Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I don't understand why this doesn't make sense to you. Looking after your baby at home is so much easier than travelling for a long time with the baby and then staying in an unfamiliar place. OP also very very recently made that very trip. She doesn't need to do this again so soon.

Even if he was to travel over and meet her, 1hr ferry, 1 hour cutting the last train.

Is it really worthwhile when they'd be dictated by the ferry times and the trains and ferry's are generally lined up to make the journey easy.

I assume you meant to write OH, as it currently reads as I wouldn't put pressure on you. ;)
My OH wouldn't either, but I think I would try my best to be there for at least some of the time.
We did do quite long journeys when DS was 4 months old, but we stopped overnight at a Premier Inn en route (not sure if that's why my teen DS now loves PI lol).
There are trains, planes, buses, ferries, lots of options even for many remote places.
It won't be easy but it's possibly doable.

Not much of a choice, is it? She stayed back so their baby could get her immunisations.

Pity he doesn’t have more compassion for his wife. The thought of his wife and baby stranded in the event ferries are stopped due to upcoming bad weather should make him think about his behaviour.

YANBU
Your baby cannot just wait overnight on the street if everything is cancelled. It was a long time ago for me but if this had of happened when I had a young child my husband would not have asked me to do this and neither would my lovely FIL, no matter what had happened.
Sleeper trains to Scotland are very expensive

OP, my instinctive response was that you need to just go. But hearing that your DH wanted to insist you drive and he is likely to work and that the funeral isn’t until half term to allow for a grandchild’s attendance, I think there may be an element of your DH putting FIL’s wants over the well-being of his wife and baby. Of course you need to go but it shouldn’t be a huge drama to go in another week or so. My exH was like this with his mother and it took years before I worked out that he was desperately seeking approval from her that would never come regardless of what he offered up. You are the only one who really knows if your DH wants you and baby there for support for him - if he does then you need to go now but please be assertive about making travel as easy as possible. You’re choosing your DH’s well-being over your own preference to stay home, as he is going through a terrible grief and needs you, but he gets no say over how you get there or the fact that, once there, your tiny baby’s needs will be paramount.

I missed that.

off topic but honestly... Wtf is it with all these women now who dont drive or do drive but find motorways and night driving "scary" so wont do that either.

I see it on loads of threads and find it bizarre. Get an automatic, do some lessons and get a licence.

Not always - look at the train connections to Thurso and then look at the ferry times from Scrabster to Orkney (and in the other direction too) - you either have a mad dash living in fear of either mode of transport being late or a four hour wait with nothing to do! It's better via Aberdeen but that's a longer ferry.

I can drive and have been able to for many years. I've driven in built up areas and in remote areas. I am still not overly keen on a 12hour drive tbh.

I agree. These adults are processing a normal part of life's cycle, in relatively staid though tragic circumstances. The first priority should still be the baby, and I would not expect to impose such disruption. I have stood on many rail and airport concourses watching distressed mothers and children coping with delays and cancellations - no information, uncleaned facilities, shouting adults, even fights breaking out. I have watched people carry children across a field next to a motorway to reach toilets and food when blocked for hours by an accident. Even without delays it can be really stressful. We have experienced several critical or fatal events with immediate family. Never have we failed to prioritise the comfort and well-being of the family's children and their mothers.

Hotels exist.
Sleeper trains aren't cheap but tbh neither are ferries, normal trains or flights - welcome to island/rural life!

See to me that is the sort of level of support that is normal - we were in a similar situation except our kids were older, they and DH came for the funeral but I did the arrangements myself - even just from a purely selfish point of view, it's a lot easier to cope with everything if you don't have to worry about the kids. I just can't see a house full of bereaved adults and older kids benefiting any from having a small, crying, out of their routine baby added to the mix, to say nothing of how hard it will be for the OP (who will be absolutely knackered - has anyone recommending the Caledonian sleeper actually been on it? I've been on it plenty of times and find it a crap nights sleep at the best of times. I dont even know where you would put a 4 month old, would you be allowed to open a travel cot in that small space? And what if you need a wee in the night?)

Me neither! But I'd fly and rent a car... which op cant do as she cant drive and so is beholden to others for any/all transport and will be trapped doing the same remote crappy cliff walk every day....

I totally get it and YANBU. My baby is always poorly after his every jab. The 4 month regression is awful and I could barely function, I didn't even leave the house on some days because I was getting so little sleep for so long. 4 month old babies are very demanding! Your DH is being unreasonable. It's awful losing a parent but the living matter and I can’t imagine how awful it will be to go do 100% of the parenting in a remote place that isn't even your home.

And no, I wouldn't go for long walks in the fields of a remote Scottish Island with a 4 month old. Weather will be shit, you have to put baby in a carrier rather than a pram, bundle him up in 100 layers for him to be hungry in 30 minutes. Fuck that. People who live remote have chosen that and are prepared for it.

A previous OP said your DH is crying out for your support. LOL. He's not, he wants to show you off to FIL. Do a horrible journey on your own, do all the parenting and night wakings (his grief will probably mean he won't want to wake up every 45 minutes with a baby) in a place that is not your home, basically suck it up.

Both me and my DH have lost a parent recently. We both managed to be a lot less dramatic than your DH.

Of course YANBU. Your DH needs to grow up and be an adult here. He’s not 6!

DH’s mum died unexpectedly when DS was 6 months old. DH flew up to Scotland on his own to sort stuff and make all the arrangements. His dad and also his only sibling had died some years before so DH was entirely alone on his side of the family so he had to do everything himself.

I flew up the day before the funeral and we stayed in a nearby hotel and came home a couple of days later and DH flew down when everything was sorted.

Honestly, I couldn’t be with a man who was incompetent and needed mothering.

Going against the grain of most of the replies . If your husband wants you to go as support for him, then I'd find a way to suck it up and try and go (though don't see the urgency if he is going to be there for a month).

If your husband wants you to go because your father in law wants his grandkids there, the grandkids that he is possessive and controlling over to the point of not doing things in their best interests even when he is not grieving...then I would be questioning if this is the best thing to do. It's going to be very very difficult to say 'stop shoving a dummy in the baby's mouth, he hates it, give him back to me' to a man that nobody wants to upset. And yes young babies are portable but not many 4 / 5 months old are happy to sit in a lap for 12 hours straight. And isolating as a newish mum somewhere for a month isn't going to do you much good, if its just so that your father in law can see the baby (how much emotional support is a 4 month old going to be really?)

If the funeral is going to be in a month I'd go up for a week or so around then instead

If you’d divorce your spouse for being nervous about a 12 hour trip with a tiny baby and also want them to make the journey needlessly long and arduous because you begrudged them the cost of the flight, then I think your spouse would be better off.

12 hours across 2 trains, including transfer time and a ferry.
Some people are acting like it’s the equivalent to climbing Everest with a newborn! It’s hardly the end of the world.

Hi again 🙄

he is bereaved and wants his partner and child with him for support. A normal want. Something most of us would do without question.

(thats it that’s all i’m saying as you’re beyond boring now)

As are you. Wait until bereavement hits & see how your husband finds your selfishness then

Honestly, I couldn’t be with a man who was incompetent and needed mothering.

Fuck me. Some people really have so much distain for supporting a spouse.

OP, this is your chance to be there for you husband and his family, to show that you are now part of their family too. You’ll be there for long enough to work out how to fit in, how to care for the baby, how to find your own place. It won’t be easy, because everyone is grieving and you have a 4 month old, but that’s what life is sometimes. Please try to give it your best shot, and don’t expect too much in return from those who are feeling the loss more deeply than you.

Where did i say OP should stay at home?

So, you think a 12 hour journey (that you have suddenly reduced to a couple fo hours) involving 2 trains and a ferry with a baby to the middle of nowhere, is an equal struggle to staying at home with all your own belongings?

OP is likely to still be looking after baby by herself when she gets to FIL as dh will be distracted, who knows how supportive her SIL will be, as she will also be grieving.

And yet he’s arguing over the cost of an internal flight.

Sounds like he doesn’t actually want OP there, he just wants another stick to beat her with.

We’re not done? Ok then.

He has lost his mother ffs but of course op should win in top trumps…..

bad weather days away. op selfish. Op making a drama out of nothing. He needs no compassion for his wife - she needs it for him as he is grieving.