Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I wouldn't go either under the circumstances to be honest.

YANBU. It's a difficult time for all and definitely for you with a small baby. I don't think I would have been able to manage such a long journey on my own with a baby that age TBH. YWNBU not to go at all.

It's for at least a whole month though as the funeral is in a month's time but OP's DH is expecting them to stay there until after the funeral.

They don't even want OP there, she is just the conduit to the baby.

@ClockingOffers and @Choccyscofffy Finally some people with some sense!

Yes and no it's a one off? Am confused.
You have a very clinical approach.
Unhappiness doesn't have a limit, sadly, so you could be unhappy at the loss of your mum and unhappy because you feel unsupported by your spouse.

Saying that I didn't go to visit my mum when her mum died until the funeral. I had a day off work when I got the news and a few days off for the funeral and that was my lot.

Nope, still would be declining to go. And your follow up post tells me his dad treated you like an incubator. suspect your DH is cut in the same cloth.

YOu were a single parent travelling with a sobbing baby for 4 hours WHILE HE WAS WITH YOU PLAYING ON HIS PHONE. No way would I be busting my arse to get there for more of the same. He will 'work' from home and you will be left alone to sort the baby in a home that isn't yours with people who treat you like an incubator ... except for the 'good' moments with the baby when FIL can say 'look, my genes'.

Long term, I suspect your marriage is going to struggle with men like that. I wouldn't put up with being treated that way.

I'm another one who's going to sound totally callous but I think this all sounds a bit mental. It's really sad but FIL and your dh have to accept that life goes on. If FIL needs so badly to be surrounded by his family then he needs to be closer to his family not visa versa. It's his choice to live miles out in (presumably) rural Scotland. He needs to accept that the constraints of this will be that there's only so much people can do to visit him even at times of crisis. Surely your DH isn't going to be able to hang around there forever? Won't he be needed in person at work eventually? Otherwise won't his obligation towards his young family be more important? I'd be concerned that this might turn into a more permanent and more persistent issue. The majority of relatives (especially in laws) just cannot practically drop everything like this. I would agree to fly out for a few days then fly again* *once a funeral is arranged. You shouldn't be being goaded into spending weeks out there at a time that the focus should be on bonding with your newborn and tbh you and your baby shouldn't be being expected to effectively give up your dh for this time either.

DH doesn’t seem to be currently speaking to OP. Not sure the does actually need her support

If you think being supportive requires the tortured travelling approach that OP's DH seems to think is required then I'd call you a doormat. Put your own oxygen mask on first, that's not being cold, that's having healthy boundaries. You give what you can afford to give and you don't tie yourself up in knots for the whims of others.

Only if the spouse is a man. If this was reversed then it would be a totally different story.

In this situation is entirely appropriate for DH to go up on his own to support a parent through the worst (and the admin). It would be reasonable for him to come back after a week or so then you travel up later together for the funeral.

When a parent in law dies often the other half is working and kids are at school. It's unreasonable for everyone to up sticks hundreds of miles at this time, under normal circumstances and particularly with a tiny baby.

It's for at least a whole month though as the funeral is in a month's time but OP's DH is expecting them to stay there until after the funeral.

I also think a full month with inlaws, especially when it's not an easy relationship at the best of times, is way too much of an ask.

Very true.

I lost my wing mirror on Mull for precisely this reason.

Perhaps OP should wait one more day and then the funeral arrangements will be made - and then all the "is it a month, is it not" speculation will be over.

Rot. Women on MN are constantly being urged - wrong word, actually, 'browbeaten' would suit the case better - to set themselves on fire to keep men warm. And when they resist that pressure the usual epithets of 'selfish', a couple of accuastions of man-hating and, as shown upthread, insulting epithets of a bovine or canine variety are frequently levelled at them. Some women are sticklers for doing the work of the patriarchy for them.

I've no dog in this race as I'm amongst the posters who would overlook certain behavioural traits and visit to support my DH were the journey remotely practical, i.e. flying. But it's disingenuous to pretend the prevailing winds of society focus upon men supporting women and not the other way round.

It simply isn't true.

I seem to be in the minority, but I don’t think you are being unreasonable. That’s a heck of a journey to make with a baby and, as you say, a huge suitcase! It would be bad enough by car, but on and off trains, ferries etc. no way. I certainly wouldn’t have expected you to undertake that trip.

When my DH died, I definitely didn’t expect my whole family to rush up to be with me. I think that would have been incredibly selfish. As it happened, one of my DC’s and spouse were visiting the next day anyway, and I was so glad of their company. They invited me to go back with them, but there was a lot that I needed to take care of, so they returned home in the afternoon, as planned.

I totally get everyone acts differently after losing a loved one but DH telling OP to travel 12 hours with their 4 month old with an impending storm and to get the harder option of ferry and train… doesn’t sit right with me

No way my DH would do this to me

When I was 26 my younger Dsis passed away. It was an absolutely horrible time and I was in bits. My DH drove a 60 mile round trip daily (I can't drive) for about 10 days to make sure I could be with my family. He was also working all during this time too. Granted there were no kids in the picture but I'm sure this wasn't easy for him, but he stepped up for me and I'll never ever forget it.
The days feel so long when you're going through the aftermath of a family death and nothing is normal, people snap at eachother, but before you know you're out the other side and you'll only regret what you didn't do. If you can't do the month, surely there's a middle ground here where you can go out when the older DGS gets there and be with them for a week or so.

And maybe he doesn't need the extra stress of worrying about money when she feels unable to cope with a baby.

It would also be reasonable, IMO, to wait until the bad forecast bad weather has abated and in that way make the journey more safely and with less of a risk of becoming stranded.

There does need to be some sort of compromise here. My own DH and I don't have close family to rely on, and both of us have had hospital stays for serious, potentially life-threatening issues in the past two years. That's not the same thing as a bereavement, but bad enough. We couldn't look after and support each other then, because we have a child whose needs had to be put above our own. Both of us understood and supported the other in doing this.

Perhaps present a series of options to your DH, OP. If he really wants you there, he'll need to compromise on day, time and mode of travel, and ensure you and the baby are able to get to your end destination without being stranded.

These are not unreasonable things to ask.

Reading some of these replies reminds me that sometimes this place is almost enough to make you lose your faith in humanity.

It certainly explains why some in laws really hate their daughter in laws. And no thought for the man who has lost his mother and is possibly upset and needing support...oh, sorry, an incompetent man who controls his wife needs mothering.

Fucks sake.

Let's hope the OP's husband soon comes to his senses and ditches her.

No that is not accurate: he is insisting she come back this week, by train and ferry, rather than waiting for better weather and coming by plane. He has specifically told her he does not want to pay for the flight or drive four hours to pick her up.