Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Saying this as someone whos husbands family live a flight and a drive away. When his parents died unexpectedly i did offer to go with him, with or without the kids. But he said he thought it would be better for the kids to keep them in a routine etc, he thought it would be boring for them (similarly isolated area) as there would be a lot of visiting people they'd never met, paperwork etc) and difficult as we dont speak the language and they werent up for translating. I could have got my family to mind the kids but he thought that it would be unsettling for them (one was very upset). Even though he was grieving he still considered what was best for our kids, even though his family would have loved to see them. We have made a massive effort to see his family and travel to them and go away with them etc since instead.

I think it is unreaonable to expect you to travel back and forurth many times with a newborn 12hours! Omg.

I travelled 12hours on a plane, 27houra door to door with my 6 month old and if hated it!.
Your DH should go by himself and soend time there and you should stay homem you been once already. Thats more then enough.

TBH licence or no licence a 12 hr drive with a baby would be a complete nightmare. She'd need to break that journey but even doing 6hrs and 6hrs the next day sounds like torture.

I think we'd all be saying let the train take the strain.

Totally agree with @Yellow889 It is awful timing, as these things always are, but neither situation trumps the other. Once you become a parent, your number one priority is your child, not your own parent. Your DH should be thinking about you and baby as well as his DF’s needs. He also needs to think about what’s best for him, in terms of his own grief. If I were you, I’d stay home, care for baby, get the vaccines over and done with and head up for the funeral. DH can come back to try and support you inbetween. He has a duty to you and to make sure you are able to sleep and so on so that you can care for baby. If you got appendicitis tomorrow and were incapacitated, he’d have to leave his DF, wouldn’t he?

As an aside, we were visiting the UK from the other side of the world when my DF died. I had two small DC. DH flew back the next day so he could come back again for the funeral (limited leave). I stayed with relatives and organized the funeral pretty much single-handedly. It was shit all ways round but these things are. Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation and accept it will never be perfect.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower majority of people in the UK live in big cities. I got my license at 18 but after uni I lived in Central London my entire adult life. There's no need for a car and you are actively discouraged from having one.

Having lessons doesn't help with the odd trip, you need regular practice. I haven't driven in 18 years. Should I have lessons every year for the remote chance I may need to drive to the arse end of nowhere one day?

Could I drive in an absolute emergency? Of course. Would I go on a 12 hour drive on the motorway with a baby in the car? Absolutely not.

Yes but traffic in remote places also drives really fast as they have so much ground to cover.

The vaccinations, the cliff, the wind? You sound very helpless. Stop making excuses and support your partner who has just lost his mum. The vaccinations could have been sorted ages ago with a few phone calls.

Grief is a very strong emotion but it does not give FIL the right to be “surrounded by his grandchildren” if it is going to be to the detriment of said grandchildren.

OP I have lost many family members over my lifetime (and I’m not even that old) and know how horrendous the affect it can have on those closest to them. But this is not a reasonable ask from DH or FIL. You have a four month old baby who needs you. I would tell DH to stay up with FIL and that you will come up for the funeral as it is in the best interests of your child.

Surely if he’s lost his mum the last thing he should want is worry about his wife and tiny baby being stranded if the ferries are cancelled?

Remember OP said he doesn’t want her to spend money on a flight, which would make things easier for her.

Why must things be made hard for OP to show compassion to him?

One thing this thread has done for me - I'm profoundly grateful that we both have families where people still will put themselves out and go to great lengths (including planes, trains, cars and travelling with small children) to support each other when needed.

My life would have been much more difficult if most of them decided its all just too difficult and the bereaved and the sick could make do with a few phone calls. All of them would say the same.

To add, what’s in the baby’s best interests? No one seems to care that 12 hours in a car seat is way too much for a 4 month old. I’d be doing 2-3 hours a day max, so would need to split the journey over a few days. Train could work, but bugs/vaccines etc. Plus there’s the weather to add into the mix.

That would be because they read the OP and know that the baby and the OP won't be driving.

Wait until they have a toddler, 5 year old and a four month old with stitches and no sleep....dad will need to give up work for the school runs.

Jesus how do people manage to live outside cities at all 🙄 we must all just stay in our wee cottages and never leave.

Needed mothering is a rather unfortunate turn of phrase, don't you think?

My DH was perfectly capable of sorting out his mums affairs and organising a funeral without needing me to hold his hand. It’s just practical admin. and not exactly rocket science, is it?

Any man that can’t manage that isn’t worth marrying, but if you’re happy to be shackled to a loser, be my guest. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The baby won’t be in a car seat for 12 hours. A baby will also be fine on a train, no greater risk of bugs than a normal day on a bus, in a coffee shop, a supermarket or a baby class.

There is nothing inherently worse for the baby in FIL’s house. It’s not not in its best interest.

Lost your own parents, have you Clockingoffers?

I just knew that he didn’t want to pick you up at the airport. His time and money matter to him. Yours don’t.

I would expect emotional support from my husband and I would be more than happy to give it in return.
Anyone who calls another human a “loser” because they expect emotional support from their spouse is missing some serious emotional intelligence.

Maybe it's not a begrudge but reality if he's lost wages....do we know the finances of the family where one is on mat leave and presumably they have already travelled?

I do too, but we also care enough about each other to be mindful of each other’s safety.

My mum is having a knee operation soon. I have booked two weeks off work to support her.

My sister is flying from the other side of the world to take her turn of two weeks care.

My mum has told my sister to book a flight on a good airline because she wants my sister to be comfortable on the journey and she will pay for it.

But this man doesn’t want the OP to book an internal flight because it’s more money than the train, even though it means a terrible long journey for OP.

I'm part of a diaspora community in the UK and the norm with a bereavement in country of origin is that the bereaved person goes. Someone needs to stay home to hold the fort, look after children, pets etc, plus it's really expensive.

OPs in-laws are a hell of a distance away and she has a tiny baby. If it's a Scottish island it's also not ideal with the weather coming up this weekend, 80mph winds and ferry cancellations.
The DH also doesn't sound like a man who desperately wants the comfort of his wife to help him cope with a loss - he barely sounds like he likes her. This is clearly all for FILs benefit, but a tiny baby isn't a prop for someone's bereavement.

He made it clear that one day he was going to be at the funeral directors. It doesn’t sounds remotely like he’s said “make your own way here, I will not be helping”.
Most of OP’s own post is speculation on her own part, IF her DH can’t collect her on Wednesday, IF the funeral is in a month, IF the DH returns to work.

Agree.

I also really dislike the term "solo parenting". It's just parenting.

OP, your DH is grieving. Let him grieve.