The brainlessness of an English Tutor. Fuming

[crazymomma93]

Long time lurker, please bear with me.
My DD12 has been having some issues with her reading book. It has been making her feel uncomfortable, from the Genre and style of writing. So I have looked into it, got a jist of the book, she has pointed out some bits that made her uneasy and I looked up the age rating which was 14+. Now typically if you knew me, you would know I am not "that Mom" but I emailed her Form Tutor to ask if there was an alternative. Tutor emailed back after talking to English dept and DD dosn't need to read the book any longer, she can bring in her own. No problem. My DD has just told me she spoke with her own English Tutor, the day before I sent the email to tell her Form Tutor. After listening to DD, English Tutor responds "it's just words"
ITS JUST WORDS? Sorry is that not pretty much the Tutors whole career, teaching English?
I need calming because I am close to emailing said teacher calling her a c**t, because, you know "it's just words". See how her feelings are when she reads something that makes her uncomfortable.
My DD turned to her to ask because the book was making her uneasy and that is the response. What about children who get verbally bullied? Where is this Womans morals. AIBU?

"What happened to sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me."

One of the stupidest sayings there is, IMHO.

Here you go @MariCooyong . Some maps and a discussion that might be informative.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1BJEUHX2fS/

😆

11 is the start of secondary school here, and the Hobbit is not inappropriate in any way at all. It's the books with things like uneasy sexual references for the still very young ones I think should wait till older

I with the mum in this.

That book has nothing to do with history, or even accurate about what happened. It is a terrible book and whilst I do not think books should be banned I don't think it should be red n school or recommended by a library.

As opposed to "after midnight you can watch this horror film but before midnight you are too young?" Which is what happens when you turn 18
It's somewhat arbitrary

I read Dracula at 11, Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë and Charles Dickens at 12. My parents encouraged me to read material that made me think. You are 'that mum's and doing your child no favours.

They're fine books to read at that age though!

I agree with you, the poster.
The teacher sounds like a bully and very insensitive to not even sit with you/your daughter, or make a phone call, to ask what it is about the book that makes her uncomfortable? We are not robots.
My DS was uncomfortable age 17 having to study a book where, amongst other things, the wolf in 'Little Red Riding Hood' had sex with the grandmother, one sordid story (out of several) that was a re-write of stories originally for children.
There are always alternative books within a syllabus and it isn't unusual for a child or teacher to choose an alternative. I think it is the teacher who is making a fuss. As adults, there are films that only some would watch/books that we would read, so why do children have to look at anything that is put before them?
As parents/ teachers, we do have a duty of care towards children. Emotionally children are not mini adults to do with as we please.
I am a parent and teacher (and a former child).

Perhaps ‘the message’ didn’t ’get through’ because I don’t have nearly as much time to scroll Mumsnet as you do and have never seen anyone use ‘Mom’ on here except North Americans.

And yeah, creeping Americanisation bothers me, not ashamed to admit it, so don’t try.

You, my dear, are the reason so many teachers leave the profession...

Don't try what?

Your last sentence makes no sense.

Please elaborate on that comment, it’s really quite funny (my dear)!

My daughter has severe dyslexia and for some reason "mom" makes more sense to her so she writes it that way.

I am sure I have also seen discussion on Mumsnet previously that "mom" is used in some regions of the UK as part of the dialect,.like "mam" is in others.

Plus I don't see anything inherently bad about creeping Americanisms. Language evolves.

(But then I am in my late 40s and still call my mother "Mummy" )

Mom has been the used term in the West Midlands forever

The midlands! That's it. I knew I'd seen plenty of Mumsnet posts explaining this in the past but couldn't remember the region

Wonder if you DD has a smart phone? She will be seeing and hearing way worse. Sorry but you are going way over the top

What is shameful is that you think that my point about teenagers not being believed can lead to suicide was trying to "score a point" - it isn't something you should have said. Did you answer my questions about why your DD lied to you about the teacher had said, what the problem was with the narratives, why she felt she had to mislead you about a book? If not, could you answer? As at the moment it doesn't make sense.

I didn't say teenagers do not ever lie to parents. But here we were talking about teenagers lying to parents about situations at school which they are not able to manage or control themselves. Where children need the support.

Think for a moment about high profile cases at the moment of tweens and teens not being able to seek support from those around them. If tweens and teens have normal strong connections with parents, it stops them from being manipulated by others.

What I said was correct. Do not assume a child is lying just because they are a teen or tween. Do not assume that most teens or tweens are lying to parents about what is going on at school as a "norm".

If you could answer my questions that would be great.

Perception is the child's truth - seeing the world through the maturity and context of their maturity (at whatever age) and experience. Not making things up or giving alternative facts. So I don't think we said the same thing.

In some things a teen or tween will be able to give an accurate report. In other things they may give snippets which eventually build up a picture. Some will lie but if they do there will be a reason for it.

In terms of perception - child may say a teacher shouted, a teacher may say that they were firm but not shouting. Not the same thing as giving alternative facts - whatever way you look at it, the child felt intimidated for some reason so further exploration would be useful. Some teachers will simply say the child is lying dismiss concerns. You see the difference.

I don't agree that pretty much all teens or tweens are unreliable witnesses, so we differ there too. You don't assume a child is lying which is good but assuming children are unreliable witnesses is also dangerous.

Good to hear you don't assume children are lying though.

Did I just read

"How dare you undermine your colleagues on a forum, how rude and disrespectful is that? You’d be slaughtered in the staffroom if that got out!"

What??!! A teacher gave an opinion, and it is met with a basic threat? Is that really how teachers talk to one another? (I am not a teacher, so I wouldn't know)

This thread is not what I initially thought it was, so I am out.

I’d happily answer your questions if I were the OP, but I’m not.

Should they not be promoting age appropriate literature though?

It isn’t inappropriate though.

I apologise for mixing you up with the OP, I realised what I had done after hiding the thread.

So to go back to what you said about teenagers lying - I have just had a look at Nancy Darling's research and have found a couple of other sources which I think are more helpful way of presenting the same research, compared to giving a bare percentage:

Dr. Shefali Tsabary: "There is only one reason a child lies to its parents: the conditions for it to feel safe have not been created."

Dr Laura Markham (clinical psychologist with expertise around child development): "[This is what the research says about lying.] Many, if not most, kids lie. However, kids whose parents don't punish and who feel they can talk with their parents about their challenges generally do not lie to their parents. They have no reason to. Is is possible to raise kids without punishment? Absolutely. They turn out a whole lot better, in every way, because they become self-disciplined, once they aren't being disciplined from outside." [she gives a lot of other helpful and constructive advice on her website and there are some youtube videos in case anyone is interested]

So as you see the above draw on the same research as Nancy Darling, but the advice given is presented differently, that is, they give a different emphasis when presenting their advice.

To some extent the same thing is going to apply to school - if teens and tweens who would normally lie are put into a school environment where they feel safe, the likelihood of lying will diminish.

The bare percentage which jumps out at you from Nancy Darling is going to encourage adults who are not entirely scrupulous to manipulate when they are wanting to get away with abuse towards teens or tweens, unfortunately, so that is a shame. Although if teachers had training in child development research as standard, they might be able to distinguish.