Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Doesn’t sound like that would be any loss whatsoever to OP or the baby!

Ideally not, but I also don't see why Christmas delayed them, and I'd find out if they could be done in Scotland.

Then again, I took mine on a plane at 6w on holiday, pre vaccinations, and they'd been to parties, soft play etc (with siblings) by that point, so I can't imagine it would worry me particularly.

@Babyboomtastic you obviously have different priorities

I wonder what FIL will be like after the funeral?

OP I'm surprised at the amount of judgment on here. You haven't done and aren't doing anything wrong, and I think it's only fair to point out, gently, to your husband that guilt-tripping you (no pun intended) won't help anyone.

But it's also true that you'll have to cut him plenty of slack. Let him fulminate if that's his current MO. But don't let him dictate how YOU make the journey under these difficult conditions.

I'd try to be accommodating re. length of stay, but clearly there are plenty of practicalities involved that need looking at. If you DH doesn't have the headspace now, fine, but you're still entitled to think about them. Hope things work out.

When my father in law died, the rest of my family's husband were not actually able to deal with this, my husband had to deal with it all. When you are hit with a death of a loved one it alters the way you think and operate. You do not know what will happen until it happens to you. My husbands brother owns his own company and has 50 staff well capable of doing things but in this case was a shell of himself. The OP needs to go to support her husband , that is what you do , you might not realises it but you need the support and if it doesn't happen you will remember that when the fig clears. The thread is not nuts at all, its great to see so many people realising what support is needed and hopefully the op will listen

In all honesty what can you actually do there ? Is your FIL really going to want a routine disrupted, crying baby every day for 3-4 weeks? I found when DH died I needed time alone and I couldn’t bear noise, even the washing machine made me want to run.
The most sensible thing is to fly . Few hours check in to landing and it’s over with. Overnight on a train you’ll need a fair amount to hand for yourself and a baby. I’d go up for the funeral and stay a few days afterwards — that’s when reality hits and also when everyone fades away.

Small non-crawling babies are portable. Marriage is about supporting each other through difficult times. Best to stop inflating snall things like jabs into barriers in the way of this.

Flying would be good, then when you and DH come back you can travel together (if he went by car). Nobody is then doing a long journey in either direction alone with the baby. Travel as light as you can. Baby will get so much attention from everyone that he won't need toys etc. Good Luck!

You’re right - it does sound insensitive. It’s still all about you. You need to think about your husband.
Where is so remote you can’t walk?

I lost my dad a year ago. I NEEDED my husband, just like your husband NEEDS you. Get yourself there safely as soon as you can. (Do feel free to ignore your husband's advice on transport, you're a grown woman and can make your own decision as to what works best for you and baby.) But your baby is 4 months, not 4 days, you can sort this.

Until a year or so ago funerals used to be within 7-10 days in the central belt. They are now usually closer to 3 weeks. I'm sure its partly more people wanting double slots at the crem 30mins isn't quite long enough, esp if you aren't having a parlor or church service first

I wonder what FIL will be like after the funeral?

Still grieving.

I agree with this.

Why would they shut roads ? It’s Scotland , not Siberia. I’m in the west and Friday looks blowy but other than that it’s wet and warm ish, with light winds !
If it is Scotland I’ve driven south on my own with 3 young children. I’d do what I could to support my husband in this .

Hi OP, I would like to suggest to you that maybe reframing this might help. Grieving is awful but it also brings opportunities for connections. It sounds like you don't know your family by marriage well and potentially the time spent with them over the next few weeks may add benefits to you and your family. Your child is connected to these people and maybe there is some learning and joy you could all take for your time together.

You say you are a city dweller, living their lives might bring something you hadn't thought about or enjoy. You may get home and think I could never live there but you will have experienced something new.
I am guessing you are on mat leave or maybe don't work, it's not going to impact that way, you have the time.
Maybe deep down there is something here that scares you, grief is scary and raw but it sounds like you are wanted by your husband.

People keep saying that OP’s husband needs her, which is fair enough. The most logical option, then, is for him to come home. His sister is arriving to be with their father, and he’s been there a week already.

It’s up to the parent of a baby, not just the mother.

Is docha gu bheil buidsichean air an eilean?

@UmberExpert OP has previously posted about FIL

Cannot actually believe this advice is real. Pure 👿

I think this thread is harsh on you op. I think if you are struggling with a four month year old, you are struggling with a four month old. Some people find it easy and some people find it very very hard. I think it's a bit much expecting all the grandchildren to be around. As long as the children are - that's the main thing. Ultimately your father in law does have his children around to support him and that's the main thing.

Everyone is going to experience grief your parents die....when they do you get back the compassion you have shown . That is inescapable but for some that will be the only time they realise how good a person or otherwise that they have been. Everyone has times they need support.

alologies! This is the post that’s pure evil 👿

I think all of those who want to support the husband and the father in law, should pitch up on the island for a month to show support. Along with any preschool children, for the old bloke to cuddle. Travelling by public transport. There are bound to be B and Bs and a campsite. Let's show these men how caring women can be!

@nebular you put very well the thoughts I was having. This remote island is part of your child's heritage.
I personally would jump at the chance to go somewhere different while on mat leave and with a portable baby (give it a year and it may not be as easy).
But I accept I'm not you! When our children were babies we moved around the world with DH's job. And gosh, I'm so glad we did. Making a home just the four of us in a foreign country try wasn't always easy but it was an adventure; at least you know you'll be home after the funeral.
Just trying to add a positive spin if you're up for it
Bereavements are tough. And hit people in different ways. I went to work the afternoon of my mother's
death. But boy was I grateful to have DH around. And the reverse was true after the deaths of his folks.