To think premature birth doesn’t compare to the annoying late stages of pregnancy

[Baloo592]

I had my baby very prematurely - it was traumatic, as these things are, involving immediate separation for the baby to go to NICU, over a month hospital stay and tube feeding, oxygen etc etc. I was also unwell. People who know how early my baby came quite often say a version of “the late stages of pregnancy are pretty horrible though and you got to skip that”. The implication being that I’m …what, lucky (?!) that my baby arrived a couple of months early. The more I hear this, the more it enrages me. I’m sure the late stages of pregnancy are a pain (I may never know at this rate) but, surely, there is just no comparison to the trauma of being immediately separated from your baby and that separation continuing for over a month and seeing your baby unwell. I’m not sure if people aren’t sure what to say, or they think they need to come up with a weird positive OR they just have absolutely no idea what having a very premature baby entails so they think it’s an apt comparison. Anyway I heard it again recently and it’s still annoying me so:

YABU - people are uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say when they say you’re fortunate for skipping the end stages of pregnancy

YANBU - the annoyances of late stage pregnancy are not an apt comparison to the trauma of giving birth very prematurely

I get that a lot too, my baby was born at 27 weeks and had 3 months in Neonatal. It doesn’t compare.

That would be a really unhelpful thing to say to someone who has given birth prematurely.

Personally I'm not a fan of people who's reaction to another's pain is to come up with a solution regardless of whether it's a piss poor one. Better to say nothing if you ask me.

I'm so sorry to hear of people's experiences with premature birth.
I cannot think what possessed anyone to be so insensitive as to suggest you've somehow got off lightly by not going through the later stages.
Sending love.

I think people are maybe just speaking without thinking tbh. I hope all is well now.

Well clearly they’re being ridiculous. I’d just have a stock reply ready, like ‘I’d have gone through 5 years of pregnancy than what me and my baby had to go through’.

I think both your YABU and YANBU statements are true.

People do this a lot. I had a parent die very suddenly and very young, and so people say things like "well at least he didn't suffer/know he was dying" etc. People feel like they have to come up with some positive.

I don't think you'll get anything out of calling them out though, to be honest. Just "hmm" vaguely and move on.

I hope your little one is doing ok now!

I would think there doesn't need to be a comparison.
Two things can be shit.

For people saying things to you OP you could respond with something along the lines of its just a different type of shit you had to endure.

They're just ignorant and trying to find silver linings, in that annoying way that ignorant people do.

It comes across as thoughtless and offensive though. I think both your YABU / NBU options can be true at the same time though, as long as you don't believe there is any malice in it.

That’s pretty shit of them. I didn’t find late pregnancy particularly challenging and I had my youngest at the grand age of 37. I was hiking until the day before I went into labour, sometimes 14 miles in a given day, even with PGP and a dodgy lower back.

I think you're right that's it's people trying to think of a positive/be cheerful. People are trying their best, it's hard to always know the right thing to say. If they're close to you I'd explain their error, if not bear in mind they're trying their best and move on.

You've almost certainly made a similar faux pas yourself at some point. We all have.

I think it’s right that both options can be true actually - maybe this was more a rant for the prematurity board! The example of people feeling they have to say something when someone dies has helped me see their perspective though and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of saying stuff like that in the past.

They are trying to find a silver lining, a small positive in a very negative experience. If it helps my child is disabled and will never live independently and requires constant care, as my other children grow and leave the nest the majority of people comfort my totally fabricated by them “empty nest” feelings by telling me at least I won’t be lonely. It’s ludicrous. Like most carers I am sometimes so lonely it takes my breath away and have been for decades.
People talk a lot and occasionally are staggeringly obtuse.

It’s not an either or though. There are silver linings with most scenarios. I had one that was immediately separated at birth (not traumatic) as they required immediate surgical interventions. They were in hospital several months with surgeries etc before coming home. I consider myself really lucky that I dodged the night feedings for several months and a larger load of nappy changing than I would have had otherwise. That’s not saying I’m glad what happened happened, or that it wasn’t shit but it’s not impossible to find positives in a situation! In your case it’s true, not enduring the end state of pregnancy was a positive, but that’s completely different to people saying what happened was good.

My twins were born at 30 weeks and were 3lb 1oz and 3.5lb respectively. They spent 13 weeks in the neonatal unit. A friend said to me that "at least it was an easy birth because they were so small"! I was in floods of tears after that, but looking back, was very hormonal. Now I would just think that, as others have said, she was just trying to see a silver lining
Best to give them the benefit of the doubt, ignore it and move on. Concentrate on your gorgeous baby rather than looking back. Best wishes x

People are quickly thinking back to their own experience and trying to find something to say other than 'that must be devastating'.

I wouldn't take it personally. Not quite as bad but I had similar when I had emergency c section after long labour, 'at least you avoided tearing'. Yes thanks I had my abdomen sliced open but sure.

I'm sure the cold fear and trauma is indescribable. It's a stupid thing to say but people do stupidly clutch at straws. I completely understand your feelings of rage. I was disabled by pregnancy and people used to imply that they saw their own lives in a different way after seeing how hard mine was, which also made me furious.

Yanbu even slightly.

As someone who had something of a choice in the matter here (my consultant wanted to deliver early due to me being quite unwell with a few things going on). The thought of my baby being in the nicu was so terrifying I asked if it was possible to try and get to term with close monitoring which they agreed to.

I absolutely LOATHED being pregnant. I have never felt so dreadful in all of my life. But it was the easiest decision in the world to stay pregnant (and sick!) to have my baby delivered at a better time for him and not have all the risks and fear of an early delivery. And this was only by 3/4 weeks

They are in no way comparable in the slightest

Dear God, what kind of idiot would make such a comment. I hated the late stage of pregnancy (actually all of pregnancy) but a healthy baby has surely got to be the priority!

To be fair, I made a joke about that a lot to lighten the mood when I had my daughter 3 months early but having had one baby at 29 weeks and one at full term, the end stages of pregnancy are a bit shit and uncomfortable but nothing at all like a baby in NICU.

Unless people had complications in late pregnancy that required hospital admission, there is no comparison between the two.

Late pregnancy may be uncomfortable and tedious but it is in no way comparable to giving birth to an extremely premature baby that goes into NICU which means being separated from your baby and worrying about whether they will survive.

This sort of reaction is why people complain they got ill or someone died and their friends disappeared.

They aren't trying to offend you, they just know they have to respond with SOMETHING and say something stupid. You know what you went through was worse than a long pregnancy, that should be enough for you.

I haven’t voted as to me your options didn’t seem alternatives. It’s a completely inappropriate and insensitive comparison, and I think the people making it perhaps are uncomfortable and struggling to know what to say. Only an idiot would actually think a premature birth was the better option.

Of course it's not comparable but I think people get verbal diarrhoea when faced with small talk, best to let it just wash over you because no one genuinely believes this to be true.

Gosh what an insensitive thing to say!
Last months of pregnancy were pretty bad for me but it wouldn't occur to me to make this comparison

OP I would think that this is a very insensitive and thoughtless thing to say to someone, and I say that as someone who went to nearly 41 weeks and experienced massive frustration and discomfort in those last few weeks. Yet even so I can't begin to imagine the trauma and emotional turmoil that people have to go through with premature births, no matter how overdue I was I think myself extremely lucky to not have had to go through an early delivery, and again as uncomfortable and difficult as those last few weeks were I could never compare it to how awful the alternative would have been. So I vote YANBU!!