Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Deleted post as lost my quote. Will try to post again.

I agree, and I have lost both parents so I know how awful that feels. OP is indeed supporting her bereaved husband by looking after their baby. The 4 month sleep regression is a really difficult one, and a 12 hour journey alone, with a tiny baby and an impending storm is a huge ask. I understand the FIL is grieving but he really is being extremely unreasonable expecting everyone to spend an extended period with him, and delaying the funeral so that a 10 year old doesn't have to take too long off school for this extended visit. Yes, your husband's mother has died but he also has his tiny baby's welfare to consider, not to mention his wife who is looking after the baby single-handedly to allow him to be with his bereaved father. If you didn't have a very young baby, I'd have said definitely go straight away, no question. But a 4 month old baby changes everything IMO.

I wouldn't take my 8 month old and 3 year old through all that. But luckily my partner isn't the personality type to want that. Making that journey sleep deprived sounds horrendous for you. We are going through a sleep regression here too and I can barely see straight sometimes.

I think you are concerned about your child, rather than yourself like some posters suggest and i can see it will be an impossible time to assert boundaries to FIL. No advice, just wishing you a safe trip and that you and baby can keep to yourselves as much as possible. Condolences for your husband's loss.

I think it's the least he could do. Trying to carry bags, baby, pram etc on/off trains and a ferry is hard work.

I completely understand he is grieving but he does need to help OP have an easier journey to reach him.

If he's worried about ferries being cancelled than it is unreasonable to expect his wife and baby to make a long journey and potentially be stranded.

However, the more I read the more I think OP should go up and stay the month, or not go up until the funeral.

You've already been recently.
It's too expensive for you to fly apparently. So travelling up now and back home and then back again for the funeral is going to cost, however you do it. Plane or train.
Your fil sounds overbearing.
Your husband is planning on working.
You have a 4 month old. You won't be in your own house with your own things for over a month.
The other grandchild won't be there till the funeral.

Just go the once, for when the funeral has been arranged. For a few days. Then get yourself home.

OP hasn’t said finances are a worry. And it’s off peak season.

It really does sound like with the silent treatment and the objection to the flight that he is trying to make things as difficult for her as he can.

I think Op just doesn't want to go.
All those IFs if the funeral is in a month.

Not thought that her DH might also be missing his baby, no thought that Baby's are hugely healing, life has to go on, life cannot stop when their are little people involved.

Oh dear. I'd say that in this situation someone is going to be unhappy, so just make sure it's not you. Women are expect to be human plasters, to put their needs last and give everyone else what they want. Don't do that. Do what works for you and baby.

It has made me profoundly grateful that my family are a bit more practical about death. I can't fathom expecting someone to schlep around the country with a small baby just so they could hang around while I was sorting out a funeral.

Then you wouldn't ask them to travel. I have family who did need local support at difficult times and some who didn't. The point is any of us would be willing to go if needed because sometimes we are not the most important person in the world and we suck it up because we love the person asking.

You are just making stuff up left right and centre.
There’s actually nothing in OP’s comments that suggest the DH is purposely trying to make it as difficult as possible for her.

He has mentioned finances and logistics being more difficult with flying vs the train, and Wednesday the day he’s arranging the funeral. Other than that he’s been asking her to come up since last week.

He has been quiet on texts, well here are just a few of the things that needed to be done in the immediate days after MIL died
sort out the death certificate
Collect the death certificate
arrange a private company to come and collect the hospital bed
arrange for the district nurse to come and collect their equipment
arrange for the surplus of medication to be collect
make the living room look less like a shrine to her deathbed
sort out what she was going to wear for the funeral
go through all her belongings to see what comments she made about her own funeral
sort through the family photos to select what would be used at the funeral
Agree the funeral music
what readings would be meaningful to her life and who was going to do it
who was invited to the wake after the funeral and the celebration the following say
organise caterers for the celebration
organise tables for the celebration
Go through the funeral directors brochure to get an idea of selections before the appointment with them

On top of that perhaps he’s just processing the death of his mother which is running quite parallel to his own journey with fatherhood beginning.

So sorry your going through this but u think you do need to make the journey.
Some of the advice you have been given won't work though depending on where you are travelling to in Scotland.
A lot of the time it is easier to get the train into one of the main cities then onto the ferry terminal as a lot of them have train stations right beside them or even in the same buildings and there is normally plenty of space to walk about on both the ferries and trains especially at this time of the year.
Also in Scotland the school rules are different and we are not fined from removing our children from school so the funeral directors will let your fil know what timings are available and your nephew will be able to attend without any issue from the school.
Also for going out walks if you do take a sling you are allowed in Scotland to walk on farm land and forestry under the right to roam as long as you do no harm and leave it as you find it.
Sorry fir the essay but I hope this helps.

It’s not just “a small baby” it’s the DH’s own child. Maybe he wants his own baby and wife around him while he deals with the practical and emotional side of his mother dying. What an out there thought!

It is reasonable for you to put the baby's needs first. Your husband, his father & sister have each other for support.

When my MIL died 15 years ago only my DH made the very long journey to see her in her final days & the funeral. I stayed at home with DDs who were coming up to important exams. My DH has several siblings who all supported each other and he phoned me every night to talk.

I loved my MIL very much and in an ideal world would have been there but sometimes compromises must be made. DH's whole family understood that. Perhaps you & the baby should travel there closer to the time of the funeral

Exactly. And people are also saying that anyone who's had a 4 months old knows they are as portable as it gets... for me, being a new mum of a 4 month old was as vulnerable as it gets.
I was an anxious, exhausted mess and my only salvation was sticking to a strict routine. DS would have been even more unsettled, and driving this far would also have been totally unsafe.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP.

You are supporting your DH by holding the fort at home.

The fact that he's trying to dictate your journey is out of order too - he wants you to take a baby and luggage (perhaps a months worth, perhaps not, that's yet to be decided by someone in the family who is allowed to make a decision based on what they think is best for their child) on 2 trains and a ferry, rather than getting a flight because, although my easier fit you and your child, he'd rather save some money. Would be interesting to see how much of a difference there is cost wise.

You did nothing wrong by staying behind to have your child's vaccines.

Tell your Husband you will arrive next week after the storm.

I feel for you OP, I've only read your posts so I'm sure I'm repeating others' advice.

My dad died when my youngest was 6mo and EBF, my eldest was 3. All I wanted from DH was to take care of DC1 so I could focus on my mum.

It sounds like your DH isn't thinking clearly, and and why would he be, that's fair enough.

Has he responded about you going up?

'The DH also doesn't sound like a man who desperately wants the comfort of his wife to help him cope with a loss - he barely sounds like he likes her. This is clearly all for FILs benefit, but a tiny baby isn't a prop for someone's bereavement'.

Agreed. The potential month long stay and dreadful travel conditions are ridiculous. Can't imagine my DH putting this much pressure on me, and when my own DF died DH stayed at home with dd while I was at the hospital / stayed with DM, because it makes perfect sense. The idea of my DM demanding all the grandchildren assemble for weeks at a time (other than for the funeral) is also ridiculous.

It makes perfect sense to wait until you know when the funeral is, allowing the storm to pass in the meantime. But only you know your relationship.

Am quite shocked at how vicious and sarcastic some posters have been.

I. Addition -what is baby going to do when in this house for a month?

If husband is working from home -does mean he gets the bedroom to use all day for work and wife had to entertain fil and guests?

Staying there a month just does not sound practical.

This would be my suggestion. Or hire a car at the arrival airport

Yes. My dad died when I was 19 and my mum died when I was 32, before I even met DH. I also didn’t inherit loads of money either as my parents weren’t well off and lived in rented housing.

I guess I’m just used to getting on with stuff without needing to be babied and so is DH.

What about you?

I may be repeating what others are saying but honestly - your husband sounds like a controlling dickhead. Your FIL not much better
bereavement or not - that's a horrible journey to make work a little baby by yourself
and you should take some time to think about whether you should remain in such a controlling relationship

I haven’t made it up. OP said he ‘is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments’ and he doesn’t want her to get a flight because it costs more.

He is going to the funeral parlour, but there are days in the week he could have picked her up
from the airport.

And I hadn’t even clocked that OP is expected to stay there for a month, with a FIL that isn’t even nice to her.

It sounds hellish to me.

Not unless he's prepared to do the 2 trains and ferry crossing himself with a 4 month old baby... oh and the windy weather.