Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Has your DH asked you to come?

When FIL died, DP was straight in the car and away to MIL, this was in the middle of the night. He stayed two weeks, came back to prepare for the funeral (which was a month after FIL death, there are so many funerals where we live that was the waiting time to get a slot at the Crematorium MIL wanted).

I stayed at home with DS who was 2. DP said there was no point in me going to join him because the house was full of friends and family dropping round with their condolences, staying to chat and drinking tea for hours. Also there was a lot of arranging to do for the funeral, everyone was crying and MIL was a mess obviously. DP didn't see the point of me being there and especially DS.

DP hardly called me while he was away and I left him to it. He didn't need me or my help. I just decided to accept that and that he would return when he was ready, which he did. After the funeral everything went back to relative normal. A month had passed since FIL death by then.

Ask your DP what he wants. He might prefer for you to stay away and hold the fort at home. It sounds like he has lots of people with him for support so if I were you I would wait for a date for the funeral and travel up then. Don’t get upset if you and the baby are not his priority right now. He has other things on his mind but this is just temporary.

I’m really sorry but he’s lost his mum and it seems like you want to compete with that. I sympathise with you but you can survive. You need to cut your husband a lot of slack here, it’s only been a week.

@Needspaceforlego the waiting until half term for the funeral isn't down to the OP

This entire situation is bizarre to me. OP’s FIL is grieving, but this bit with “he wants all the grandchildren there” - well, that’s not how life works. It’s reasonable to want family with you after your wife’s death, and it’s reasonable to want the grandchildren at the funeral, but it’s not reasonable to expect the entire family to rush to your side when their own circumstances don’t make that easy. I can’t imagine asking the mother of a four-month-old to travel twelve hours alone with the baby so she can sit around the house.

If OP’s husband needs her support, it’s time for him to come back home once other relatives are able to be with his father.

I'm sorry your birth was so traumatic but most don't leave you like this and op hasn't said this was the issue. I'm not sure your love for your parents or your partner fades when you have children and at times like this you go out of your way to help as much as you can...resenting being home doing it all and not wishing to be with your grieving partner is unusual....or perhaps some modern trend of putting self first even in inappropriate times.

Find a safe sensible way to travel and get yourself up there, OP. Your DH may not be thinking straight but in my experience people never forget the response of partners and friends when a parent dies. So do your absolute best for your DH to avoid it causing a rift.

Why can't young babies go to funerals if that is what the bereaved want....and fil does?

Total agreement with this, this journey with a 4 month old however you look at it seems horrendous.

As someone who lives 10 hours away from family and has been travelling back and forth by plane, train and automobiles for many years and since my first was 6 weeks old I'm sorry but you really need to sort yourself out.

Your husbands mother has died, tell him you're flying he doesnt need anymore decisions to make at this time. Make the time to be there to support, you'll likely get some support yourself with your dc that you certainly not getting at home. Be glad you on mat leave and not trying to balance all this with your work too.

This is the slight issue I have. FIL has always treated me like an incubator and I know that what he really wants is for the baby to be there with him - not me, I'm just the transporter for the baby. Prior to this I've had problems with him trying to take over, being controlling with my baby, holding him screaming forcing a dummy into his mouth, acting like I don't know how to settle him, etc. etc. He has an obsession with his grandchildren and all he wants is baby to be there with him.

Harsh. @LaurieFairyCake is absolutely right.

I recently did an island to mainland ferry crossing in rough weather. They were handing out sick bags and I must have thrown up six times. It was pretty difficult even with a partner - less sickness prone - to support me. When we got to the terminal I think I just sat on some bit of available floor till the world calmed down a bit.

I would not have liked to have done that crossing with a small child, because I'd have been in no state to deal with their needs and they probably wouldn't have liked the motion either.

I think it is possible to support a bereaved partner in a variety of ways, over time.. Obeying their orders - which may have been given at a time of some mental confusion - is not the only or even necessarily the best - way of doing this.

Remote places also have fuck all traffic 🙄

@Charlottef94 what does DH do when FIL behaves like that?

Because it’s up to the mother of the baby, not the bereaved or the FIL.

This is a rather large drip feed @Charlottef94.

This

So the father of the baby (also the bereaved) doesn’t get a say?

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment,

He's just lost his mother, FFS.

Not when the mother has a 12 hour trip with a four month old, alone. Absolutely not. My DH would never expect that of me, and no we wouldn’t divorce (as others have suggested) if I refused 😂

but he does need to be told the facts

So do you. OP has said multiple times she would be getting the train. There is no driving, the journey isn’t any longer than it already is.

I think YA(both)BU.
It's all a bit dramatic with the vaccines, but honestly your husband is being super controlling about how you get there. It does sound like a nightmare and I think you should feel able to do it the way you are most comfortable. I also do understand why, if you don't feel you know your FIL very well and it's all tight quarters there (if not physically tight remote enough it can feel hard to give others space) you did think that staying behind was reasonable.

I know he's upset but he can't put his foot down about getting there a particular time, then decide costs are vital to consider, and as a consequence you are super inconvenience/everything is made harder.

I'd throw costs to the wind and fly. If not, I'd break up the journey - like do one long train ride, stay in a hotel, then continue the next day.

If you aren't missing a funeral or memorial I can't understand why this wouldn't be perfectly acceptable.

@Charlottef94 if you are flying (which i would do) PLEASE do yourself a favour and rent a car at the airport.

If there was ever a time to throw money at a problem this kind of thing would be it for me....

Your own car will give you a huge amount of freedom and independence. Instead of doing the same shitty dangerous walk you can drive somewhere half nice and generally get out with the baby / escape from the house.

I'd do this irrespective of my dhs "opinions"

As others have said his mum is dead so I'd give him a long line - its truly devestating for most people but if he is being aggressive and hostile to you i would say something along the lines of "I'm on your team I'm here to help, but I'm not your punching bag. Its not okay to talk to me this way."

Completely agree with you