandfather’s passing and we flew. Luckily he did pretty well, and I definitely let him watch my movie with me. I was a babywearer so I had him cozy on me/not afraid he’d fall if I nodded off.

Anything you need for baby that you can’t travel with order for delivery or ask on the local FB/church anywhere. My relatives asked around at the church and borrowed car seats, books, toys, nursing pillow for me and I’d brought my stroller

I see this a lot on here. OP’s asking for opinions and when the replies aren’t going their way the drip feeding begins.,

”Oh well he didn’t do this, that or the other. Didn’t help with baby etc” I smell BS

@Choccyscofffy meeting the funeral director is hardly 'refusing to pick her up'! We had to wait a week and wouldn't have been keen to postpone!!!!

@Whyamisopathetic the OP has had previous threads on how difficult FIL is

Fuck that shit. They’re delaying the funeral until Feb half term so a ten year old can attend? Poor little boy.

It’s a shame you’re coming down with a horrible flu virus @Charlottef94 and won’t be able to travel for another week. Oh, and then baby catches it! Delay another week.

Just go when it suits you. DH and his father sound like a couple of bullies.

Agree with 'Mrsttcno1'

Sleeper train and then DH comes to meet you with a car to take you back to the house. It will be difficult to manage the luggage by yourself with a baby.

I think you need to go up but make the journey as easy as possible. DH does not get to dictate how you travel.

Yes, I do know. I’ve already stated that my parents are both deceased and I dealt with it all on my own before meeting my DH in my mid thirties. You just get on with it. The process at the moment is mostly dealing with admin matters up until the funeral and I’m sure the OP will support her DH when he’s back home again.

There’s absolutely no need for her to spend a whole month hanging around in an unfamiliar place waiting for the funeral to happen.

Yep, the wellbeing and happiness of all of us. We had a blast. I swear health paranoia has multiplied 10 fold since COVID. Relatives kissed babies, people did stuff before vaccinations and there was a lot less anxiety.

Anyway, the OP can't be that worried about jabs if they are a month late already.

This is a diversion from the OPs issues anyway.

I agree. I have just read her previous thread about her FIL who is dictatorial and overbearing and insisting on taking her baby away from her. He also told her that he would buy some formula to feed her breastfed baby. No wonder she is wary about spending a month with him.