Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Yes there was a lot of I in the post. I assume the OP has not lost a parent.

I know when my mum dies, I'll be all over the place and won't be reasonable or rational a week later. I feel for you but I think you need to he a little forgiving at this time.

You are not being unreasonable . My Mum died abroad and for the sake of my very young children , I travelled alone and supported my Dad and arranged the funeral . I was my Dads support and my DH was my support albeit from afar. No one was upset at such a practical arrangement under the circumstances. I was exhausted by the time I landed back in the UK and I do wish my DH could have met me but it would have meant bringing two little kids to a non central airport with poor public transport links for the middle of the night . I sucked it up , slept in my car until I could drive . I then had my time to break down and grieve for my Mum when I got home . If my DH had run around after me like your DH expects you to run around everyone’s stress would have been through the roof.

Why can't you fly? Why is it up to him if you fly or not?

The most ridiculous thing about this situation is that everyone has to wait around for over a month so the ten year old isn't gonna miss any school, just take him out and be with family ffs. When my son died in an accident at the end of May 2022 which happened to be the week of the jubilee and my son died in London as he was away for the weekend with his dad at a wedding (we live in the north west) it took bloody weeks just to be able to get him transported back up here (which also cost a grand but that's a different story lol) and it's really shit to be waiting around when all you want to do is say goodbye and start to grieve properly

Seems interesting that most people are saying she must do what her DH wants it's nothing to do with what OP wants or thinks is best for their baby,, but not when it comes to flying.

So would I. People were more compassionate when my cat died than that comment. If some had said 'sad about your Mum but...' I would never have spoken to them again.

To be fair, OP gave birth 16 weeks ago and her baby doesn’t sleep well at night so she is sleep deprived. DH and FIL want her to get ferries and trains 12 hour journey with her small baby despite weather warnings at the end of the week.

Her baby is her priority, baby is a month delayed from jabs and understandable that she has kept baby at home for a couple of days after as they can be quite irritable with fever after jabs.

Now as a mother who suffered with post natal anxiety I can genuinely say I would be nervous about the journey on my own, OP said she would fly up but DH has demanded her to get the train and ferry transport instead.

Grief journey is different for everyone but making comments, demands and not talking to OP whilst she is still newly Pp is a bit harsh.

Just to clear up this cliff edge thing - I mean the only road is a very narrow country road with a lot of bends and no pavement. I don't feel particularly comfortable going around blind bends on the road with my baby strapped to me but if I have to it is what it is. I just won't feel very safe walking, that might just be me being a city dweller but I can't help that's how I'd feel if I was there for a long time. I don't drive so can't go anywhere if DH is working.

On the trip up, I want to fly but he seems to think it will all work out more expensive and he'd need to take a 4 hour round journey to pick me up from airport, using ferry there and back. He'd rather I take the train but I struggled last time, baby was crying the whole time and that was when we was with me (scrolling on his phone might I add).

I am thinking of flying and taxi to the harbour myself now tomorrow. I just don't want to attempt it Thursday and end up trying to wander around finding a hotel (as ferries will be cancelled for rest of day) in the middle of nowhere, no car, huge suitcase and baby in tow, in 70mph wind. If that's making it all about me then I'll hold my hands up to it.

I agree with the suggestion to fly up now for a few days, and then fly back for the funeral. I wouldn't stay there for a month. However, your DH probably wants some support from you and it would be good to be able to provide this. I think a balance could be struck between supporting your husband and looking after your baby.

I don't understand the comments about the weather warnings. If OP travels on Thursday, the bad weather is due to roll in once she has already travelled. She just stays indoors like everyone else when the storm arrives, surely.

This is outrageous. The OP's DH has lost his mother - this happens once in a lifetime. She can make the effort to go to Scotland. Go by train and arrange a pick-up if worried about being stranded with a baby. Ffs - some people.
If someone close to me had said 'So sad about your mum etc' when she died in the tone you have written I'd probably have thumped them.
Death happens once only. When my DH died last year people drove from Yorkshire, Devon and Wales to be at his funeral (round trips of between 300 and 400 miles), which was at 9.30 in the morning. One puts oneself out for the bereaved.

If DH grew up in this place or has visited frequently, the journey won't seem as daunting to him as it does to you. He doesn't have capacity to think things through properly. So make the arrangements that you think work best for you with minimal.requirement from him.
Of course planes are more susceptible to weather than trains. But your call on that front

I think you either need to go tomorrow or stay put until after the weekend. The storm that's on its way on Fri/Sat is not one you want to be travelling in. The ferries are cancelled regularly even in relatively normal weather. I understand the fear of getting stranded somewhere, it's not unfounded.

When you said ''12 hours'' I immediately thought of one of the outlying Islands.

That's a heck of a wearying journey to do with a young child on your own- I'm imagining a windswept Isle with very few trees, but of course you can go for walks with the baby.

However....I probably would do it to support your husband.

It will soon be over, the rough ferry would be my worst bit- bleurgh.

If you don't go- your husband and his father won't forget.

I would tell him you want to fly because that is easiest for you and baby and ask him to pick you up from the airport.

At least there is one rational person on this thread. What on earth is FIL on, insisting that all the grandchildren congregate for a month? How is OP supposed to transport everything a baby needs for an extended stay on her own? It's mad.

@Charlottef94 is this what he is usually like? How much parenting does he normally do, looking at your comment about being on his phone when you were struggling with the baby before?

While I think she should go I also think you are being pretty nasty.

When my first was 4 months she still didn’t really sleep and she was breastfed so there was a real limit to how much I slept. I was utterly exhausted and it had a massive impact on how well I dealt with things that I normally manage fine. If OH’s mum had died and he had suggested going and living with his Dad for weeks on end I’d have just wanted to cry at the thought of having to be away from my own house/bed and having to fit in with another household when I felt so utterly drained. I really feel for her as of course DH needs help but she really may not have a lot of energy and resilience available to her right now and it’s bloody hard to be considerate of others and put them first when you are shattered.

@Charlottef94 Oh yes, the Weather bomb...I heard it mentioned on the Radio yesterday. If the ferries are cancelled, will you miss the funeral?

Yes he has lost his mum and grieving. He may not be thinking straight.

What he needs to consider is:

a) how much support you can actually provide when you will likely be the sole parent for your baby. He is grieving and supporting his dad. You shouldn't be going there and having to also do all the housework, meals, etc.

b) if it's a 12 hour journey without a baby, it's likely to be a 20 hour journey for feeds, nappy changes, and car seat breaks. Frankly, doing all that whilst sleep deprived is dangerous. Get a plane, although it may be more expensive, it is the safer option

C) he expects you to drive a 12 hour journey with a baby but isn't prepared to do a 4 hour journey.

D) what if the ferries are cancelled? Do you have a backup plan of where you'll stay?

He may be grieving but he does need to be told the facts

Op logically get the sleeper, you and baby will be rocked to sleep. No point in trying to fly if it's £££ and still means you need to get a ferry and return journey for him.

But you should try and get to your DH and FIL. I really wanted DH beside me when my Dad died.

The not being able to go out sounds like excuses as does the having to wait to half term. Schools will accept a 10yo being off for a close family bereavement. Not to mention funerals in Scotland tend to be a bit quicker than England. Currently round Glasgow they are about 3 weeks.

@Charlottef94 I'd fly.

It will be much quicker.

I don't think you're unreasonable. The needs of a baby are important. Sleep deprived mother, possibly snowy impassable conditions and longer in a car seat than is healthy or recommended, are genuinely relevant and serious concerns.