Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

This! Your husband's mum has died. It's clear you don't want to go and don't have much love for your father in law, but honestly this is about your husband and making a difficult time easier for him.

she apparently doesn't drive.

@LittleBigHead he is still a partner and a parent. I didn't stop being a wife or a mother when my dad died. I wasn't always on top form but I didn't stop looking after my child.

He's not asking her for fun or a holiday he's asking for emotional support at a very difficult time that's what relationships and love are about. We can all see she would rather he was home helping with baby but that's not right....god knows why she went on about her struggling with a baby at this time it really isn't about her she just needs to book a flight or train and go...babies don't care where they are

And this is the real reason why you are saying no.....

@jannier some babies are quite particular where they are.Some don't travel well, some don't like being put down, some don't like being in a pram, some don't like being in a travel cot etc. Others are blissfully unaware of their surroundings. Luck of the draw which one you get.

Oh just lock the baby in a cupboard and Stand By Your Man. He has lost his Mother.

Alternatively if Father in Law wants to use a 4 month old baby who can't sleep well as an Emotional Support Prop then drug said baby up to the eyeballs with Opium so that it can be be manhandled to Father in Law's content.

(Forget all the other threads about only touching babies when their old enough to sign written consent forms, or for it to be the mother's instincts that count.)

And here in lies the problem. You don't like him and don't want to go. So you are trying to manufacture a more socially acceptable excuse for your DH, but he can see through it. If you love your husband, for the sake of your marriage, go. You husband will never get over you not being at his side, when he needed support, and his family (you) around him; because you don't like your FIL.

This isn't about FIL wanting people around him, its about your DH wanting people around him.

This is what I don’t get! You can’t get a train with a baby, you can’t travel that far with a baby, you can’t be that far away from home with a baby.
Anyone who has actually raised children knows a 4 month old is as portable as they get. Some people are making it seem like it’s genuinely in the babies’s best interest to stay but it’s not at all, the baby doesn’t give a shit where it is.
It’s because OP doesn’t like her FIL so doesn’t want to out herself out.

But telling her she isn't allowed to fly up as its mire expensive? No shit sherlock, babies are expensive.

When you last went to visit, and you mentioned about him being unhelpful and on his phone the whole trip, was his mum terminally ill?

I'm a bit confused with the comments! I am on your side @Charlottef94 , and I say this as someone who has lost a parent who was my absolute world. Surely a partner taking the slack and looking after the kids so he doesn't have to is as supportive as it gets? I don't really understand why she needs to be there, driving back and forth exhausting herself.

Clearly everyone is wired differently.

Plus OP’s baby slept incredibly well until like a week ago. She’s not really that sleep deprived. A baby having a bad week or two of sleep is hardly a reason for life to stop or a physical obstacle stopping you from sitting on a train.

Given all that, I wouldn’t go stay at the house. Your SIL who’s arriving at the house is your FIL’s daughter, I take it? Sounds like once she’s settled in and they’ve had some time to talk, that would be a good opportunity for your husband to come back home.

For the sake of family harmony and your MIL’s memory, it might be nice if you wrote your FIL a letter with condolences. It doesn’t have to be long. That way, if people accuse you of “not being there for him,” you can come back with, “It wasn’t feasible for me to travel alone with [Baby] under the circumstances, but I wrote to say how sorry I was and how we’ll all miss [MIL].” An actual, physical letter can feel more significant than talking on the phone or sending an email.

Presumably pre the 4m sleep regression, the baby slept like a 3mo. As in, still frequent night waking, just mot the frequency they currently are.

Are you imagining that her 3mo baby was sleeping the night through?

OP being a new mum is overwhelming but look at your posts and take a big step back.

1. your SIL and other family will be there YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE even if DH is WFH (spoiler he won’t be)

2. your baby can easily be anywhere, a couple of weeks will not decimate any routine you’ve established (spoiler - you really haven’t yet)

3. travel - fly and get it over with, it’s not difficult, really it isn’t - get a travel cot sent to the IL and a delivery of essentials.

4. there will be plenty of arranging to do, and you won’t be on your own!

From someone who has lost a parent whilst my DD was on PGA, my grieving and my world couldn’t restart until I had her with me. I totally understand why your DH wants you both there. You are his family and he is going through one of the most awful things that can happen. He’s using his Dad as an excuse but his attitude absolutely speaks volumes to me that he wants and needs you and can’t articulate it.

with the best will in the world get over yourself. And do it for him.

She says 'it could be half term because of the 10yo' which really reads like she's assuming the child won't get time off school.

I'd assume schools would authorise absence because of a DGPs funeral and the travel.

By choice. She delayed going with them. Thank god i married someone with an ounce of compassion. Also you could divorce once he never forgave you but ok of course only the mother of a baby can have a say and father must do as he is told. 🙄

Don't go. Let him stay there without you and baby. He's surrounded by family there so he's not alone. You went up there last week with your very young baby so it sounds too exhausting and stressful to go up again. 12 hours is a very long time to travel. Just say no!

I was skim reading and missed the part where she said she didn't drive. I took it as her dh wanted her to catch 2 trains instead of driving or flying.

Anyway, he still wants her to do a 12 hour journey but doesn't want to travel a total 4 hours to help his wife and baby on the other end. He would rather his wife struggle on the train herself than take a shorter plane journey.

The father of the baby begrudges his wife flying due to the cost and prefers her to make a long, horrible journey instead.

I mean it makes no sense that the OP is happy to stay home the whole time caring for the baby alone for weeks but a couple of hours on a train would be a struggle?

You’re on another level 😂😂

The father of the baby also begrudges the mother stipulating that the initially baby stayed behind to have their vaccinations, which had already been delayed. If there is going to be a big community funeral, would have thought it was imperative that baby was up to date with vaccinations.

Couple of hours on a train @Completelyjo where does that come from?

It's 12 hours on the train and a ferry.