To continue calling DD by the name I gave her

[bannsise]

My DD is 22, her first name is Isabella, I chose the name as I love it and think it’s very pretty. Since she was little I’d always call her Isabella or Bella, her dad who I wasn’t with called her “Isa” (ee-sa).
As a teen she insisted I didn’t call her Bella, I happily just used Isabella.
Now she is insisting I call her Isa, she says she doesn’t like Isabella, no one apart from me has called her it in 10+ years. She also complains I say it wrong anyway (her dad is European and pronounces it ee-sa-bell-a, I say is-a-bell-a). I replied that I can’t say her name wrong as I picked it!!

AIBU to say I will continue to call her Isabella (with the English pronunciation) and not by Isa as that isn’t the name I chose for her and I don’t like it.

If I was your daughter I would legally change my name. She would be perfectly entitled to do so. It’s HER name, not yours. Just because you gave a gift doesn’t entitle the receiver to like it, use it, or keep it. She is not your pet. You literally do not have a say how she is known as an adult.

You should absolutely respect her and call her how she wishes. Be grateful she isn’t dropping her name altogether for something she favours. I’d imagine your hard time over Ees/Is would feel a lot more silly if she told you to start calling her Jacqueline or Bernadette.

If she has always lived in Italy and you lived there until she was 16, then didn't you constantly hear people calling her "Isabella" and "Bella" using the Italian rather than the English pronunciation when she was a child? I don't think you're wrong to pronounce Isabella the way you do, but if her father pronounces it differently AND most of her friends, neighbors, teachers, etc. did the same then it's understandable that she'd come to pronounce it, and its short form Isa, the local way rather than your way.

I'd approach it as if she had completely changed her name. If you really dislike the new name, is there some other nickname you could use that she wouldn't mind? Or can you just treat Isa (pronounced EE-sa) like it's a stand-alone name, and not a shortening of a wrong-to-you pronunciation of Isabella - like people get Kate from Katherine or Meg from Margaret even though it's not a straightforward abbreviation?

I'd also try to separate out the practical (what do you address her as) from the emotional. Do you really inherently dislike Isa, or is it that (1) she's rejected the name you picked and love and/or (2) you still have negative feelings about her father and don't like the fact that she's picked "his" name for her?

It's not a fake accent. Do you, for instance, pronounce "Charlotte" with a hard "Ch" (as in the English Charles} or with a "Sh" at the beginning, which is the French pronunciation of "Ch"? How about Francesca - do you use the English pronunciation of Fran-sis- ka or the Italian one of Fran-chess-ka? Would you say the French Marg-oh or the English Mar-gott for Margot?

If, say you had an Italian friend called Isabella, would you feel it was fake to use the Italian pronunciation?

My 10-year-old daughter also prefers a nickname to the name she was given at birth. Even though I adore her birth name, I call her by the name she feels fits her best.

Don’t be a twat to your daughter.

I think your daughter should cop on to herself but you can't say anything to people these days. I would probably call her Eesa or whatever she wanted to keep the peace but really I think she should cop on to herself a bit. What you want to be and what you are, are not always the same thing and a bit of a reality check isn't a bad thing from one person in your life!
Anyway I'm with you on this but if my child was so immature that she couldn't handle her own perfectly fine name, and I thought my relationship with her was at risk, then I'd call her what she wanted and silently hope for maturity down the line.

OP you are being very unreasonable. My children were born in my home country, and I used that pronunciation of their names in that country. When we moved back to the UK I eventually ended up swapping to the more UK way of pronouncing their names (names which work both in the UK and continental Europe), I guess, just by habit and years passing by. Sure it at times makes me a little sad thinking about it but it's really not a big deal.

You're really risking alienating your daughter from you by going against her wishes.

It's her name. Not yours. Just because you gave it to her as a baby doesn't give you any rights to her name over her as an adult.

@ChicLilacSeal I can read perfectly well. And I repeat that the daughter is not the one being a twat here.

The cheap seats appear to be fully occupied by people proving why someone might not want to identify with Britishness.

But she's been called this name her entire life, in the usual pronunciation of the country she grew up in and still lives in! It's OP who's being difficult.

@bannsise

forgot to add.

you are making it all about you (narcissism) when actually it is about your daughter PREFERENCES.

so I say, it s NOT about you.

@Mary28 if anyone needs to cop on here it’s the people refusing to see that someone born in a country they have lived in their whole life asking to be called the name everyone else in that country calls them is perfectly reasonable.

The irony of calling OPs daughter immature for that when you have grown adults flinging insults because a little englander thinks a pronunciation difference is an affront to her motherhood and nationality.

Depends if you want her to answer you…..

if that’s the hill you are willing to die on then you need to accept that she may not want to be around you for you to call her anything at all.

Sorry OP but you're coming across as rather foolish here. You are mixing up two objections and this is making it clear that it's really not about the name at all, but some kind of power play.

Your two objections are a) it isn't the name you called her, and b) you feel silly pronouncing it in that way that you feel requires you to put on an accent.

My thoughts would be:

a) She's an adult, she gets to decide this, it isn't about you, so I would have a think about this and ask yourself if you would refuse to pronounce other adults' names the way they asked, e.g. a work colleague etc.

b) Eesa doesn't require you to put on an accent at all - if you think this is really the problem, then I would have to assume you also call plenty of other people a British pronunciation of a name that is used in other countries or said in other ways, even when they have told you how they pronounce it. Again, would you expect work colleagues to put up with you doing this? It's incredibly rude.

It's clearly not about the name, so I'd advise you not to make this the hill you decide to die on.

For you it's deeper than just a name

Well, your choices are either to use your daughters pronunciation of her own name, or lose what remaining relationship you have with her. I know which one I'd go for.

YANBU. I think your daughter is being an immature welp.

When you call your child a name anything that can be shortened, you have to accept that it's likely to happen - especially if it can be pronounced differently too. I have a very traditional, regal English name and my mum HATES any shortened version - says it's common. But it's what I go by, even my work badge and email is in my shortened name.

Whilst I was called my full name by her growing up, she now respects that no one would know who she was talking about if she said that name in front of anyone, and therefore refers to me the same as everyone else. It's called being respectful.

You can say Eesa in whatever natural accent you have, though? You’re being deliberately obtuse. You keep saying about the name you gave her. It appears part of why you’re choosing this hill to die on is because she favours this version based on her father, is that correct? Also you mention her distain for Britishness (perfectly reasonable, given the atrocities) and preference to distance herself from it. You seem to take this personally. In fact, your refusal to pronounce her name the way she likes and is used to after a lifetime in her own country will only exacerbate her feelings.

Your daughter is of another culture and you are refusing to pronounce her name the way that sounds and feels correct to her. No matter how much she says it’s upsetting to her, you prioritise your own preference. This will speak volumes to her.

I'm in my 50s and lots of my friends who previously went by a shortened version of their name now prefer their full name and vice versa. I try very hard to get it right even though their previous preference is ingrained.

I cringe when I'm full named by someone who is close to me, but don't like people who don't know me using my nickname ..it's an intimacy thing.

Isabella is a beautiful name, but it is a very girlie name, if she doesn't feel like an Isabella and associates ee-sa with her culture and who she is, then as much as it hurts and feels like a rejection it's dismissive to call her by her full name.

Call her what she wants to be called and when the need arises, adopt the same stance that centuries of mothers have done and call her by her full name she was given at birth!! My DS Sam is Samuel when he knows I need him to listen to me!!

You gave her the name at birth. What she does with it is up to her.
You wouldn't give someone a present and then 22 years later still expect to be telling them what to do with it.

Jez - some parents are grappling with gender fluid issues and children wanting entirely different names and pro nouns and you’re digging your heals in about a variation of the name you chose! The history is relevant but it only reinforces that it looks like you’re trying to make this about you and have ownership. Your daughter obviously identifies more with her Italian heritage and likes her name pronounced accordingly. By refusing to do that it’s a bit like not recognising who she is or suggesting you don’t like or respect that. You choose to have a child with her father and reside in that country so you really shouldn’t get uppity about this outcome. Moreover you are doing serious damage to your relationship with her.

I understand, and would feel the same. I think this is wrapped up in your feelings about her father, and your being trapped in Italy unable to bring her to the UK. I am sorry you experienced that.
Unfortunately, your needs and wishes come second, and I think you need to suck it up. You gave her a name that works in Italian and English, and she's opted for the pronunciation of the heritage she was most raised in.
Please let it go, or you risk damaging your relationship with your daughter.

She wants to belong in the country where she lives. that's understandable. But, you're ignoring replies. Not sure why you bothered posting TBH

When speaking to others, whose names are not native to the UK, do you feel the need to butcher their name with a British pronunciation, or do you make an effort to learn the correct pronunciation.

Regardless of your intention when naming her, she grew up hearing and associating with something more appropriately native to where she lives. It isn’t a massive stretch to call her Eesa.

I hate my name and loathe the diminution even more which my mother insisted on calling me even though I told her that I didn't like being called by that. She refused to listen and continued in her own sweet way. It made me dislike her a bit more each time. Respect what your daughter wants to be called.