Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I have read OP’s comments but not the other comments. YANBU. Your DH is making it all about his father, not even about FIL. I don’t see what grieving his wife has to do with all GC being there. You have to do what’s right for your DC- vaccine and if feeling rough, time to rest. If 10y GC can he there in a month, you surely can go in a few days. The whole set up sounds dreadful- long journey (with DH controlling how you get there, in the least convenient way possible), DH getting to escape everyday reality by working, you not being able to do much day to day…
what does FIL do with the GC all day since he wants them there? Does he actually engage and play with them for extended periods of time? Or they’re props to ‘make him happy’ by being there when he feels like it?

Sorry OP but you need to put him and his DF first in this situation, as long as all is safe for your DC, who won't be bothered where they are. Fly up and make your way from the nearest airport to where they are. Someone may collect you or meet you for the ferry. Or is it on an island with its own air service? Show willing. It doesn't matter if he "doesn't want you to fly", surely? Just go. Why can't you go for a walk when there? As for your MH, what about your DH? it might be dreary while you are there in a grieving household, but what about him? This is a major crisis in his life. He needs to come first at the moment.

are any other family members travelling OP? Wondering if you could arrange to meet during the journey, even if you don’t know them very well, and do the last part of the journey together?

Or could SIL leave her baby with doting Granddad and her dh , and travel back to help you with the ferry crossing?

I went on vacation to the alps when my dc was 3 months , that was a 9 hour journey with dh and not difficult in any way and I found it very stressful, what does your own mum say - is there any chance she could travel with you? My mum would have done that for moral support

Would he travel for 12 hours.... with a 4 month old baby.... through dodgy roads and dodgy weather..... for an expected death of an elderly relative? I'm so sorry for your loss but it's a totally different situation.

It sounds as if the OP's family expected this death. It doesn't make it any less devastating but they shouldn't be expecting everyone to drop everything either. In addition to this it sounds as if FIL has control issues. I wouldn't be tolerating that either, not because I don't love my dh but because I refuse to let anyone manipulate me at the expense of mine or more so my child's safety and happiness.

Jesus there is so much nastiness on this thread and no compassion.

At last a voice of reason. Women and babies are not emotional support dolls for men. He’s a father now - he needs to put his child first despite his grief. We all know a grieving mother would. OP is supporting him hugely by taking all childcare worries off his mind. She should make an effort for the funeral if possible but all this talk of going for a month is just madness.

Maybe all the people having a go at the OP didn’t have a baby who suffered a major 4 month sleep regression? I would 100% not have been safe to make this journey with my four month old. I was in the depths of PPD, barely getting through each day, my baby would have screamed the whole way and I would have arrived (if at all!) in no state to support anyone. Neither my baby nor I would have been a happy distraction for anyone and assuming the 3 of them will share a bedroom, it would mean DH getting no sleep and then having to deal with sleep deprivation on top of grief and stress.

OP needs to think of baby’s needs now as DH isn’t able to. By far best for baby to stay where its mother can cope most easily. Support to DH can be given by FaceTime, regular messages etc until she can make it up the week before the funeral. He had his dad and siblings so he’s not alone. It’s a crap situation all round but he needs to put his baby’s needs before his own.

If a man on extended pat leave posted, would you be expecting him to stay in a remote location with his MIL so she could see his children?

That was not said by anybody just the ops assuming it's all fil is interested in. During the early stages of grief there is an overwhelming amount of things to do and it can take ages. I'm reality the DH may get it done and feel ready to leave his father either way op has nothing to do other than care for baby (which she's struggling with on her own) and support her partner the person she's supposed to love

I am halfway through reading the posts but I have to say, give the poor op a break. Given all the extenuating circumstances surrounding making this trip, I am with her. Her husband and his sister are all up there with fil, along with friends and maybe a few children. What is she expected to do when she gets there? In the middle of nowhere with a young baby, surrounded by grieving people. Her priority is the baby. Only so many cups of tea you can make and drink and tears to shed. Her husband then intending to wfh up there? She was up there to support the family only a week ago when mil was alive, that’s the important thing. The death wasn’t unexpected. She is not being selfish, uncaring or unreasonable.

Personally, I think husband is being totally unrealistic in his expectations. Yes, support from afar over the phone and FaceTime and plan to go up, by whatever means are convenient and safe for you, once the funeral date is confirmed. That could be weeks away.

I supposed I will get flamed for this but, having lost both my parents within four weeks, who lived 300 miles away, with three young children and both of us working, we had to make difficult decisions, but we made them together and were both supportive of each other, while taking into consideration the needs of our young children.

Op, your needs and that of your child matter too but only you seem to be thinking of them.

Again, she’s repeating what she’s been told, that it’s arranged around the grandson’s half term a month away.

Having been the parent with young DC whose own parent died (so in the place of OP's DH), I didn't stop putting the DC first. I was grieving, but like another pp said, that doesn't mean life stopped or the world suddenly revolved around me. Everyone's needs still have to be balanced.

Given the distance, it would seem sensible to wait until you have an idea when the funeral date is, then plan with DH when you'll go up and how long you'll stay for. He doesn't get to dictate how you get there, that's your choice.

How would FIL benefit from having a baby around while he's organising the funeral and doing all the death-related admin anyway? Realistically, if you're staying there, how will everyone feel if your baby is up through the night crying or has a really unsettled day, will that help anyone?

If your spouse wouldn’t do this for you then you’ve married the wrong person.

I flew from abroad solo with a baby to a rural location with a days notice to support my DH when his mother died in his 20s.

If I didn’t think he would willingly support me in the way I needed through a similar event then we wouldn’t be married.

And it’s made me profoundly grateful to have a family that puts little ones first, supports young parents and doesn’t place ridiculous demands on struggling post partum mothers. My last few years would have been so much harder with the “struggling men come first” mindset.

Op DON'T go if you think the journey is too difficult to manage alone or 'bad' for baby. It is a truly horrendous journey which may not even be completed because transport is cancelled/partly cancelled/delayed due to weather etc. You yourself could get sick too. Tell DH you cannot go. Stay home. FIL demands are senseless, selfish and just too much to expect this time of the year.

The 4 month regression has just started....some of us had babies that didn't sleep for a couple of years and we worked. Women are not weak.

He is getting a lot of support. His wife has taken sole care of their baby since last week to allow him to grieve with his father.

Why does she need to lash herself with arduous journeys and risk cancelled ferries in upcoming bad weather to prove herself? This thread has a large vein of masochism running through it.

I know! Great to see your voices of reason in a sea of masochism!

These ridiculous minimising comments are actually offensive. The father wants to see his child too.

Yes if a father was off on paternity leave with no commitments I would expect him to stay at his in-laws home to support his wife during the funeral prep for her mother.

God knows what some of your marriages are like because Jesus Christ you have a low bar.

"Sad about your mum" 😳😳😳

Oh must we have a repeat of the four Yorkshiremen sketch, mumsnet version? “I squatted to give birth in the loo at work and then made my deliverables on time with no one the wiser! I cut the cord with the office stapler while I finished the company’s paperwork.”

There's presumably more than one way to go a walk.

....and roads are vastly different too.

Yes, I can picture this. Narrow lanes and bends, not a good idea and cars won’t be expecting the pedestrian either.

I think you’re being given a massively hard time OP, you’re letting off steam here not at your husband. Of course he’s grieving, but you and the baby being stuck there after a 12 hour journey for weeks on end isn’t feasible. You facilitating him being there by looking after the baby solo is doing your part, and being available to listen to him, sharp comments and all, is also support. Does he usually try to dictate things like how you travel to somewhere too? You can choose those things yourself.

No, she doesn't have to put her DH and FIL first. She has to put the baby first, and herself as she's the one who does all the heavy lifting with the baby. DH did fuck all for the baby on their last trip up ... baby sobbed for 4 straight hours on the train while DH played on his phone and OP tried to soothe the baby. Imagine her home life sucks, too.

DH can put his father first. He is there and can continue to be there for him. He can work from there until the funeral if he needs/wants to.

OP cannot get their safely right now, and the 'best' way out of all the poor options he refuses to pay for (a flight) because he wants to spend less on her transport. But wants her there. Where she will be exhausted and isolated and lonely and ignored until FIL wants to see his genes. Oh, and likely berated for staying behind in the first place because the baby needed it's already late vaccinations.

No thanks.

OP has already stated at least twice that she doesn't drive!