Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Could you break up your journey with an overnight stay? If you're going to a Scottish island where ferries are notoriously unreliable it might be sensible.

These ridiculous minimising comments are actually offensive. The father wants to see his child too.

The OP says her H is ‘making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren’

If anyone is minimising it’s you, as you keep white washing the H’s lack of care for his wife and baby.

Yes if a father was off on paternity leave with no commitments I would expect him to stay at his in-laws home to support his wife during the funeral prep for her mother.

I doubt this. You know it wouldn’t happen, unless the location was desirable. A month isn’t a reasonable expectation.

God knows what some of your marriages are like because Jesus Christ you have a low bar.

A marriage is healthier when you don’t expect grand gestures like month long stays with in laws in remote locations in winter with a tiny baby to prove your love.

You have unreasonable expectations, like OP’s DH.

Have you not seen the many posts by women upthread who said they appreciated their partners caring for their children which freed them up to grieve properly? OP has given this to her H but it’s been ridiculed by some on this thread as lacking and selfish.

I know, right. That's what the lady in the corner shop who doesn't even know my name said when one of my parents died. And that was lovely and appreciated, but I wasn't married to her.

And I'm horrified at the posts sticking the knife into a grieving fil calling him selfish, spoilt and entitled for wanting his grandchildren around when he is so very recently bereaved. Ok it might not be the right thing for OP or her baby and that's fine but the man is exhibiting perfectly natural behaviour for his circumstances and should not be castigated over it.

I would expect my spouse to prioritise my child's needs is my point. 2 of my dd's friend's mums have passed away tragically of cancer when their children were only reception age. Their dads have both been absolute superstars. The kids were up and living their normal daily routine and bringing them to school etc the very next day. This must have been agony for their dads but it is what's advised is best for the kids so they got on and did it. The world didn't need to stop for them and in fact this often just prolongs and complicates the grief.

Of course I love my spouse enough to travel with a baby to rural Scotland (presumably) for 12 hours. It doesn't mean I will do it without any consideration for the practicalities and necessities of it. I'm a kind and devoted person but it doesn't mean I'm a mug.

It sure does .....Im praying for Karma where all these people need comfort help and support and it doesn't suit their own children. You get what you teach.

You’re praying for bad things to happen to people and that they don’t any support? How is that compassionate? I don’t wish bad things for anyone on this thread.

OP, can you speak to the parents of the 10 year old to figure out what's going on there?

It seems highly unlikely any school in Scotland would refuse permission to leave to see a recently bereaved grandparent or to go to the funeral, and anyway as a PP poster says there are no fines. There also isn't much going on in terms of exams or tests at that point either.

The GF also seems to be putting an awfully big pressure on the 10yo to attend, and from what you've said about the location it's likely to be a service then a burial rather than an hour at the local crem, which from personal experience is quite a lengthy drawn out event for a younger person to go through.

I'm thinking that maybe his parents might be helpful to speak to, as you might be able to co-ordinate things or find some support?

How can you compare a 4 month sleep anywhere baby with very important exams? This is about ops convenience nothing else.

I lost my Dad 2 years ago later this month and it goddam nearly broke me. DH was an absolute rock and just carried me for those first 4 weeks when I was so broken. If he'd started fussing over logistics, I can't honestly see how we'd have weathered that storm.

Far flung island, in winter with a 90mph wind weather warning coming, with a tiny baby in tow, travelling alone, then stuck inside the whole time? No way would I be making that journey. Your FIL and husband have each other. You'd be much better placed supporting over phone calls at home.

When you live rural and remote you have to accept that not everyone can and will drop everything for every life event that happens.

I don't think their grief trumps your need to care for baby and yourself tbh. Apart from physically being there what else do they think yours and babies presence will bring? The fact that your transport is being dictated sounds like they are putting their wants above anything else.

I'm not labelling FIL as selfish exactly. However, I can say hand on heart that if I lost my dh and my ds was staying with me for days/weeks on end missing his 4 month old baby grow up and leaving his dw to manage said baby alone I wouldn't be guilting DIL into visiting me I'd 100% be literally kicking my ds back to his little family if I had to. Babys are only babys for a preciously small amount of time and their experiences in this time shape them forever. Sorry but they take priority

How many funerals have you organised? Whilst not hard in itself add the emotion and loss you can feel imobile and lost just needing the hug of your partner and to hold your own child. Some people are very cold others need their loved ones. It's not about your gender why does every thread have to pull out the man haters?

He’s grieving someone he loves. This isn’t about you - cut him some slack. 🙄

@Pepsipepsi When you live rural and remote you have to accept that not everyone can and will drop everything for every life event that happens.

No not everyone, one would hope your own wife with no work commitments would though.

I can hand on heart theoretically claim I would do/feel/think many things. Usually a different story in reality.
And grief is a unique business. Nobody can know how they feel until it hits them.

Other than the journey which is just one annoying day, how is the baby worse off in Scotland with both parents than just with OP? A 4 month old barely knows its own surroundings.

I know my DM when my DF died did not expect me to prioritise her over DC, in fact that would have upset her more.

He’d rather you got two trains and a ferry rather than a flight because it’s more expensive? He does not get to dictate that! I’d go to support my Dh, but if the funeral isn’t until half term, then I’d be coming back after a week or less, no way would I want to be stuck in someone else’s house for a month.

No.

But I'd expect him to travel to a remote location so that mum could have the comfort of her baby and spouse by her side.

I'd be horrified if I had to choose between comforting a grieving parent or seeing my child, and would be resentful and sad that my spouse would choose to put me in that position, when they are on leave.

Frankly they should have gone up as a family immediately.

This has nothing to do with FIPs expectations, and everything to do with a spouse being supportive. It might be that going up for a month isn't feasible, but going up initially and then making a decision seems sensible.

You take the pram on the train.
The baby is small enough to sleep in the carrycot of the pram.
They must have something suitable for the baby to sleep in at the FiLs since they were there recently.

The biggest issue is trying to push a pram and pull luggage. So a backpack for clothes might be easier.

I did 3 trains and a taxi at one end and collected at the other with a 5 week old. It was relatively easy. OK it wasn't such a long journey. But baby's are fairly portable and don't really mind where they are as long as they are fed and clean. And the train sort of rocks them to sleep.

TBH train sounds easier than flying, but id pay for 1st class so you get coffee brought to you, you get on a train and it goes, flying is a faff, going through security collecting baggage. And it's a faff getting to and from airports.

The big stations can probably arrange assistance if the luggage and pram is too much to carry.

It is not for your DH to decide how you get there. Take control of that. Actually it is also for you to decide that you will get there. And as soon as possible to support your husband.

No, and I have some sympathy, but equally, my sympathy for someone with just one child and no work to drag herself to is tempered by having a child who woke hourly for a year (didn't start until 6m though...), whilst also holding down a job and juggling a toddler.

Ultimately, I do have sympathy because I've been there on no sleep (for years) and I know how awful it makes you feel. I felt like I was living in black and white. It took me an hour once to just cook pasta and I nearly set two fires in that time. But equally, sleep deprivation can last for years, so sometimes you need to push through.

@Babyboomtastic would you be happy for baby to be 2 months behind on vaccinations especially if you were then travelling for long hours on public transport and mingling with many relatives etc

We also don’t know if OP has other family commitments

Interesting also how funerals etc can take many days to sort out whereas in Ireland everything seems done and dusted in about 3 days

You are right - no kids in the picture makes this a completely unrelated scenario. Not remotely the same. The sacrifices I could make for others before DC would simply not be possible now as I need to put them first. As does the DH in this scenario