Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I don't think it matters how you get there, that's your call, but you do need to go up and support your husband ASAP. I don't think jabs were really a reason to delay, and in any event, they've been done now.

If this has happened a year later, you'd be juggling work, going up and a toddler (a LOT less portable). Thank goodness you have the time now.

In terms of when you are up there, walk in the opposite direction of the cliffs, use a sling and go for a stroll! If there is a village that's accessible there's likely to be some form of baby group. If you are there for a few weeks you might even meet some mums to keep you sane. Otherwise, Netflix a book and exploring a new environment sounds like a fun use of time.

Can i ask for clarification on a couple of things? You said you planned to travel up asap. Do you mean you wanted to go up next week outside of the weather warnings and once your baby was recovered from the jabs and your husband wants you up this week? Or were you wanting to wait until nearer the funeral?

Also this line -
I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long

Does your husband want you to come up for a bit, leave again and then come back for the funeral? That seems a bit much would he be coming with you in the mean time?

My parents were murdered in a country in Africa a few months after my now husband and I married. I was already there and was present when the murder happened. I couldn't think, talk, anything. He flew out and was with me 24 hours after the death. He dealt with everything - I can barely remember what happened. However, he didn't know the country or the customs and I was no use at all, so we asked my brother to come and help - which of course he wanted to do as he had also just lost his parents in the most violent way.

My brother's wife refused him permission to leave them and their baby to fly out to help me. She allowed him to go to the funeral but he had to return to the UK within 24 hours.

He refused her demands and joined me and my husband. Guess who is still married.

100 percent this - until you have been through it with a family member you do not know what is involved on top of trying to deal with the loss of a loved one. Then you try live in Ireland where a funeral takes place like 2 days after someone dies. My own father n law died 5 years ago - you never get over that grief, the whole funeral etc time is a blur, its like you are standing outside your body watching world go on, its weird. I actually can not believe you have written this, you so obviously don't like your in laws. I don't get why you cant fly? I would be ignoring your husband on that and just booking flights. Before xmas we buried my husbands uncle, funeral was delayed to allow his sister to fly home from new Zealand, Nearly 24 hours of flights - She is 79 and not good on her feet. if she can manage then you can too,
You never get over grief, you learn to live with it, you remember everyone that was at the funeral, you remember what was said, who brough food etc, the letters of condolences you get afterwards. You also see who your true friends are around this time too .
I would suck this up now for the sake of your husband it has to be done and also remember it might be your turn soon. Like is so bloody short

Currently the culture from which FIL and DH come from seems quite patriarchal and misogynistic from their behaviour, so not sure I would be too bothered if I didn't fit in with their cultural norms and upset the community

That’s a tragic and completely different event.

OP has never objected to her DH staying with his father.

He is going to the funeral parlour, but there are days in the week he could have picked her up from the airport.

You’re missing the key bit where OP didn’t want to travel on any of those days.

I feel for both here as I feel your hormones and sleep deprivation have a part here but, the post feels a little self centred to me. I'd move heaven and earth to support anyone close to me if they had just lost a loved one especially a parent. There will never be a more prominent moment in time when they need you to just be there, support them, listen to them, say yes to it all, don't add to his grief.

Think about it the other way round, shoe on the other foot. Safe journey

Doesn’t mean said traffic doesn’t come round the blind bends like maniacs

She is already supporting her husband by taking her of his child so he can be with his father and grieve without worrying about taking care of a child too
I'd bet my winning lottery ticket on the husband always being an arse if he's behaving like this at the moment - grief doesn't turn you into a cunt unless you already are one

But none of that is especially onerous and there’s other siblings PLUS his own dad is still alive and presumably doing half of those jobs himself as it was HIS WIFE who has just died?

Or are you concerned that the menfolk couldn’t possibly manage to organise anything on their own? The Funeral Directors will be happy to offer advice if asked.

Why on earth does the OP need to go up there now? Surely a day or so before the funeral and return home shortly after is perfectly adequate in terms of being supportive?

Honestly, this thread is nuts in expecting the OP to put herself out to such a ridiculous extent to appease two perfectly capable men.

She wanted to travel on Wednesday but they said they want to go to the funeral parlour that day. Even though the funeral will be at least a month away because FIL wants to wait for half term so his other grand son can join.

Given the weather warnings, it would make more sense for DH to pick his wife tomorrow and go to the parlour another day ( Thursday - Saturday).

Well said

It all sounds hellish to me - a death in the family, a young baby, long arduous journey, house in the middle of nowhere, DH who doesn't want to waste money on a plane ticket and a FIL that is demanding his GC gather at his feet. I can see why the OP isn't keen to go.

Actually OP is assuming the funeral will be over half term based on English school rules, no one in DH’s family has actually said that’s when the funeral is.
Irish and Scottish funerals have a much shorter turn around than what is typical in England. I’ve never known a Scottish funeral to be 5 or 6 weeks after a death. And certainly not because of one school aged child.

Gosh I really feel for you.
yes it’s awful he’s lost his mum but sounds like it was expected? Not that it’s any easier but it wasn’t sudden.
You have a new baby and that should be the priority, your husband is an adult and surely FIL should be happy he’s there?! Why do you and the 4month old need to be there.. how does it make a difference to him? I feel he’s being very selfish.

I’d hate that journey alone let alone with a new baby! Also if there’s bad weather imminent it’s even more dangerous!!

Do what you feel is best and safe for you and explain that to your DH. He probably isn’t thinking straight but you need to be the sensible level headed one.

he probably would be….like most of us on this thread would be prepared to do to be with our grieving partner who’s just lost their mum.

anyway that comment was in regards to a baby attending the actual funeral (regardless of travel) as someone said the mother makes the choice. The father should also have a say.

honeestly, people are making out like it’ll take her days to treck there and as if it’s in the middle of the Antartica with no civilisation round her at all. A 4 month old baby does not know where it and will sleep a lot so much easier than making it with a 4 year old. Why are so many woman acting like they are incapable?!!

Why do you think OP has assumed it? OP said and I quote - ‘The funeral could be over a month away due to FIL wanting 10 year old grandson to be there and it having to be during HIS half term.’

She’s just repeating what she’s been told by her sulky H.

It's a bit of a one-off though isn't it, the death of your dh's mother?
Its not like this is about days away golfing.

Because op said the funeral could be in a month because it would have to be over half term if FIL wants the grandchild there, which isn’t the case in Scotland.

I wouldn't want that either! A baby isn't a toy or a doll to show off to the sodding neighbours. And as FIL decided he was doing this without any say from OP, or without her being there, even though her DS cries when she's not there, I'm not surprised she wasn't happy. There was also the bit about FIL giving her DS formula when he's EBF. Sounds like a bit of a nob.

Besides that, does anyone here actually care about the baby? 12 hours is a long time to be travelling when you're tiny, and people saying they only need a day to get over their jabs. Not always. DS was off colour for days. I wouldn't want to be travelling if I was feeling shitty. And if the weather does close in like it's forecast, what happens if she gets stranded halfway there? Can she afford a hotel for a few days?

Practically speaking, how are you going to get everything up there? Pram, cot, etc?

@Cremeeggtime Well, yes and no. But when someone is grieving then nothing you can do is going to make them happy. So don't make yourself miserable to please them.

OP don’t pack a big bag. Just a couple of changes of clothes for you and baby. There’s a washing machine. No point in making life difficult and lugging about loads.

get a delivery of nappies etc to in laws or to the local supermarket if it won’t arrive direct and pick up. Juts pack nappies and baby bits as well as your stuff in one bag. Max hand luggage size.

wishing you luck

This is hardly the same!

While also saying about how women need so much support and can't function months after giving birth....double standards and so old fashioned...we ask men to show emotions and say it's okay until they do then they need mothering.